On a break with bf - don't know what to do

The_Banker_5

Dinah93 wrote: »

What will you do if at the end of a month he still doesn't know?

Probably end up giving him another month.:rolleyes:

mrsdee

The_Banker wrote: »

The fact that you arent married after 10 years should tell you he doesnt love you or you dont love him. Or both.;)

Totally agree with The Banker (as I did with his "am I selfish?" responses too). It has dragged on long enough - I think you really feel this too given your "ten years, and I'm not even 30!" comment.

After six months into a great relationship, I said, ok are you in this for the long term or not, because if not, let's cut our losses and go our separate ways. He was a bit surprised but said no, this is great. We have been married several years now and very happy.

If he is not sure after 10 years, what do you think another month will do? How difficult can the decision be? It's got to be a yes or a no, right? What's going to change in that one month that will change his mind suddenly?

Be brave, make the decision and move on. You'd be amazed what's around the corner.

MadMac_2

OP, I hope you enjoyed your evening out and managed to forget your woes for a while.

Not having married in the time you've been together doesn't mean you don't, or haven't, loved each other. Every relationship runs differently and they don't always follow set patterns!

You will feel sick and ill and hurt and lonely for a little while, you are grieving in your own way for what you have lost. Hopefully, whatever happens, you will come out of it stronger and more certain of what you want.

Until then, just continue to keep yourself occupied, keep the communication flowing and don't do anything rash! Big hug hun, x

The_Banker_5

mrsdee wrote: »

Totally agree with The Banker (as I did with his "am I selfish?" responses too). It has dragged on long enough - I think you really feel this too given your "ten years, and I'm not even 30!" comment.

After six months into a great relationship, I said, ok are you in this for the long term or not, because if not, let's cut our losses and go our separate ways. He was a bit surprised but said no, this is great. We have been married several years now and very happy.

If he is not sure after 10 years, what do you think another month will do? How difficult can the decision be? It's got to be a yes or a no, right? What's going to change in that one month that will change his mind suddenly?

Be brave, make the decision and move on. You'd be amazed what's around the corner.

Thanks mrsdee. Its nice to know we're on the same wavelength.:beer:

bandraoi

I don't know why, but from the first time I read your post, I just reckoned it was over.
That's what my instinct says, it says that you know that, but are too scared to admit it to yourself.

He's not scared of breaking up, he's scared of being alone, he's scared of being without you, but he knows that it's the right thing to do, because being with you isn't right. You know it isn't right either. It's not the first time this has happened, it's the second. Even if he says yes, let's stick it out, can you really trust that this won't happen again in five years? At some point, if you two stick together, one of you will find a greener hill . . . it might not even be him.

The break up is going to be difficult, you've been together ten years, your lives are difficult to de-interwine, but both of you will be much happier once you're through the first six months.

Geenie

I would think taking the decision to break has been just as hard for the boyfriend as it is for the OP. 10 years is a long time to be with someone for both people involved. I therefore don't think he is being silly or selfish, as he must have agonised over this decision for some time. If he has doubts and his feelings have changed, then he is right to do something about it now, before children come along.

I am not the same person I was in my 20's, 30's or 40's. Neither is my OH. Fortunately we have changed together and stayed compatable. But I have seen many friends over the years who are not in their relaltionships, and it has made for many miserable years and in some cases the realisation that they should have got out before marriage and family tied them in.

The OP deserves nothing less then someone who really wants to be with her, and is certain of their feelings and wishes for the future. She should take a complete break away from him and have no contact. Not only for her sake, but so that the boyfriend can get a clear understanding of what it would be like to no longer have her in his life, and if it is really what he wants!

Good luck OP and keep strong.

ailuro2

Go find someone else to have a white dress and babies with - he is not 'the one'


If you want the whole family thing and he's just kind of "got his best buddy that he can have sex with too living with him-why change things" head on, then go now while your eggs are still worth something.;)

BrownCow_2

Thanks for all your replies.
Had a good time last night. And woke up feeling a little little bit better today, not fine but not quite as black.
In terms of him coming to a decision, making his mind up etc, that's the problem - he hasn't! The 'truth' is there somewhere in his head he just hasn't found it. Of course I hope and pray that he will realise he wants a future with me, but need to prepare that this might not happen.
If he hasn't come to a decision (found this 'truth') in a month, I might suggest how about we on a few dates to see if there's something to rekindle - have we forgotten (or has he) who we fell in love with?
But in the meantime I'm going to try my very best to enjoy myself and not dwell on things. This is going to be very very difficult and I'm not looking forward. But me ringing him is not going to change a 'truth' which already exists.
I know that he's talking to a mutual friend now, which is massive progress. At least it means he will be closer to knowing in a month

The_Banker_5

BrownCow wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.
Had a good time last night. And woke up feeling a little little bit better today, not fine but not quite as black.
In terms of him coming to a decision, making his mind up etc, that's the problem - he hasn't! The 'truth' is there somewhere in his head he just hasn't found it. Of course I hope and pray that he will realise he wants a future with me, but need to prepare that this might not happen.
If he hasn't come to a decision (found this 'truth') in a month, I might suggest how about we on a few dates to see if there's something to rekindle - have we forgotten (or has he) who we fell in love with?
But in the meantime I'm going to try my very best to enjoy myself and not dwell on things. This is going to be very very difficult and I'm not looking forward. But me ringing him is not going to change a 'truth' which already exists.
I know that he's talking to a mutual friend now, which is massive progress. At least it means he will be closer to knowing in a month

He doesnt love you.


Sorry!!!!!!!!

BrownCow_2

Oh my goodness, that is not what I want or need to hear right now.
He has said that he does love me and has acted lovingly towards me over the time he's had doubts.
I think he is in a pit of depression and can't see any further than his own nose at the moment. He's unhappy with his career, situation in general and possibly sees our relationship as something he can change and maybe that will make him happy.
How can you say he doesn't love me when you don't know him or me? I just need to feel better right now. I'm feeling worse than I have ever felt in my whole life. Everything I thought I know has come crashing down and I feel I have just been kicked again, I'm shocked anyone could be so cruel.

Sorry, I don't mean to be personal.

I'm not looking for false hope, just some comfort that whatever happens things will be OK, I will be OK. I have just been told that the one person I've shared 1/3 of my life with doesn't love me he hasn't said that. I don't think things will be OK now, don't know what to say