MIL - am I a bad person?

margaretclare

Thank you, whitewing. I did not intend anything other than to be totally supportive of loobylou. The 'nonsense' was aimed at those misinformed people who perpetuate these myths, that this, that or something else could have 'caused' someone to have a stroke when, realistically, they were lined up for one anyway, any time, anywhere.

It is sad that family occasions seem to bring these memories to the fore, when they should properly be dismissed as the nonsense they are. 'Blaming' a child for what he/she could not possibly have controlled or influenced in any way. But that's the way the human mind seems to work.

My DH's birthday, and my eldest GD's birthday, will always be blighted for us now because that was the date of my younger daughter's death in 2002, 30th December. We were about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary on 14th January, but because of her funeral, we didn't.

loobylou2

margaretclare wrote: »

Thank you, whitewing. I did not intend anything other than to be totally supportive of loobylou. The 'nonsense' was aimed at those misinformed people who perpetuate these myths, that this, that or something else could have 'caused' someone to have a stroke when, realistically, they were lined up for one anyway, any time, anywhere.

It is sad that family occasions seem to bring these memories to the fore, when they should properly be dismissed as the nonsense they are. 'Blaming' a child for what he/she could not possibly have controlled or influenced in any way. But that's the way the human mind seems to work.

My DH's birthday, and my eldest GD's birthday, will always be blighted for us now because that was the date of my younger daughter's death in 2002, 30th December. We were about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary on 14th January, but because of her funeral, we didn't.

I"m really sorry to hear about your loss Margaret Clare.

amersall

liney wrote: »

I think your OH should speak with his mother and ask her why out of the 3 days available, she is insisting on clashing with her grandsons pre arranged first Birthday party.

If that was the only option then of course you should change the party, but it sounds like she is deliberately trying to make people chose between the two events, or indeed you and her. Your OH is in the middle, and needs to sort it out.

yes i second that

nickyhutch

loobylou2 wrote: »

Can I take it that you are also including the OP and her son in this statement then?. Like me she might just be someone who does not like going to funerals ( I had to attend 3 in one week once and it was not a pleasant experience!!!) and wants to put her son first which is what as a mother she should be doing anyway. If her OH needs her support then she simply needs to find a way to compromise with him and his family by perhaps just going to the service and having her party afterwards. Why do people get so worked up over funerals?? They're supposed to be a celebration of a life passed aren"t they not some big family drama???

I should perhaps have said "those left behind who cared about the deceased". I feel that as a mother, she should be showing her son how to behave and that the right thing to do is to go to the funeral. Not quite the same in this case as he is only 1, granted, but for in the future. Start as you mean to go on.

As for supporting her DH, then if she can go to both the party and the funeral, well that's win-win, isn't it, but I don't think that's an option and that's why she's posted on here.

I think people get worked up over funerals because someone has DIED, and that's obviously upsetting.

All just my opinion and how I do things - you're perfectly entitled to not "do" funerals, but you surely see that, as another poster said, you're in the minority there.

AlwaysWorking

Janepig wrote: »

After my mum died I was quite hurt that NO-ONE from work turned up. Admittedly there was a staff conference quite a distance away on the same day, and I'd had lots of nice cards and letters, but not one person thought to turn up late at the conference and come to the funeral. Still cuts a bit when I think about it but I don't think about it! And I always make the effort to go to a funeral when I can, even if I don't know the deceased but know their partner/child, etc... It's as much about showing support to the remaining family as it is showing respect to the dead.

Jxx

I know what you mean. I worked in England when my dad died - I was single and had enthusiasm back then :rotfl:so worked silly hours (didn't get paid overtime). The (female) secretaries sent me a card but none of my male colleagues bothered, nor did they send a wreath between them or phone to see how I was. I was VERY hurt and, not surprisingly, stopped working such silly hours and started thinking about moving back closer to home. I honestly think the OP needs to put aside her feelings, attend the funeral and hold the party on another day. People will remember the date the person died on, not the date they were buried on.

pokey128

Right, I can't believe what a can of worms I seem to have opened here - it really wasn't meant to happen.

I totally respect everyone's opinions on this matter - yes I think I am being selfish being upset about all this but I said so in my original post. I really hate myself for being so upset about it but I do think its just the straw that broke the camels back.

