MIL - am I a bad person?

pulliptears

zoeleigh wrote: »

MIL could have picked any of the 3 days, why on earth would she pick her grandchilds first birthday??

Just maybe, because her Mum had just died and her head would be all over the place? Maybe because at that point in time she wasn't thinking about a one year olds tea party but about the fact she had just lost the woman who gave birth to her?

Zoetoes

If it comes down to it being the same day as the birthday then you could just go to the service, that's the important part not the after bit.

ellies_angel

pulliptears wrote: »

Personally, I think you are selfish. Your child is one, he will neither known nor care that its his first birthday. Your OH has just lost his Gran and that little boy has just lost a Great Gran who he will now never know.

Move the party forward a day and get over it.

Your right, it neither hear nor there, he is 1. He doesn't know what a birthday is, won't know much about a party and more likely to be interested in the boxes than the presents inside, his next birthdat will be better and get better the older he gets but.................his birthday will always be associated with a sad anniversary. Your other half has lost his Gran yes do you think he would want his sons birthday to be a reminder of a sad day. No I don't think he would

Zoetoes

pulliptears wrote: »

Just maybe, because her Mum had just died and her head would be all over the place? Maybe because at that point in time she wasn't thinking about a one year olds tea party but about the fact she had just lost the woman who gave birth to her?

Yes I'm sure her head was all over the place and maybe she didn't click that it was the same date as her grandchilds first birthday at the time, but an hour afterwards she did and could change it so that there isn't an issue at all.

It's not just about a 'tea party', it's about his actual birthday, there are other alternatives such as pick one of the other days for the funeral that are available or OP & hubby just go to the service.

If it was just his party day then I'd say rearranging that would be best but it's his actual birthday.

Of course it's a sad time for MIL and OP's hubby, but there's no reason why the whole situation can't be resolved without upsetting anyone.

loobylou2

Personally, I think you are selfish. Your child is one, he will neither known nor care that its his first birthday. Your OH has just lost his Gran and that little boy has just lost a Great Gran who he will now never know.

Move the party forward a day and get over it.Your right, it neither hear nor there, he is 1. He doesn't know what a birthday is, won't know much about a party and more likely to be interested in the boxes than the presents inside, his next birthdat will be better and get better the older he gets but.................his birthday will always be associated with a sad anniversary. Your other half has lost his Gran yes do you think he would want his sons birthday to be a reminder of a sad day. No I don't think he would

If this is the case then would it not be better to move the date of the funeral. The little boy is alive and well and hopefully will have many more birthdays to come. All of which will always fall on the same date in the year. If the funeral is held on his birthday then it will always be a reminder for both his parents and the OP"s MIL that it is also the anniversary of the day that they buried grandma. I don"t think the OP is being selfish, she"d already made the arrangements for the party, issued invites etc before the lady concerned passed away and couldn"t possibly have known what was going to happen regarding funeral arrangements, she just wants to be a good mum to her a little boy and a supportive wife to her husband thats all. Best thing she could do IMO would be either to have the party and let her OH go to the funeral on his own because she is not directly related to the lady who has passed away, or just go to the service if it is held on the same day as her sons birthday and then come home to have the party with her son. As difficult as life is when a loved one passes away it still has to continue.

Zoetoes

Also, we don't know how hubby feels about all this, it's his Grandmother that's died.

OP - what does hubby think about it?

t_obermory

My FIL's funeral was on my DD's 2nd birthday, though there was no choice in it. It wasn't the ideal situation but it couldn't be helped, we had a party for DD the day after and as she was 2 she didn't care less.

I understand why you're annoyed given that she had a choice of dates, however there is nothing you can do about it now, so you can either react in one of two ways.

1: You accept that you can't change this now and let it be, it isn't malicious on the part of your MIL when you're dealing with funeral arrangements the world around you tends to stop. Personally if I were you I'd have a small family get together either before or after the funeral and move his proper party to the day before or after. Could any of your relatives sit with him while you are at the funeral if you don't want to take him? Be the 'bigger' person and be there to support your DH, whether he says so or not he will thank you for it; my DH wouldn't have got through his Dad's funeral without me nor would I have expected him to.

2: You can kick up a fuss, you won't be able to change the day of the funeral, you can ignore it if you wish and go ahead as planned; but by doing so you certainly won't be supporting your DH when he needs you; and you'll wind up creating unecessary stress for all involved.

As harsh as it is life gets in the way sometimes, your son doesn't know its his birthday he will have a good time irrespective of what day you have it on, you can still have a special day with him; and there will be Christmas to spend alone with him before the new baby comes.

I understand why you're annoyed but you need to be the 'bigger' person here.

nickyhutch

OP - I can't believe you're not just changing the party plans quietly and not making a fuss. Show some respect - your MIL has just LOST HER MOTHER and should not have to check with everyone around her what their plans are before arranging a funeral. Your son wont have a clue what day it is - it's only YOU who will know it's his birthday, so this is about how you are feeling, and not his birthday.

loobylou2

nickyhutch wrote: »

OP - I can't believe you're not just changing the party plans quietly and not making a fuss. Show some respect - your MIL has just LOST HER MOTHER and should not have to check with everyone around her what their plans are before arranging a funeral. Your son wont have a clue what day it is - it's only YOU who will know it's his birthday, so this is about how you are feeling, and not his birthday.

Its not just about respect for someone who has passed away though is it?? Its about the fact that every year whenever the OP's son has his birthday the entire family will also be reminded that his birthday falls on the date that grandmas funeral was held. Grandma has passed away and can neither know nor care about when her funeral is held but her great grandson has his entire life to live. Its about having respect not only for people who have passed away but also for those who are still alive and have their lives in front of them. The little boy might not be too happy as he grows up if he gets reminded that his birthdate is the same date as his grandmas funeral!!!

nickyhutch

loobylou2 wrote: »

Its not just about respect for someone who has passed away though is it?? Its about the fact that every year whenever the OP's son has his birthday the entire family will also be reminded that his birthday falls on the date that grandmas funeral was held. Grandma has passed away and can neither know nor care about when her funeral is held but her great grandson has his entire life to live. Its about having respect not only for people who have passed away but also for those who are still alive and have their lives in front of them. The little boy might not be too happy as he grows up if he gets reminded that his birthdate is the same date as his grandmas funeral!!!

I must be weird, then; I really can't see this happening. I think is IS just about respect for someone who's just died. Having a birthday party isnt a thing that commands respect. And why on earth would family members want to mention to the little boy that his great-grandma's funeral was on his first birthday? Now THAT would be odd.