On a break with bf - don't know what to do

DKLS

Sound like he is trying to summon up the courage to end the relationship as he isnt confused at all, he will know exactly what he wants, but is too cowardly to admit it and like a lot of men cannot sum up the courage to do the deed so hopes with his actions you will get the hint and end it yourself.

I would forget the month apart, meet in a neutral place asap, and discuss the relationship, Is it on or off?

If its off, move on and find someone who will treat you like the goddess you are.

BrownCow_2

But I've asked him is that what he's trying to do and he says he honestly isn't. In reality if he wanted to finish it he's had enough chances to do that (we've been having the exact same discussion about these matters for a little while now - its as if he's got himself into a hole and can't see a way out because everything's going round and round in his head) and he always says he doesn't know one way or the other - something needs to happen for him to realise which way to go and I just don't know what that something is - time apart maybe?

Pee

I hate the word partner - it sounds like a business relationship and is only really appropriate where a same sex couple are trying to be delicate. My boyfriend is just that, a term that means 100% commitment and monogamy to us.

Could you have a month apart, really apart, and then meet up in a prearranged way to do something you know he likes. Something like a nice dinner to talk about it. If it was my boyfriend, it would be a game of pool in a quiet pub. He likes pool, I like pool, previous girls in his life haven't, I would be looking my best - I don't do dressing up much. That should remind him why I'm special. I don't know what is special about you, but I do know that there is something. It might be cooking him his favourite dinner, a bottle of bubbly in a certain spot, having a bonfire.. whatever suits the two of you.

In the month apart you have a chance to find yourself and whilst upping and travelling is a great idea, if it isn't an option, maybe a weekend or a few days away, maybe camping or youth hostelling, maybe doing something you know he would want to do.

How do you feel about children?
If you really want children you still have time to meet someone else and do this, esp if you can follow Skintchick's example ;-). If you leave it a couple of years, it may take a while to find the right person...

If he inherited his house and it goes with the job, might he be concerned that if you move in completely you may get an interest in the house - unlikely - and business - even more unlikely? Is he concerned that this is what would happen if you got married - that if it was the wrong decision and he got divorced that he might lose his livelihood and an inherited one at that? Might there be other people around that think about this and are telling him horror stories of when this happened to other people? If this is the case, I think that is an understandable concern, and talking could solve that one.

Dinah93

BrownCow wrote: »

I don't want to be the one to contact him (apart from having to ask him to bring my stuff) but I'm scared if we're not in contact he'll forget - out of sight out of mind.

Hi Browncow

I'm sorry but if he 'forgets' how important your relationship is, then his heart isn't in it. I would think you're a lot more attractive to him as an independant woman who has her own interests and isn't making him feel claustrophobic than you are by being clingy.

I'm afraid I believe this can go one of two ways, either you give him space, he comes back to you certain this is what he wants, or this isn't going to happen. Even the most 'commitment phobic' people often discover actually its not a fear of a commitment, but not wanting to commit to a relationship thats only 90% of what they want when it comes down to it.

I'm really sorry, and I wish I could say I'm sure it will be alright, but a strong relationship is one where your other half makes your days joyous, they are your strength, your comfort, and you wake every morning elated to be with them. A successful relationship really isn't this much work.

BrownCow_2

Thanks for your replies
I'm going to keep busy, not manically busy, but have plenty to do so I don't mope too much :rolleyes:
I have two hen party weekends in the next month, which should help to take my mind off things a little.
One thing that's bugging me - is every relationship 100% perfect all of the time? I know they aren't but this seems to be what he wants. He says he's happy and content most days but sometimes isn't happy - isn't that what life is like or am I going crazy?

Primrose

Ten years is a long time to be together and I wonder why in this time your boyfriend has never wanted to commit and get married? Whilst you have felt happy in your relationship, presumably he hasn't, and may now feel that he has just been jogging along and it's become a habit, not necessarily a totally enjoyable one, that previously he's not be able to summon up the willpower to break. All relationships change and develop over time. This is natural and perhaps he feels there is no longer any excitement left in it, not realising that no relationship can continue to exist at the same level of excitement as in the early days. That is not to say that the same degree of love and commitment doesn't exist in those who are truly compatible. Perhaps you have always been the dominating partner and he has just rubbed along for a quiet life, unsure of what his real aspirations or expectations were from the relationship. From what you say it sounds as if the two of you have now run out of road together. Some time completely apart will give both of you time to rediscover yourselves as individuals. I suspect he just doesn't have the courage to tell you outright that it's over, in the same way that he never had the courage to commit to the permanance of marriage in the first place when you moved in together. However hard it is, try to sever the chord and move on. It is not good for your self-esteem to be left lingering in limbo as to whether he still wants you or not. If he did, he would still be with you. That will be hard to accept after 10 years, but if you try to start rebuilding your life without him you may discover most of your lost self that you never realised you had.

Threebabes

You have given him 10 years of your life and he shouldn't be treating like this. It must be really difficult but you deserve to be treat better than that and he is messing you about. I would have no contact with him and let him do the running. Big Hugs. x

Pee

Hang in there. The hen parties should be just what you need.

No, I don't think any relationship is 100% all of the time. And the only time I've heard someone say something different is in an outdated magazine I've reread after the split had been announced. (I'm thinking of Kate Winslet and the weather girl that used to go out with Lempik Opik.)

Most of the time I wake up happy or want to rush home from work to see my boyfriend, but sometimes, I'm tired or don't feel great or stressed with work or stressed with family - it isn't even anything he's done - and I don't feel joyous, I feel like I have a problem that needs to be worked through. I might want to talk to him, I might want his help, a hug might make me feel better - but he didn't create the problem and usually he can't solve the problem and right at that moment in time, I do forget how lucky I am to have him.

Logically if it were any other way, i wouldn't be dealing with my own problems and issues and well, just life really. I'd be living in some skippy cloud cuckoo land.

And ten years is a long time. We've been together three so to be fair there is probably a bit of the honeymoon period about it all.

MadMac_2

Well, I'm usually the one to say what a sod he is being, but I'm kind of trying to read your original post in a different way!

So how about this. Maybe you've just about had enough of him, rather than the other way around?

Gulp, I know, but is it just possible you've had enough of his dithering and general insecurity and you took the decision (subconsciously) to bring things to a head and then leave? It doesn't sound like he pushed you out of the door, but I'm guessing your departure from what you consider to be your home is not going to help his insecurity and uncertainty?

I reckon he has been doing a good job of burying his head in the sand for a few years now, denying to himself that he is in a long term, serious relationship, while actually living exactly that life.

Then you start to mention moving things on and he freaks! It is an OMG moment when the truth hits him, then dithering and general useless man syndrome follows. He pushes you and pushes you and finally you break. Enough is enough! He doesn't like this one bit and retreats even further, your actions saying to him 'you're not man enough for me' kind of thing?

So what do YOU really want? Do you want to go home - then go home and tell him 'this is my home, you're my partner, lets get on with it!' and take control - force the issue!

Or do you want a different, more confident man - then cut your losses, accept you want a change. Go hunting and fishing and have fun!

I wouldn't entertain this month off business at all. Separation will give him more chance to bury his head, you'll be no further along in a month I reckon.

Oh, I don't mean to sound harsh and sorry if I have put my foot in it, but I was just trying a different perspective perhaps, hun, as I think you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, x

Pee

Threebabes wrote: »

You have given him 10 years of your life and he shouldn't be treating like this. It must be really difficult but you deserve to be treat better than that and he is messing you about. I would have no contact with him and let him do the running. Big Hugs. x

You have given him? Should that be you have enjoyed ten years of your lives together.