On a break with bf - don't know what to do

clearing_out_my_pockets

Two and a half years ago, I suggested to my then fiance that we take a break. Since proposing to me he didn't show any interest whatsoever in setting a date, he wouldn't even consider living with me (he doesn't believe in renting and had too much adverse credit to get a mortgage). Things came to a head in September 2006 when something happened in my life and I needed support. A very close family member had an accident and was in intensive care. He chose that moment to start having wobbles. I NEEDED him and the pressure and enormity of it was too much. In November I decided to put some space between us and told him that he needed to work out what I mean to him.

For the first two weeks it was extremely difficult - I had a lot on my plate and couldn't turn to family as they were preoccupied. As I was so busy I didn't call him. Interestingly he didn't call me either. During the third week, he called. And he acted as if nothing had changed. There were no apologies, no explanations for his lack of committment or support. Because of the situation I was in, I needed someone who was committed to me and my family. He seemed unwilling to do that so although I was civil, I wasn't exactly friendly. I still loved him with all my heart but I needed to KNOW that he loved me back.

After two months, he seemed to realise that I wasn't going to back down and he needed to show me that he loved me. But the fact that it took him two months killed it for me. Yes it hurt. Yes it was me that made the 'break' decision. Yes I hated myself. But gradually I came to see that it wasn't me that had done it. He pushed me so far that there was only one course of action I could take.

By the way, I started seeing my ex at the age of 18 and we split when I was 24. I am now 26 and engaged. Although my ex was still contacting me in January hoping for a reconciliation, I understand that he is now engaged himself and expecting a baby.

The point of all of that is to show you that although my story is not exactly the same, if you take a different path you can still be happy

I'm not saying it will be easy. I didn't know what path to take. But look at it this way - how can he miss you if you're still there?

Dinah93

After 10 years, I assume you've had a chat about each of your positions with regards to marriage, babies etc and they are in sync? Because if you get over this hurdle, you need to know there isn't a great big roadblock up ahead.

bluekp

Hi BrownCow,

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I went through something similar years ago with an old boyfriend and it's never nice.

What I wanted to ask you was - were you completely happy before he started saying he didn't know what he wanted?

When I went through it, I was already having (serious) doubts that I even wanted to be with my boyfriend anymore. However, as soon as he said he wasn't happy - I wanted him back!

I'm just wondering if it's the same for you as it was for me - you want what you can't have?

Anyway, keep your chin up - this will work itself out! As for me, I finally plucked up the courage to get rid of my boyfriend, then immediately met the man of my dreams (now my husband)

bikerqueen

read "he's just not that in to you", because, I'm afraid, I think he's just not that in to you...

I'm not trying to be mean but ime "i don't know what I want" means I don't want to be with you but can't be arsed on my own. yet...

I've been in this position twice, from both sides, and I could have written your message about contacting him or not, what will make him miss you more... And unfortunately I think you may have to move on. I'm actually really annoyed at him because he's being a wimp. He is making YOU go through pain because he's not man enough to say "I'm really sorry but it's not working". He's giving you all sorts of false hope, and messing you around. He is also controlling you so you can't go off and get over him. One day, you'll be as angry about this as I am

Take care.

Dinah93

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

But look at it this way - how can he miss you if you're still there?

Bit off topic, but I found it funny. Last night when my OH got home he pulled me in for a bit of a cuddle. After about 5mins he whsipered in my ear 'I really miss you'. I was completely confused, as I was right there! Turns out he meant when we were at work, but I thought he'd hit a new level of clingy to miss me while actually holding me!

junkanoo

BrownCow wrote: »

Right now I'm finding myself in a pit of despair and tears and just hearing his voice and having a friendly normal chat has made me 100% better and different to before I spoke with him.

