On a break with bf - don't know what to do

BrownCow_2

Good morning
I'm a regular poster here but have created a new profile as I don't really want to be identified, hope that's OK.
I have been with my bf for a long time, over 10 years and I'm not 30 yet! He told me a few months ago that he was having doubts about our relationship, but at the time I wasn't strong enough to do anything, I don't want to go into the reasons why as it's complicated and I would be breaking someone else's confidence.
We carried on as normal but things would 'flare up' whenever I would suggest moving the relationship on in any little tiny way. This happened again last week and I moved out (just for a little while, I thought).
We've seen each other twice since then and both times I've been hoping against hope that he'll realise what he's throwing away. But he's still just as confused about what he wants. He really doesn't know if he wants to be with me or without me, and he doesn't actually know why. Why is it that I can see the future (and commitment etc) scare him and this is normal?
I just want this pain and hurt to go away.
We have decided to have some time apart, about a month, and for him to really try and work out what exactly he's scared of. I don't know whether no contact would be best (or as little contact as possible as most of my things are still at his house) or to contact him so he misses me (out of sight out of mind). He's told me he doesn't know which would be best either.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but I read some similar threads by other people yesterday and they made me feel a bit better. I know this situation isn't good and can't carry on. I'm trying to keep busy and get on with my life, but we've been together so long I think I've forgotten who I am a little bit.
Sorry for rambling!

gymfiend

Didn't want to read and run. Can't offer any great advice other than to try and keep your chin up, get our there with your friends, go to the gym, take up a hobby, just keep your mind occupied. I know how easy it is to let yourself slide back into old ways in a situation like this, so take time to yourself and really work out what you want, rather than waiting to hear what he wants, xx

ema_o

Hello
It is very hard when you have been with someone such a long time - I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

BrownCow wrote: »

I'm trying to keep busy and get on with my life, but we've been together so long I think I've forgotten who I am a little bit.

I think the bit about you having forgotten who you are speaks volumes. Sometimes we try and change to please someone else because we think that will make them happy, but the thing is they were attracted to us in the first place because of who we are. (I have been there too).

I expect you are a bit scared of being on your own after all this time, however remember that the break will give you a chance to figure out whether he is right for you as well as giving him space. I wouldn't advise no contact - but maybe agree what contact you will have eg talk on the phone once a week, meet for an hour for coffee - that will give you more of a chance to talk through what is going on than just carrying on as normal.

Hope this is of some help - sorry if any of it sounds a bit harsh xx

BrownCow_2

Thanks for your replies. I don't think you're being harsh at all.
I know that I need to keep busy and do things, and I do have a few busy weekends coming up so that should help. I've had these exact doubts he's having a few years ago and worked through them with professional help (long story) so it's very frustrating as it's just going round and round his head - he feels he can't really talk to anyone about this - :mad: men!
I'm scared about being on my own, yes, and I'm scared of feeling that I've been rejected. I don't have very high self esteem anyway so this isn't great for me.
My friends who do know are being great and offering to meet up and do things together. I thought I would be able to take my mind off things a bit in work but my boss (who I share an office with) has just phoned to say she may not be coming in today
We don't want everyone to know yet as we don't know ourselves what's going to happen, but I'm pathetically clinging on to every thing 'positive' he says as hope we have a future together.
We will have to be in contact to sort out getting my things from his house. I'm finding it very sad and quite difficult - he bought suitcases of my clothes for me last night.
I would like to phone each other once a week or something like that, but I really don't know if that will help to 'sort his head out' or make things worse

Pee

Previously have you talked about the future and commitment and what have his views been then?

I'd say either he is frightened of commitment, which may last for ever, not ready for commitment, which might be because either you are not the right person or this is just not the right time for him, or thinking about it and just scaring himself with the hugeness of making a complete commitment to you.

If it's the last, you need to give him time and patience and he should make the right decision.

If it's either of the first two, you need to decide whether commitment is important to you - sounds like it - and find someone who is able to give you this.

How do you tell the difference? I think that is a matter of looking at his previous behaviour, and maybe in other relationships although if you have been together 10 years, there may not have been any.

One of my very good male friends broke up with a lovely girl who he had been with for years, because he was scared of commitment and within 18 months was planning a wedding to a very spoilt, silly girl he hardly knew. I felt so sorry for the first girl, who seemed from the outside to be so supportive and right for him, and for the second in the long run, as they weren't well suited and the split was acrimonious.

