On a break with bf - don't know what to do

BrownCow_2

I wouldn't say I'm hanging on exactly. Just leaving things be.
You wouldn't believe how much better I'm feeling than when I started this thread!
I'm weighing up whether I even want to be with him

Dinah93

So chuffed for you, starting to value yourself and gain an objective perspective.

hieveryone

BrownCow wrote: »

Thanks for your replies and message. 22 months! Wow!
I'm feeling much stronger in myself although I do have bad moments too. We're both communicating a lot more, he's been phoning me and he came round. Had a few chats and he says he's feeling much clearer and not so panicked but hasn't made a decision yet one way or another!
TBH something has happened that has bought us together (too complicated to go into) and things are good at the moment. I'm actually enjoying our time apart!
Life goes on...

Brown Cow... I'll be honest.. and it's not meant as nastiness or spitefulness, but the parts highlighted just scream contradictions all over the place. You say you're feeling 'stronger', yet this strong feeling is only because he has been phoning you and came round. I highly doubt if you would feel so 'strong' if he had left you alone.

Whether or not 'something has happened' to bring you together (which, I think is one of those 'oh, but it's fate' type scenarios, no offence) the fact still remains that the relationship isn't going well, and a disaster or some other situation bringing you together is only going to be a temporary measure.

If you can get yourself to a Waterstones or Borders have a leaf through the self help books there, they really are fab. I thought they seemed harsh at first with the 'standards' that a woman should have, but then I realised they only seem harsh because they are perhaps so far removed from what I am used to. For example: There is hardly an excuse plausible for a guy not calling you when he says he will. A guy cannot 'forget' to call you if he wants to be with you, he simply chooses not to.

To be honest if some guy told me he 'hadn't made a decision' about what he wanted to do with our relationship I think I'd slap him in the face. That's the decision right there, the very fact that he 'doesn't know'. Cut him loose, you don't need this dead weight. Do you really want to be with someone who has to um and ah about whether he wants you? Remember Ross in Friends when he made a positive and negative list?

A break is not a break, it's the starter to the main course - break up. And dessert is sweet freedom and the chance to find someone better

miss_edith

hieveryone wrote: »

And just found out today, the average and most likely time someone will propose to you is after 22 months! And if they haven't done it after 7, chances decline dramatically...! Was pretty shocked at those stats!

22 months! That's a bit scary!
I'm going to a wedding at the weekend of a couple who have been together 15 years. He didn't propose until year 14 and that's worked perfectly well for them.

Dinah93

Have to say if I was wanting to get married 22 months would be towards the upper limit of how long I would stick around - if you don't know if someone is right for you by then you're not ever going to know!

Gavin83

hieveryone wrote: »

And just found out today, the average and most likely time someone will propose to you is after 22 months! And if they haven't done it after 7, chances decline dramatically...! Was pretty shocked at those stats!

What did you find shocking about them?

hieveryone wrote: »

A break is not a break, it's the starter to the main course - break up. And dessert is sweet freedom and the chance to find someone better

Not necessarily, I know of a number of relationships which have gone on a break only for them to be successful afterwards. A break doesn't always mean it won't work. I think it's fairly obvious to both parties if the relationship has any future though.

Dinah93 wrote: »

Have to say if I was wanting to get married 22 months would be towards the upper limit of how long I would stick around - if you don't know if someone is right for you by then you're not ever going to know!

Really? Thats probably my lower limit. I wouldn't dream of marrying someone within a few years of my relationship starting, I don't really think you know if you'll be compatible in the long term until after a good few years. I've had relationships last longer than 2 years and then end and it would be have been much harder if I was already married to them.

If a girl told me she'd want to marry me within 2 years I'd probably end it.

hieveryone

Gavin, with all due respect... I was trying to help the OP out and offer some information, not to be cross examined by another poster

But in answer to your question, I was pretty shocked that 18-22 mnths is the 'normal' timescale for someone to get engaged/married as I thought that was a pretty short timescale. But hey, who am I to argue with statistics?

And in the majority of cases, a break does signal a break-up at some point in the future. Someone always has a story about how it did work out for their friend and so and so, which I believe gives people false hope that 'yes, it can work for me and my partner'. If a partner is on a break with you because they aren't sure if they want to be with you, that is certainly a start of a break-up, no two ways about it, unless you have such low self esteem that you are willing to go back to someone who kept you hanging around for a while.

Gavin83

Im not cross examining you, just curious about a few things you wrote. I agree with you, 22 months does seem like a short space of time, I was just wondering what shocked you about them.

I don't really think it's false hope stating that theres a possibility a relationship can continue after a break. I know of more relationships that have been successful after a break than those who have had a break, got back together a failed but I respect it's not the case for all relationships and it's individual to each case. Only the 2 people in the relationship know if theres any chance it'll work, regardless of the circumstances.

Dinah93

Gavin83 wrote: »

Really? Thats probably my lower limit. I wouldn't dream of marrying someone within a few years of my relationship starting, I don't really think you know if you'll be compatible in the long term until after a good few years. I've had relationships last longer than 2 years and then end and it would be have been much harder if I was already married to them.

I used to think like this, then I met my OH and I knew within a week this man was everything I wanted. Luckily he felt the same! It was a lightening bolt to say the least, that actually for us time would do nothing to get to know someone. You know very quickly if someone is a good person deep down, what their priorities are, if you enjoy the same things/sense of humour, how much give and take you both are willing to have and so on. I've also had relationships last longer than two years and end, but then they weren't the right relationships. There was always something not right I hoped would sort out, whereas now I've got someone who just is right, no negotiations required!

I don't actually know a single divorced person, and only one couple I would describe as unhappy. However around half of my friends are Christians, and I do think that that gives a lot of strength of character, so there is no hiding who you are, which makes for a much easier journey in finding out about the other person. Also if bumps arise there is a really strong network in the church to work on those before they become real problems.

MinnieMoo_2

I've just been/am going through this same crapola situation, brown cow.
This man is manipulating you, pure and simple. He is playing you for a silly and you are grateful to every word he says to you because you are habituated to his presence.
Yes its scary being on your own but so so much better.
My ex took the car, for me that means no job becuase there is no transport where I live, left me having to find another place to live because he terminated the tenancy and went back to one bed HA flat. I couldn't afford to carry on renting the place on my own.
So £5.5K for a car, nearly £2K to move and then he has the cheek to tell my friends that I am a totally unique person; he loved me more than his wife; blah blah blah.
12 weeks on, I am better on my own and I can see that. Despite the pain, tears, hurt, obsessional thinking and trying to understand where he's coming from. Your bloke doesn't know, so how can you begin to understand or analyze his behaviour??
You will be better too.
Cut all contact. If he doesn't know anything regarding you, then let him not know anything. tell your friends to tell him nothing and also not to tell you if he contacts them. Tell your boss the situation. Then get yourself into therapy.
The person has done more damage to you than you realise. Don't allow him to do any more.
take care.