In the beginning it is going to be very difficult, you just have to fight the want to call him. Its perfectly normal. But you will find as time ticks by, it will get easier, you will become stronger. You will become more dependent on yourself and less dependent on him. I personally think keeping the lines of communication open is a good thing and by keeping it friendly is the way to do it, but the important thing here is to do whats best for you. Having said that though, you do need to find ways to distract yourself when you feel like you have to talk to him. Next time you want to talk to him, do something, go for a walk, phone a friend, visit your family, read a book, just try not to call him. Let him call you. You will break that cycle, it just takes time. Some people can just stop right away, others, like yourself take a little longer.
Hope your having a better afternoon than morning.

Summer-Caitlin

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I had been in a similar situation to you. I got together with my boyfriend when I was 18. We bought a house together after being with eachother for a year, we then got engaged after 3 years. 7 years into the relationship he showed no signs of actually wanting to get married. Sure I had the ring, but I felt stupid wearing it felt as if no date was ever going to be set. We were bickering constantly, he was in a rut with his work and quite short tempered and depressed at the time. I was going through a bad time as a student and we just didn't get to spend that much quality time together. I felt like I was the only one doing the housework, dealing with financial stuff, cooking etc and I felt really unappreciated and exhausted. In all honesty I think I was on the verge of a breakdown.

We separated for 2 months, my choice, I just didn't know if I wanted to be with him anymore, didn't know if I could handle his moods, or feeling like I was a housekeeper. In that 2 months we spoke every week, I moved in with my mum and he moved in with his, the house stayed empty. At the beginning of the break, I was pretty adament that it was over, even said I didn't love him anymore and part of that was true, I certainly didn't love the person he had become. However after a month apart, and regular phone conversations of just every day stuff, we both realised that we were missing eachother, and agreed to meet up. We spoke all night and discussed our relationship and why we both had been at fault. We agreed to take it slowly and start dating again. It wasn't easy, but we slowly found eachother again. We got back together fully (moved back in with eachother) 3 months after our break or break up. We got engaged properly 3 months later and set the date for our wedding for one year. In 2007 we had our fairytale wedding in Disneyworld and we do have our happily ever after. We have been together 11 years this August.

I don't want to upset you or fill you with hope with my experience, but I do want to show that not all breaks are for good. Sometimes breaks can be very helpful, sometimes that time apart can give you that space to find yourself again and remember how much you mean to eachother. He may simply be confused, it isn't abnormal to feel that at times. People don't always deal with things the right way, but I do believe that keeping the communication open is the best thing, just a phone call every few days and talk about normal things (not bills, house, marriage etc) try and remember what it was like when you dated.

However even if you don't get back together, try not to get too down about it. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. You will find your soulmate, even if he isn't the one.

HTH

BrownCow_2

Thanks for all your replies.
This afternoon is a bit better but then I don't think it gets much worse than this morning! I do want to keep the communication going, but on casual friendly terms and not as often as every day.
But I need time to work out what I want and who I am (how deep). I've been with him all my 20s (you may as well say) and although I'm very grateful to the posters who think I'm young, I do still want children (more than anything - on my own if it hasn't happened with someone I love) and I know I'm not *that* young

clearing_out_my_pockets

Dinah93 wrote: »

Bit off topic, but I found it funny. Last night when my OH got home he pulled me in for a bit of a cuddle. After about 5mins he whsipered in my ear 'I really miss you'. I was completely confused, as I was right there! Turns out he meant when we were at work, but I thought he'd hit a new level of clingy to miss me while actually holding me!

You know what I meant!!!

clearing_out_my_pockets

BrownCow wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.
This afternoon is a bit better but then I don't think it gets much worse than this morning! I do want to keep the communication going, but on casual friendly terms and not as often as every day.
But I need time to work out what I want and who I am (how deep). I've been with him all my 20s (you may as well say) and although I'm very grateful to the posters who think I'm young, I do still want children (more than anything - on my own if it hasn't happened with someone I love) and I know I'm not *that* young

I have highlighted this one little bit because I think it's very important for both of you to do this. For almost seven years, I felt like half of 'Louise and Mark'. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be Louise! Not to mention the fact that a 24 year old Louise will always be different to an 18 year old Louise!