BrownCow_2

Thanks Pee
I think it's the last one, but maybe I'm just an optimist!
The story about your friend really scares me, my stomach flipped reading that. The enormity of the future and 'this being it' scares him silly, and scares him so much he can't see any further than that right now.
He's an only child so is used to his own company so there's a strong possibility he may be totally happy on his own
Also, I know deep down that if we don't work out and he meets someone else, it may be wonderful to start but this will happen again - unless he sorts his head out now. I don't think I could cope with him seeing anyone else let alone planning a wedding!
He says it's time to sort his head out he needs, and it's me who's asked him to put a limit on the time because I would wait forever for him to decide, and I know I can't do that

bandraoi

Do you have financial/personal commitments?
Are you working? Can you take time off, even unpaid?

If I were you I would do my utmost to get some money together and travel for a few months, by yourself and with no contact with him.

Get away and get some perspective. You may find by the time you get back that you're the one who wants to split up.

junkanoo

So sorry to hear about what you have been going through.

I agree with ema, maybe you can take the time to find out what you want and need. Spend some time on yourself, pamper yourself, spend time with friends, assess your long term plans and goals. Also keeping the communication going is important. He needs to figure things out by himself, but the both of you need to work on the solutions to the issues. Remember though, no matter what the outcome is, you will be okay, you will get through it.

BrownCow_2

Thanks for your replies
I'm torn between keeping communication open and having no contact. I really don't know what would be best.
I don't want to be the one to contact him (apart from having to ask him to bring my stuff) but I'm scared if we're not in contact he'll forget - out of sight out of mind.
I thought I would like to phone every week, as I don't want to lose him, he's my best friend. But if we're still talking every week or whatever will he realise what he'll lose - absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I explained this to him last night and he said he doesn't know which approach will make him realise
I wish I wasn't me right now, I don't want this to be my life

Pssst

Move on with your life. If he doesnt contact you,so be it. time is a great healer.

skintchick

BrownCow wrote: »

Good morning
I'm a regular poster here but have created a new profile as I don't really want to be identified, hope that's OK.
I have been with my bf for a long time, over 10 years and I'm not 30 yet! He told me a few months ago that he was having doubts about our relationship, but at the time I wasn't strong enough to do anything, I don't want to go into the reasons why as it's complicated and I would be breaking someone else's confidence.
We carried on as normal but things would 'flare up' whenever I would suggest moving the relationship on in any little tiny way. This happened again last week and I moved out (just for a little while, I thought).
We've seen each other twice since then and both times I've been hoping against hope that he'll realise what he's throwing away. But he's still just as confused about what he wants. He really doesn't know if he wants to be with me or without me, and he doesn't actually know why. Why is it that I can see the future (and commitment etc) scare him and this is normal?
I just want this pain and hurt to go away.
We have decided to have some time apart, about a month, and for him to really try and work out what exactly he's scared of. I don't know whether no contact would be best (or as little contact as possible as most of my things are still at his house) or to contact him so he misses me (out of sight out of mind). He's told me he doesn't know which would be best either.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but I read some similar threads by other people yesterday and they made me feel a bit better. I know this situation isn't good and can't carry on. I'm trying to keep busy and get on with my life, but we've been together so long I think I've forgotten who I am a little bit.
Sorry for rambling!

I've highlighted the bits that stand out for me.

1 - You have been together over ten years yet you still call him your boyfriend? That makes it sound a fairly casual arrangement to me - is he not your partner?

2 - You got together young and may have grown apart. Perhaps this is his way of saying it is over without having the guts to say it outright.

3 - HIS house? Didn;t you live together? If so, isn;t it joint? Can you clarify whether you lived together or not as if you did and oyu still call it his house then that's another problem.

4 - He really doesn't know if he wants to be with me or without me, and he doesn't actually know why.
Again, I think he does know, but he doesn;t have the balls to say it and is wanting you to do it for him.

I'm sorry, but if this were me I'd have to walk away.

With hindsight, perhaps you have let it drift on too long? I would never have allowed a man to simply be a bf in a casual kind of way for so many years - not even for ten months! You have let him do what he wants and now he doesn;t want it any more.

I'm sorry if this is worng but I can only go on what you've said, and it sounds to me like he has decided it is over but isn;t mature enough to tell you.