MIL - am I a bad person?

pokey128

Thanks all
I know I'm being insensitive being angry at her for this but I really can't help it. Yes she has just lost her mother (and as I said previously I have also lost my mum) but all I'm asking is to have the funeral on a day that's not my sons birthday. She has been waiting for her mum to die for months now and has started planning the big US trip she wants us to go on with the inheritance so I don't think she is that cut up about it.

I feel awful being this upset about a stupid birthday party but I organised it and now I'm expected to cancel everything because she wants to have the funeral then. I offered to speak to the undertaker and change things (it was only organised about an hour before we found out when it was) but she didn't want to.

I'm so mad at myself but really can't help it- we will never get his first birthday back.

loobylou2

KellyWelly wrote: »

My daughter was born the day after my grandad's funeral (I was in labour at the funeral but I kept quiet because they would have sent me off to the hospital!) It's not exactly the same but whilst it is a sad reminder of his passing on her birthday what it has evolved into is a general sense of thankfullness, we all remind each other of the gift we were given even though we lost somebody quite precious to us all. My daughter says 'Jesus sent me to you to stop you being sad about grampy'.

The difference is though that I had no choice in the matter whether it was the same day/day after, this is a decision that has been made. I don't think you can change it, but I do think it wasn't very thoughtful - although as mrcow said, she's just lost her mother and in the grand scheme of things, your child's 1st birthday is pretty insignificant. Nobody really cares about it other than the mum and dad (sorry!)

But the OP obviously cares about it though because she is the childs mother, and its important to her. I understand and sympathise with her MIL because she"s just lost her mother but perhaps her OH could just go to the funeral without her as she isn"t directly related to his grandmother then she could have her party.

KellyWelly

loobylou2 wrote: »

But the OP obviously cares about it though because she is the childs mother, and its important to her. I understand and sympathise with her MIL because she"s just lost her mother but perhaps her OH could just go to the funeral without her as she isn"t directly related to his grandmother then she could have her party.

I think that sounds like the best solution. Just say you can't come because you have the birthday party and it's all arranged etc and that you didn't think they would miss you and the little one not being there etc. That way your OH can go to his gran's funeral and you can still spend the special day with your son.

loobylou2

I know I'm being insensitive being angry at her for this but I really can't help it. Yes she has just lost her mother (and as I said previously I have also lost my mum) but all I'm asking is to have the funeral on a day that's not my sons birthday. She has been waiting for her mum to die for months now and has started planning the big US trip she wants us to go on with the inheritance so I don't think she is that cut up about it.

I don't think you are being insensitive at all. Its a difficult situation and you just have to try and find a solution which will keep yourself, OH and MIL happy thats all, think compromise!!!!

poppyolivia

I can understand both sides....but at the end of the day your wee kid isn't going to remember if his birthday party was on the same day as the funeral or not...the only way he will know that is if you tell him when he is older...have the party before or after the funeral.

liney

I think your OH should speak with his mother and ask her why out of the 3 days available, she is insisting on clashing with her grandsons pre arranged first Birthday party.

If that was the only option then of course you should change the party, but it sounds like she is deliberately trying to make people chose between the two events, or indeed you and her. Your OH is in the middle, and needs to sort it out.

Errata

Anyway, my partners mother has been organising things today as you do but has arranged the funeral for our sons first birthday and thinks we should change his party for another day

From experience: a daughter coping with the sad death of her mum and having to make funeral arrangements often has her head all over the place.
Your MIL wasn't being mean suggesting your son's first birthday party could be held on another day. He won't know it's the day of his birthday, and neither will his little friends.
Your son will have many more birthdays in the future, your OH's grandma will have none. Your generosity to your MIL over this can be your way of expressing your sympathy for her loss.

Errata

Anyway, my partners mother has been organising things today as you do but has arranged the funeral for our sons first birthday and thinks we should change his party for another day

From experience: a daughter coping with the sad death of her mum and having to make funeral arrangements often has her head all over the place.
Your MIL wasn't being mean suggesting your son's first birthday party could be held on another day. He won't know it's the day of his birthday, and neither will his little friends.
Your son will have many more birthdays in the future, your OH's grandma will have none.
Your generosity to your MIL over this can be your way of expressing your sympathy for her loss.

pulliptears

pokey128 wrote: »

She has been waiting for her mum to die for months now and has started planning the big US trip she wants us to go on with the inheritance so I don't think she is that cut up about it.

I think thats a little harsh. I'm guessing the lady has been ill for some time, and let me tell you, as a person who nursed her Dad to the end with a terminal illness you need a distraction. You need something to look forward to after the inevitable end and in the case of your MIL she was planning a trip.

Personally, I think you are selfish. Your child is one, he will neither known nor care that its his first birthday. Your OH has just lost his Gran and that little boy has just lost a Great Gran who he will now never know.

Move the party forward a day and get over it.

Zoetoes

MIL could have picked any of the 3 days, why on earth would she pick her grandchilds first birthday??

I would put it something like 'it's important to me and hubby that we both be at the funeral so is there any possibility of changing it to one of the other 2 days that were available so that we can be there because we really don't want to have to miss it'.

Regardless of the time of the party, it's your sons first birthday, it's supposed to be a happy day, the funeral didn't have to be the same day.

Not quite the same but - when my Grandad died we were going away that morning, only to Butlins but still it was a holiday for us all, I got the phone call at 6am to say he'd died - unexpectedly, but we still went away, and my nan said we must still go on holiday as did my mum. There was nothing I could do if I'd stayed.