On a break with bf - don't know what to do

MadMac_2

As I've said before, on here you sometimes have to take the rough with the smooth! It is only a very, very small minority who will make such arbitrary assumptions, please don't take it to heart.

So please reassure yourself that you will be fine whatever happens - of course you will be hurt if things don't work out, but that is by no means a certainty, this story might still have a happy ending you know!

Can I also just say that depression is an awful illness and your OH might benefit from going to see the doctor if he really is feeling low and unable to make decisions. That could answer a lot of what has been happening, you know.

Continue to keep yourself occupied and do things you enjoy - get out there and mingle and the month will go much quicker. The month isn't set in stone though, so do go with the flow and support him if he really is feeling that low, x

The_Banker_5

BrownCow wrote: »

Oh my goodness, that is not what I want or need to hear right now.
He has said that he does love me and has acted lovingly towards me over the time he's had doubts.
I think he is in a pit of depression and can't see any further than his own nose at the moment. He's unhappy with his career, situation in general and possibly sees our relationship as something he can change and maybe that will make him happy.
How can you say he doesn't love me when you don't know him or me? I just need to feel better right now. I'm feeling worse than I have ever felt in my whole life. Everything I thought I know has come crashing down and I feel I have just been kicked again, I'm shocked anyone could be so cruel.

Sorry, I don't mean to be personal.

I'm not looking for false hope, just some comfort that whatever happens things will be OK, I will be OK. I have just been told that the one person I've shared 1/3 of my life with doesn't love me he hasn't said that. I don't think things will be OK now, don't know what to say

Ok then if youre happy to be strung along then go for it.

I would never put up with that though.

The_Banker_5

Superboy123 wrote: »

OP clearly has low self esteem though, she cant actively walk away from him, which must be a very frustrating position to be in - she is at his mercy and knows it, and she'll do what ever it is he decides to do. She prob knows she sshould move on, but just cant bring her self to do it. she has my sympathy.

I do realise that but what is the point in beating around the bush. She needs to break free and find someone who will love her 100%. and not when it suits him.;)

BrownCow_2

What do you mean 'when it suits him'? He knows he has to work out what his feelings actually are. He says he's scared but doesn't know of what - commitment, the future, finality?? I'm the one who left and he's the one who wanted me to go back last week, and he's the one who's happy and pleased to hear from me.
I've got to communicate and check he's alright, that's just who I am, it makes me feel better that he's OK and working things out (he's not brilliant, I can tell and he's forgetting things which isn't like him - a lot on his mind?!)

The_Banker_5

BrownCow wrote: »

What do you mean 'when it suits him'? He knows he has to work out what his feelings actually are. He says he's scared but doesn't know of what - commitment, the future, finality?? I'm the one who left and he's the one who wanted me to go back last week, and he's the one who's happy and pleased to hear from me.
I've got to communicate and check he's alright, that's just who I am, it makes me feel better that he's OK and working things out (he's not brilliant, I can tell and he's forgetting things which isn't like him - a lot on his mind?!)

So what do you both want out of the relationship??? marriage????...kids???

roses

The_Banker wrote: »

So what do you both want out of the relationship??? marriage????...kids???

I think he wants out which is why he suggested the break.

Dinah93

BrownCow wrote: »

What do you mean 'when it suits him'? He knows he has to work out what his feelings actually are.

The_Banker was extremely blunt about it, and not what you want to hear, but essentially his/her statement would be right for 99% of relationships at this stage. If he doesn't know what his feelings are, he feels affection for you, not love. You can't mistake love, or not know if its there, its overriding, can't be without one another, will do anything to make their lives better.

I've had depression twice now, been on medication for over 2 years in total, it wasn't fun and I couldn't see the purpose in a lot of things. The one thing I remained grateful for were the people around me who loved me and wanted me to get better, I never doubted their love or my feelings for them.

It's horrible, but if he has to decide if this is enough/what he wants, then the answer is right there - it isn't. He might come back, you might go another few years, then this will happen again. And you'll be even more lost because now you'll have spent 1/2 or 2/5 of your life with one another, and be even more scared of it ending and having to discover who you are on your own.

See if he suggests going on some dates, if he doesn't this should tell you something. Please try to give yourself a little power in your future, you were unhappy and strong in walking out, don't let him dictate the terms for the future if you get back together.

MissShoes

Hi BrownCow,

sorry you're going through this- make sure you look after yourself properly as best you can.

My gut says that his lack of decision is a decision in itself. When I've been in similar situations on both sides of the fence (admittedly not in 10 year relationship), I have always realised that it's over. I think if he wants you, he would spend a couple of weeks without you before making the decision that he wants to be with you. Surely, you don't want someone who can be away from you in this way for so long?

Another poster said something about their friend who was in this position and they went off and did what they wanted uni courses, out with friends, looking after themselves. She didn't call her man and after a short amount of time he saw her looking after herself/moving on without him and they got back together and married.

Why don't you do this? I think calling/emailing/texting is a BAD idea- you're not allowing complete space between you. If I were you I'd stop calling and after a few days, maybe a week he'll be calling you and the tables will have turned.

I'm not suggesting you're coming off this way but desperation is not attractive. One of my friends was on a break with her bf and would call/text/say how much she loved him/try to meet up/make it clear she would jump at the chance to be with him whenever etc... Needless to say, he went off. Make yourself more aloof/difficult to get hold of/less available.

Hope this is ok, no offence intended but waiting for a month then asking him for dates is dangerous territory and I wonder if you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

Loves Shoes xx

Odette

I think, by the sounds of it, its probably time to concentrate on yourself at the moment. I broke up with a LT partner (5 years) in November and it was the biggest kick up the but I ever had, since then I have done so many things I would never have dreamed of doing when I was with him and eventually realised he was holding me back.
Six months later, Im with a new man and I couldnt be happier.

So, why dont you go out and just focus on yourself? Some of your posts seem to show you are quite nurturing towards him, almost motherly. Remember hes a man and by the sounds of it, you deserve a break

Just my opinion.

Pee

Have you thought of anything different to do, or pampering for yourself , whilst this break is happening?