MIL - am I a bad person?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Some people - those who are having difficulty adjusting to the reality of a death - my MIL2 to the long predicted death of FIL2, for example - can get emotional of the day of the week of the death, the day of the month, the anniversary, the birthday, Christmas, Easter, Wimbledon (if they were a fan), whenever the favoured football team is playing, whenever they see a particular flower, hear a song, smell fresh bread baking...

Not everyone gets over it as quickly as they perhaps should. After possibly years of caring for someone (and possibly resenting it and even half wishing it could all be over with), the empty hole left in their life can leave them flailing around for purpose and completely bereft of tact and diplomacy. For example, MIL2 told my OH that he couldn't be a pallbearer because he was too short and would make it look stupid, whilst getting his sister's violent drunken taller boyfriend (whom FIL2 detested) to do it (wearing his son's school shirt, blazer and tie because he wouldn't waste 'good money on a suit just for sticking him in the oven'. OH wore immaculately tailored suit and may have been the shortest bloke, but he was the best dressed). It would have served no useful purpose to bring it up at the time. She apologised profusely two years later.


It is possible that it could be remembered later, but I don't think it's really so important as to possibly stir up a long running feud over it. A row would definitely be remembered every year.

I'd go to the service if OH wanted, then leave and avoid the awkwardness of the cucumber sandwiches and weak tea afterwards. Don't rub it in that you are having your party to celebrate the little one's life, just explain you have to go now and if she needs any help, not to hesitate to call. If anyone asks you why you aren't staying, 'my parents could only look after DS for a couple of hours', should cover all bases.

mrcow

loobylou2 wrote: »

Its not just about respect for someone who has passed away though is it?? Its about the fact that every year whenever the OP's son has his birthday the entire family will also be reminded that his birthday falls on the date that grandmas funeral was held.

Why would they be reminded of that? Unless of course the OP goes round kicking up a stink during the wake?

Most people there wouldn't give it a second's thought.

Anyway, why is it so wrong to remember someone's funeral date? It's just a date like any other. A funeral is an opportunity to say goodbye to someone. No, they are not always pleasant or nice days, but they are very important and to mark a funeral date with rememberance is just another way of marking respect for the person you are missing.

Any date is always going to fall on someone's birthday, no matter how hard you plan. The OP is only bothered as they are being asked to adjust the party arrangements.

fran-o

just to send a hug and say I don't think you're a 'bad person' at all...
I have angry upset horrible feelings about my sister every now and then because she moved away to Australia. I know she did it for a better life but it doesn't stop me from feeling blue every now and then and taking it personally. Even if you rationally know that MiL acted in grief and not malice, your initial reaction might be one of sadness or anger.
I know this isn't a solution to your problem, just wanted to say don't beat yourself up for feeling emotions that other people think might be inappropriate. Best wishes

Fleago

Would it be possible for you to have someone not going to the funeral look after your little one during the actual service and then collect your child and take him to the wake? I am suggesting this because we did that with my daughter when my grandfather died.

What everyone remembers, years later, of that day, was how lovely it was to have a little toddler around, making people smile and reminding them of the circle of life. Admittedly, it wasn't her first birthday, but I would have done the same thing even if it had been, as I really believe that a funeral takes precedence.

I really don't think it is a great hardship to move a first birthday party, which the child will not remember. Rather, I think it is a question of respect; for the lady who has passed away, for her daughter and for her grandson who seems to be in an invidious position, caught between the wishes of his mother and his OH.

Supermom

I don't often post but this post has hit a nerve with me and as its all gone rather one sided I felt the need to put a different side to things.

First you need a big hug your little one only has one 1st Birthday and as a mum of 3 I know just how important that day will be to you.

Secondly you've not really commented on how your relationship is with your MIL or really what sort of a person the woman is so it is unfair of anyone to make assumptions as to her character yes she may well be upset at the death of her mother or she could for example be like my monster in law was when her mother died and not care less, my MIL was out of the hospital less than ten minutes after her mother died straight round to her house emptied it of anything valuable, took savings books and emptied the accounts (all the same day GMIL died) so that she wouldn't have to share anything with any other members of the family!!!
That was not grief that was greed.

My monster in law is the sort of person who would have arranged to have the funeral on my sons birthday if this would have been possible (it wasen't thankfully) just because she is a spitefull old witch.

I'm not saying that this is the case for the lady that's posted she may well get on with her MIL but it is wrong of people to assume, that the MIL in question is some how lost in grief that she can't be more considerate to her own daughter in law, she did have 3 different days to choose from so why pick this one???

In my opinion carry on with your original plans and have a lovely party for your little one because a year ago you created and gave birth to him and you deserve for that day to be remembered and yes he won't remember one bit of it but you will.......

blondeonblonde

my brother in law died on my dds 10th birthday. we had already had her party on the friday before, he deteriorated rapidly over the weekend...his headstone now has her birthday on it. we put a positive spin on it, saying that even when you are old you;ll always remember him and everyone else will remember that his anniversary is your birthday.......
life is too short to fret over things that dont really matter........

Saint_Chris

It seems to me, that you have already decided that your m-i-l is out of order, and you want everyone on here to agree with you.

It is your decission, and you have to live with whatever you go with.

Me personally i would go to the funeral, and i would move the childs party to a couple of hours later.

Fleago

Supermom wrote: »

In my opinion carry on with your original plans and have a lovely party for your little one because a year ago you created and gave birth to him and you deserve for that day to be remembered and yes he won't remember one bit of it but you will.......

That's all very well, but where does the child's father figure in that plan, possibly forced to choose between his grandmother's funeral (and any wake afterwards) and the toddler's birthday party.

princess_tinkerbell_3

i don't particularly get on great with my mil, but if she was in your mil's situation and her mother's funeral was being held on my child's first birthday i would re-arrange the party

your child won't remember when his first birthday party was held, but your oh will be thankful that he's not having to choose between his son/wife and his mother/gran.

my son's first birthday party was held a day earlier than his birthday, bc his grandparents - my inlaws - wouldn't have been able to make it on the actual day, whilst it's not entirely similar situation as yours it honestly didn't bother me that i had to do that.

i'd say work around the funeral i.e. make the party a day later. alternatively make the party after the funeral if poss. seems unkind of you not to go to the funeral bc of the party.

jenhug

both my daughters slept through their first birthday parties!
They saw the guests arrive then zonked for the entire time!
At the end of the day, in 10 years time, I really don't think the date of her funeral will be important, your sons birthday will be the predominant date for years to come.