MIL - am I a bad person?

mrcow

Pokey, for what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing. Sometimes you do just have to bite your tongue and take the higher ground for the sake of the feelings of others (I'm not talking about your MIL here!).

I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL. We have an understanding now (basically that I won't be moved and she has to lump it) but it's taken a lot of pain to get there. I do get where you are coming from, but you could never win in this situation. Half the family are grieving and you'd only ever look like the bad guy by kicking up a stink.

This is kind of a unique situation though, it sounds like she's pushing you around a lot of the rest of the time - certianly don't put up with it. Bullies only continue whilst their victims allow them to.......

Janepig

loobylou2 wrote: »

I'm glad you"ve managed to get things sorted out as well. Death and Funerals are such strange issues, everybody has different views and ideas on how people should or should not behave and what is and is not appropriate. I work in the probate team of a large company and so deal with the accounts of people who have passed away every day and it never ceases to amaze me how differently people react to death. I still can"t believe that if someone passes away in the morning a loved one will think its ok to contact us on the same day of their passing to discuss their loved ones gas bill but it can and does happen!!! Whilst on the other hand some people will leave it literally for years before they notify us that their loved one has passed away!!! Life and Death as well unfortunately are very strange things!!!

My great uncle used to live with my grandmother (his sister) and after he died very suddenly in the early hours of the morning, she was beating down the door of the post office at 9am to cash his pension before they found out he'd died but managed to have the screaming ab-dabs at the funeral parlour and the crem!!! Oh and she managed to give me an earful for putting too many teabags in the pot when I was making refreshments for the mourners!! She was a beaut was my Grandmother!!

Jxx

SP123_3

Sorry, I may be swimming against the tide here but I think you are the one in the wrong. A funeral is a much more significant event than a birthday, even a first birthday, and I think you should respect your MIL's wishes on this one.

It's only a party, which your son won't remember anyway as he's so young, so either cancel it or change the date.

Think how much resentment it could cause if you try to insist the funeral is changed in order to accommodate a birthday party! The funeral has been booked, notification will be going out - think of the upheaval if you push to change it. It's also grossly insulting to the old lady - her death may have been expected but it's disrespectful to expect her funeral to play second fiddle to a birthday party!

teresaevans_2

Yes I agree, and I think what you need to be mindful of is that the logistics involved in booking a funeral is not always simplistic, and just maybe there was no availability in booking another date around the same time. I know of someone who delayed their mothers funeral due to pre-existing arrangements which led to the deceased being left in a funeral home for another week, which I personally consider was a selfish act.

SugarSpun

teresaevans wrote: »

Yes I agree, and I think what you need to be mindful of is that the logistics involved in booking a funeral is not always simplistic, and just maybe there was no availability in booking another date around the same time. I know of someone who delayed their mothers funeral due to pre-existing arrangements which led to the deceased being left in a funeral home for another week, which I personally consider was a selfish act.

If you'd read the thread you'd have seen that there were three options available, one sooner and one later than the OP's son's birthday, and the MIL chose the birthday and refused to change it after only an hour had passed.

I think both events could easily have happened on the same day, but then I'm fairly relaxed like that.

reeree

pokey128 wrote: »

Right, I can't believe what a can of worms I seem to have opened here - it really wasn't meant to happen.

I totally respect everyone's opinions on this matter - yes I think I am being selfish being upset about all this but I said so in my original post. I really hate myself for being so upset about it but I do think its just the straw that broke the camels back.

To answer as many of your questions as I can remember:
My OH is obviously very upset about his gran - they were very close as she brought him up for 2 years when he was younger and his mother wanted to work somewhere that doesn't allow children but at the same time he has also been looking forward to DS birthday for ages as well. He is very close to his mother and will never say a bad word to her regardless of what she has done (I think maybe cause she left him previously)

I don't have any relationship with her - she hates me and doesn't hide the fact, When she phones she speaks to me like I'm his secretary and often invites OH over for dinner without me (asking me on the phone if I think he will be free for dinner). She used to always say how lovely his last girlfriend was and that she misses her -infront of me!
When we went round to say we were engaged she didn't say anything even though the rest of the family were really happy.
When he told her I was pregnant her reaction was - are you going to keep it?
After DS was born she told us that she didn't want to babysit cause she doesn't really like children even though a friend of OH had a baby a couple of years ago and she was always looking after her.
I don't think I am a bad person (although clearly most of you lot do!) and even OH thinks she is being out of order sometimes but would never say that to her.

All my family live at least 4 hours away so can't really babysit so me and OH haven't had a night out together since DS was born (that's besides the point)

Back to the situation in hand...

I have changed the party to the sunday before hand - it means that 3 of the babies can no longer come but that can't be helped. For the people who said this was a party for me and my friends rather than my DS that is not true - a lot of my friends however do have babies around the same age and are on maternity leave as well (hence why I could have the party on a monday)

I am still angry that the funeral is on his actual birthday but I will bite my tongue (for some reason if it was his 2nd birthday I dn't think I would be so upset cause I would know then it wasn't a big deal iyswim)

Thanks for all the advice - it has been appreciated

x

i know its by the by but will mil be attending ds birthday party

lesley1960

It would have been better to have the funeral on the Friday , I think everyone hates the lead up to funerals , and having it on the Friday gives you the weekend to come to terms with it , and then having a little boys birthday to celebrate after the funeral would lift everyones mood , and lets everyone move on.

My MIL died a few weeks ago on a Friday and the funeral director pushed to have her funeral before the following weekend which was a bank holiday , as he said we wouldnt want another weekend to worry over it.

Curious_George_2

I havent read all of the thread but i wanted to say to the OP that i would have been secretly miffed too,

personally i would have gone ahead with the babies party stating that your child is clearly too young to sit through a funeral, they are not the place for children and as the kid is your responsibility that you have to stay home with him,
so the party may aswell go ahead... i went to a funeral recently and there was no way either of my children (9 years and 19 months) were coming, it wasnt even an issue...

dont worry about the future, ive been to many funerals and nobody ever remembers what date they were held on, only the actual date of the death

i get the feeling that people were having a pop at the OP for being honest, and thats not fair... you cant help your reaction to things and surely its not that hard to understand that her childs first birthday was supposed to be special not overshadowed by doom and gloom.

PolishBigSpender

skintchick wrote: »

It does seem insensitive of her.

I would say it's rather insensitive of the original poster...

pokey128

Hi again!
Just for the record - right from the start I said that i thought I was in the wrong for thinking that organising a funeral on the same day as your only grandson's birthday was out of order so please don't have a go at me anymore.

I've changed the party and will be taking DS to the funeral on Monday (standing at the back so not to disturb anyone) and I will just get on with it.

None of this means I am going to like or be liked anymore by my MIL - that has nothing to do with the funeral though.

Maybe my partner would be better finding someone his mother will like but I fear he may be looking for a long time if that's the case. All i wanted from a MIL was someone who treated me with a little respect, didn''t want me to "get rid" of DS, isn't planning on wearing a black hat to our wedding and doesn't think "there is no point" in meeting my family

xx