To answer as many of your questions as I can remember:
My OH is obviously very upset about his gran - they were very close as she brought him up for 2 years when he was younger and his mother wanted to work somewhere that doesn't allow children but at the same time he has also been looking forward to DS birthday for ages as well. He is very close to his mother and will never say a bad word to her regardless of what she has done (I think maybe cause she left him previously)

I don't have any relationship with her - she hates me and doesn't hide the fact, When she phones she speaks to me like I'm his secretary and often invites OH over for dinner without me (asking me on the phone if I think he will be free for dinner). She used to always say how lovely his last girlfriend was and that she misses her -infront of me!
When we went round to say we were engaged she didn't say anything even though the rest of the family were really happy.
When he told her I was pregnant her reaction was - are you going to keep it?
After DS was born she told us that she didn't want to babysit cause she doesn't really like children even though a friend of OH had a baby a couple of years ago and she was always looking after her.
I don't think I am a bad person (although clearly most of you lot do!) and even OH thinks she is being out of order sometimes but would never say that to her.

All my family live at least 4 hours away so can't really babysit so me and OH haven't had a night out together since DS was born (that's besides the point)

Back to the situation in hand...

I have changed the party to the sunday before hand - it means that 3 of the babies can no longer come but that can't be helped. For the people who said this was a party for me and my friends rather than my DS that is not true - a lot of my friends however do have babies around the same age and are on maternity leave as well (hence why I could have the party on a monday)

I am still angry that the funeral is on his actual birthday but I will bite my tongue (for some reason if it was his 2nd birthday I dn't think I would be so upset cause I would know then it wasn't a big deal iyswim)

Thanks for all the advice - it has been appreciated

x

notakid

Thanks for the update Pokey.

The babies won't care if they come or not but it will give your husband a chance to unwind and enjoy himself esp. after the funeral for someone he loved deeply.

It doesn't matter if your MIL is a cow, what matters is you have done the right thing. (Esp. for your husband.)

Enjoy the first birthday. I still remember my sons first birthday party and we didn't have it on his birthday but a few days after at the weekend so everyone could come. It didn't spoil the day at all.

loobylou2

I'm glad you"ve managed to get things sorted out as well. Death and Funerals are such strange issues, everybody has different views and ideas on how people should or should not behave and what is and is not appropriate. I work in the probate team of a large company and so deal with the accounts of people who have passed away every day and it never ceases to amaze me how differently people react to death. I still can"t believe that if someone passes away in the morning a loved one will think its ok to contact us on the same day of their passing to discuss their loved ones gas bill but it can and does happen!!! Whilst on the other hand some people will leave it literally for years before they notify us that their loved one has passed away!!! Life and Death as well unfortunately are very strange things!!!

SugarSpun

loobylou2 wrote: »

I still can"t believe that if someone passes away in the morning a loved one will think its ok to contact us on the same day of their passing to discuss their loved ones gas bill but it can and does happen!!!

If the deceased person was in sheltered housing, often there's almost no choice. My grandmother passed away Sunday lunchtime. We had till Thursday to clear her flat and to cancel her council tax status/benefits/gas/phone etc.

liney

loobylou2 wrote: »

I'm glad you"ve managed to get things sorted out as well. Death and Funerals are such strange issues, everybody has different views and ideas on how people should or should not behave and what is and is not appropriate. I work in the probate team of a large company and so deal with the accounts of people who have passed away every day and it never ceases to amaze me how differently people react to death. I still can"t believe that if someone passes away in the morning a loved one will think its ok to contact us on the same day of their passing to discuss their loved ones gas bill but it can and does happen!!! Whilst on the other hand some people will leave it literally for years before they notify us that their loved one has passed away!!! Life and Death as well unfortunately are very strange things!!!

I'm a practical person. I would be the one on the phone sorting out these kinds of things ASAP so that others didn't have to, and in my own way providing them with support. I just can't do the hugging and crying , so in bad situations I organise. It doesn't mean i don't care, just that different people do react very, very differently. Suppose it's a good job really, else funerals would never get arranged and affairs would drag on without "organisers" even if my own Mother does think i've no sympathy for anyone!