MIL - am I a bad person?

littlemissmoney

Please just move the party to the weekend before and don't mention it to MIL! I can't believe you are even asking this.

squashy

I went to the funeral of my great uncle a couple of weeks after my youngest was born, taking the baby with me. My grandma was incredibly moved by this and it was heartwarming to see her cuddle my little girl outside the crematorium, the thought of a new life brought a feeling of hope to the occassion.

I think you should go to the service, taking your little boy, and have your birthday party later in the day.

LucyB-Bride_to_Be

I do think your being slightly selfish not just to m-i-l but to your oh as well. I understand its your childs first birthday and as a mum myself i realise that this is important to you but i just think that your oh really might not be in the right frame of mind to be having a birthday party on the day he's burying his grandma. I think you should move the party even if its to the day before or to the day after, at least then you can also be there to support your oh on what's going to be an awful day for him. Like other people have said it's your child's 1st birthday he won't remember if he's party is a day earlier or later will he? Hope this hasn't sounded harsh as i didn't mean to be. Just my opinion x

SUESMITH_2

he is one year old - move the party and show what a lovely person you are.

my dad died this year and ive just brought a big box of photos home with me from his house - including ones from my sons 1st birthday which of course he has no recollection of whatsoever. i know when my dad died if someone had said what youre saying i might have smiled and said fine but would have been deeply unhappy and hurt.

my dads funeral and wake was good - a celebration of him and his life and not a depressing day at all.

what does your oh say? think its very interesting/telling that you haven't told us his point of view

and i disagree that it will make your sons birthday miserable forever, it will but only if you bear a grudge and wont let this go

AlwaysWorking

Without knowing your mother in law it's difficult to comment on why she has chosen this date..but like many others I find your reaction a bit surprising. I would move the party to another day (your child won't be any wiser!) and go to the funeral with your husband. It's about showing respect for the dead and supporting your husband...my dad died a few years ago and I still remember feeling hurt that one friend in particular didn't show up...if you don't go and choose instead to have the party, this may appear very insensitive, especially to your mil who has just lost her mother.

SUESMITH_2

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Without knowing your mother in law it's difficult to comment on why she has chosen this date..but like many others I find your reaction a bit surprising. I would move the party to another day (your child won't be any wiser!) and go to the funeral with your husband. It's about showing respect for the dead and supporting your husband...my dad died a few years ago and I still remember feeling hurt that one friend in particular didn't show up...if you don't go and choose instead to have the party, this may appear very insensitive, especially to your mil who has just lost her mother.

indeed, i was touched by the people that turned out for my dad on that cold snowy day

Janepig

I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but I wonder if the OP is feeling a bit, errm, bitter towards her MIL having had her mum survive to what I guess is a ripe old age when she said she lost her own mum at a young age, and now is having an impact on her child's birthday. I lost my mum afew weeks before I had DD and I do get a bit narked with other people sometimes, I think they don't know how lucky they are sometimes that they got all that much more time with their mums. But as I say I might be completely wrong, that's just how I would probably feel, and have felt (and it may just be that I'm particularly twisted in my outlook :rolleyes:).

Anyway, I would imagine the service is going to be no longer than 30-40 minutes so I don't really see why the party can't go ahead afew hours after the funeral (depending on the time of the funeral obviously). I think the fact that the funeral will be remembered in years to come as having been on the child's birthday is a non-starter really.

Jxx

Janepig

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Without knowing your mother in law it's difficult to comment on why she has chosen this date..but like many others I find your reaction a bit surprising. I would move the party to another day (your child won't be any wiser!) and go to the funeral with your husband. It's about showing respect for the dead and supporting your husband...my dad died a few years ago and I still remember feeling hurt that one friend in particular didn't show up...if you don't go and choose instead to have the party, this may appear very insensitive, especially to your mil who has just lost her mother.

After my mum died I was quite hurt that NO-ONE from work turned up. Admittedly there was a staff conference quite a distance away on the same day, and I'd had lots of nice cards and letters, but not one person thought to turn up late at the conference and come to the funeral. Still cuts a bit when I think about it but I don't think about it! And I always make the effort to go to a funeral when I can, even if I don't know the deceased but know their partner/child, etc... It's as much about showing support to the remaining family as it is showing respect to the dead.

Jxx

SugarSpun

I'd have someone look after the little one for the funeral service and then pick him/her up and go to the wake. There were a few little ones at my grandma's wake, and it was such a relief to have them around. Plus she loved the babies and it was appropriate.

You can leave in time to make sure your child has a nap and then wakes for the birthday party.

My grandmother (not the above one) died in April. I remember the day and the date she died. I don't remember the day of the funeral, although I know it was almost two weeks later because there was a backlog of corpses, of all things. No one will remember unless you make a fuss. I would swap half my extended family for another hour with my grandmother and if someone had made a stink about the funeral clashing with a child's party there would have been merry hell raised.

loobylou2

I don't go to funerals only weddings and christenings because life is for living but it dosen"t mean that when I lose a loved one and don"t go to the funeral that I don"t have any respect for them. It just means that I"m for life not death, the lady who has passed away won"t care whether or not the OP is at her funeral or not but the MIL who didn"t even want to be at the party in the first instance even before her mother died will!!! I know she's just lost her mother but from reading the original post she sounds as if she could be the sort of MIL who is hard work anyway. OP even after reading all the replies I still think you should have your party, I agree with Supermom on this one. You are a mum first after all!!!