MIL - am I a bad person?

pokey128

Hi
This will make me sound awful I fear but I have to get it off my chest. My partners gran died this morning after a long illness and we were told last week to prepare ourselves and then yesterday that she wouldn't last the night.
Anyway, my partners mother has been organising things today as you do but has arranged the funeral for our sons first birthday and thinks we should change his party for another day.

I organised this weeks ago and have invited quite a few friends round and sorted food and things - I really don't want to cancel now and nor do I want his first birthday to be at a funeral.
Does this make me an awful person.

She didn't even want to come to his party cause she doesn't really like children. I know this is hard for her (I lost my Mum at 15) but I can't help being angry.

I just found out this week that I am pregnant again as well so this would have been his only birthday by himself.

maybe its the hormones making me so upset...?

Thanks for listening to my rant!!

x

skintchick

Is there a reason she has gone for that day, like it being the only spot available? Crematoriums can get very booked up.

But if there were lots of days available and she has chosen that day, then you are within your rights to say you think she should do it on another day.

Although, having said that, how much of hte day will he remember anyway as he is only one?

It does seem insensitive of her.

pukkamum

It's definitely insensitive your son's birthday will always have an underlying sadness as the day of nan's funeral if it stays as it is.

mrcow

You can still have a party for your son. It doesn't have to be at the exact time of the funeral does it? If your MIL wasn't going to go anyway then it doesn't really affect her? She can see your son another day and you can have a smaller party with her involved?

Have some tact about this though. Assuming it's your MIL mother who has just passed away? Losing your Mum or Dad has to be pretty much one of the most tramautic experiences that most of us will have to go through. Give her a break, she's probably all over the place.

loobylou2

I think you should go ahead with your party because you organised it weeks in advance and couldn"t possibly have known when your Partners grandmother was going to pass away. Also if the grandmother was elderly and knew that she was probably going to die its possible that she wouldn"t have wanted her death to impact on any other family activities as many people when they realise they are dying take on a life is for the living attitude. If she were still alive she"d probably want her great grandson to have his party and you could gently suggest this to your MIL.

mrcow

skintchick wrote: »

It does seem insensitive of her.

Give the woman a break! She may have just lost her mum!

pokey128

Thanks guys. She said she could have had Friday, Monday or Tuesday but went for the Monday - there doesn't seem to be any reason for it.

I know he won't remember it but I will and I hate the fact that we have to find a babysitter for him on his birthday so we can go to the funeral - feel like such a bad parent!

skintchick

mrcow wrote: »

Give the woman a break! She may have just lost her mum!

I know! But it's still her grandson's birthday. I did say she may not have had any choice in the date, but I do think she could have tried to go for a different day.

mrcow

pokey - if you don't want to get a baby sitter, then don't go.

Can your parents not look after him for a couple of hours? A funeral doesn't have to go on for hours on end. Is there any particular reason why you wouldn't take him with you?

peachyprice

The woman has just lost her mother, and you're fussing other a toddlers party. Have a heart.

If you can't work the timing so you can do both, enjoy your party while your OH's family bury his grandmother. If you can make it to both all well and good, but to kick of because the funeral is the same day is bang out of order, how awful must your OH feel.

KellyWelly

My daughter was born the day after my grandad's funeral (I was in labour at the funeral but I kept quiet because they would have sent me off to the hospital!) It's not exactly the same but whilst it is a sad reminder of his passing on her birthday what it has evolved into is a general sense of thankfullness, we all remind each other of the gift we were given even though we lost somebody quite precious to us all. My daughter says 'Jesus sent me to you to stop you being sad about grampy'.

The difference is though that I had no choice in the matter whether it was the same day/day after, this is a decision that has been made. I don't think you can change it, but I do think it wasn't very thoughtful - although as mrcow said, she's just lost her mother and in the grand scheme of things, your child's 1st birthday is pretty insignificant. Nobody really cares about it other than the mum and dad (sorry!)