MIL - am I a bad person?

erichamster

Just thought I'd say OP I'm on your side (seems like I'm about the only one). I would have thought that the MIL should have taken not only the significance of your son's birthday into account but also her son's feelings in having to choose between his son and grandmother, especially when she was given a choice of three dates.

I think from what you have said about your MIL it is very likely to be out of spite, but you were completely caught between a rock and a hard place and I think ultimately you have made the best (and not too mention selfless) decision.

If I was in the same position as the MIL organising the funeral, the birthday party would take precedence, after all a funeral is not for the deceased, only for those left behind so that they can feel better about themselves (and perhaps the way they treated the deceased while they were alive) by going. If you really cared about a person while they were alive and showed it then they would know that, and attending a funeral or not is irrelevant. I personally can't stand people who go on and on about showing respect for a deceased person at a funeral whom they ignored while they were alive. Just my opinion, but there you go.

nickyhutch

pokey128 wrote: »

Hi again!
Maybe my partner would be better finding someone his mother will like but I fear he may be looking for a long time if that's the case. All i wanted from a MIL was someone who treated me with a little respect, didn''t want me to "get rid" of DS, isn't planning on wearing a black hat to our wedding and doesn't think "there is no point" in meeting my family

xx

OP, this ISN'T ABOUT you and your MIL. For you, it's about your DH and supporting him. You're getting all het up about the funeral because of what you perceive your MIL to expect from you, when all you should be bothered about is being there for your DH, whose grandma has just died.

Your MIL does sound a terror, but as I said, it's not about her. If you really do want you to treat you with respect, then you need to show some too. I don't think I'd give a toss whether someone like that respected me or not. And if you're going to let a black hat ruin your wedding day...... :rolleyes: If she doesn't want to meet your family, then so be it - it's her loss, not theirs. She sounds a lot like my first MIL, and she was a cow too, but this isn't about your MIL, it's about your DH and his grandma.

Lois_and_CK

loobylou2 wrote: »

every year whenever the OP's son has his birthday the entire family will also be reminded that his birthday falls on the date that grandmas funeral was held.

I think people are more likely to note the date someone died, rather than their funeral dates. My family remember my grandad/visit his grave on the anniversary of his death, not his funeral. Same with other family relatives who've passed away. In fact, I'm not even sure what the date of his funeral was now. It's not a significant date that people would bring up normally and I doubt very much that people would point out every single year ad nauseum to this boy that his great gran died on his birthday.

mrscb

I think the funeral date will be remembered esp by OPs OH.....His grans funeral on same day as sons 1st birthday.Every year on the birthday someone will bring up the funeral(prob the MIL:rolleyes:)
Dont want to appear disrespectful but the MIL seems like a bit of a battleaxe esp when she could easily have changed the date as there was a choice.Yes its a funeral but I bet the deceased wouldnt have wanted to change the party of GGS.
Hope the party is great and the funeral goes as well as can be expected.

Georgie4

OP ,just wanted to say that I am on your side as well and although only have your side of the story it would seem deliberate to chose this date for the funeral given that she had choices. You need to accept now that it is unlikely that you are going to win in any confrontation with her - especially if your OH can't see what she's doing. No easy way forward at all and this could be the state of play for 20 years to come, I'd avoid her in any way I could to be honest;)

littlemissfrugal

I too would be upset in this situation but you have done the best thing in changing your arrangements to work round it .. MIL was probably hoping for a confrontation so don't play ball with her just keep your head down and avoid her as much as possible in the future - women like this thrive on making others miserable so keep smiling and be nice at all times and hopefully in the future you OH will see her for what she really is. Hope the little one has a nice party good luck

viktory

pokey128 wrote: »

Hi
This will make me sound awful I fear but I have to get it off my chest. My partners gran died this morning after a long illness and we were told last week to prepare ourselves and then yesterday that she wouldn't last the night.
Anyway, my partners mother has been organising things today as you do but has arranged the funeral for our sons first birthday and thinks we should change his party for another day.

I organised this weeks ago and have invited quite a few friends round and sorted food and things - I really don't want to cancel now and nor do I want his first birthday to be at a funeral.
Does this make me an awful person.

She didn't even want to come to his party cause she doesn't really like children. I know this is hard for her (I lost my Mum at 15) but I can't help being angry.

I just found out this week that I am pregnant again as well so this would have been his only birthday by himself.

maybe its the hormones making me so upset...?

Thanks for listening to my rant!!

x

I definitely think you should re-arrange the party. People will understand once they know the reason; the child obviously has no idea it is his birthday and will not know for a moment that the party is on a different date. Nor does he ever have to associate his birthday with the funeral. That is an adult slant on things.

Your partner and your MIL need your support during this most difficult of times. I think you are being rather selfish personally.

ETA: I see that you have changed the party date. I think that is a good call - you need to remember though, that none of this is about your relationship with your MIL - it is about respecting and supporting your partner.

lesley1960

nickyhutch wrote: »

OP, this ISN'T ABOUT you and your MIL. For you, it's about your DH and supporting him. You're getting all het up about the funeral because of what you perceive your MIL to expect from you, when all you should be bothered about is being there for your DH, whose grandma has just died.

Your MIL does sound a terror, but as I said, it's not about her. If you really do want you to treat you with respect, then you need to show some too. I don't think I'd give a toss whether someone like that respected me or not. And if you're going to let a black hat ruin your wedding day...... :rolleyes: If she doesn't want to meet your family, then so be it - it's her loss, not theirs. She sounds a lot like my first MIL, and she was a cow too, but this isn't about your MIL, it's about your DH and his grandma.

But it is about her and her MIL , no where in her posts has she not supported her husband ,
You are right to be miffed at your MIL , op . It does appear that she arranged the funeral date to be awkward . She is probably waiting for you to make a fuss , but not doing so is probably going to annoy her ,more lol

Janey3

Given all the circumstances, and your ultimate decision, Pokey128, I feel you have handled everything with maturity and discretion in reaching that decision. You can hold your head high, imo, and your o/h should be very proud of you.

Have a fabulous birthday party.

Janey

nickyhutch

lesley1960 wrote: »

But it is about her and her MIL , no where in her posts has she not supported her husband ,
You are right to be miffed at your MIL , op . It does appear that she arranged the funeral date to be awkward . She is probably waiting for you to make a fuss , but not doing so is probably going to annoy her ,more lol

Ok, what I'm trying to say is that it shouldn't be about OP and her MIL. She's not supported her DH (IMO) by making a fuss about his grandma's funeral, choosing instead (again, IMO) to use it to aggravate an already difficult relationship between her and MIL.