Mum's being pushed into making a will

Money_maker

Absolutely agree with wise fool. Now knowing about the gap of 27 years in your relationship with your mother puts a whole new light on it. If she made no attempt to contact you at all (they did have royal mail and telephones in 1981) then I can't really understand how you can go from virtual stranger to her carer whilst coping with the emotional rejection as a child.

You say you were 'denied' your mother but have you ever spoken to her about it one to one to discover what the real reasons were or are you speculating based on what she said whilst in the presence of her husband?

TBH, you are probably more of a stranger to her than her stepson (no offence intended) so would agree that backing off is the best idea - he can organise care for her.

TC

Tiger_greeneyes

wise_fool wrote: »

Ok thank you for your reply.

I think I can see where they might be coming from now. Your mother acts treacherously and you (don't know where your brother fits in exactly) stay to look after your father. I looked after my brother, too. I left school at 14 to do all this. Once the child benefit ran out, I went to live in a squat for a year until I could find a job to support myself. Obviously being so ill, my Dad was struggling for money to keep the three of us together. My Mum's nursing wages (before she left) allowed us to make ends meet.

For whatever reason, a lengthy period of time in which there was no contact with your mother. You could have tried to contact/visit them but perhaps you didn't want to. I did visit. I visited a fair few times in fact. Bearing in mind I was 14, caring for a severely disabled man and a younger brother, had no money etc, I think I did very well to manage all the running I did. My Mum came to visit me once. She sat in my stepfathers car down the end of our road and gave me a bundle of black sacks. My brief was to fill them with the rest of her belongings. I got an ice cream for my troubles (I binned it) and they drove off as soon as the boot was loaded. After a while I wondered why I bothered to visit as nobody made the effort to visit me. As well as my house and caring duties, I was working full time in a cash in hand job (really rubbish pay) at 14 (told them I was 16) just so I could afford coach travel. I was stretched pretty thin and emotionally screwed.

They might have thought that you had 'taken sides/disowned mum'. This happens a lot when parents split up. Mum knows this wasn't the case. She told me and my brother that she was coming back to get us after a couple of months of leaving - we were so terrified of her leaving that we said nothing to our Dad - which was part of the conditions of her coming back to get us.

Maybe the house belonged to stepfather originally and with the above factors that was why it was earmarked for stepson. I can see where you're coming from but Mum and SF had a petrol station (which went bust) and then a small DIY shop - which went the same way. They didn't have a penny left. They had to start again from scratch. Basically, they started off with nothing - therefore surely that means they built it up together, 50/50

Perhaps they were suspicious of your motives for your appearance on the scene after many years? That's flawed though. It was Mum who contacted me, not the other way around. I could see their point if I'd suddenly come back on the scene. Frankly, I think my Mum's motives were more questionable - stepfather had been diagnosed with asbestosis and emphysema. Mum knew full well she couldn't rely on her stepson. I've always been a soft touch though.

This is a tricky one. If your motives were good, then I feel you are being treated a bit harshly. Also we don't know if your mother made any attempts over the years to contact you in which you rebuffed her for doing what she did to your dad. If your mother was so open with you when you were a kid, my guess is she would have felt guilty and may have tried to retain contact. No, no rebuffing. I was terrified of Mum as a kid. I can't go into it but she had a violent temper. Just after Mum had left, Dad's brothers/sisters/their OH's were waiting for me to come home from school one day. I walked into the living room and one of the three sisters jumped up, poked her finger in my face and screamed that it was all my fault that my Mum had left. I looked around the room, saw all these people glaring at me and I ran off. I know why my auntie did what she did - she was having an affair too, she and Mum used to have 'girls nights out' every Wednesday. They used to meet for coffee in town and then go off with their respective blokes. As Mum had confided in me, I knew of my aunt's affair. I wouldn't have said anything about the affair, but she didn't know that, she obviously felt she had to get in first so whatever I said after that would be classed as me 'just wanting to cause trouble'. That's my theory, anyway.

Maybe she did brutally cut off all contact and you did try to stay in touch. In which case I would never have forgiven her. I don't think I'll ever properly forgive her: I've always been desperate to have my Mum love me though. I know, I'm a complete idiot at times but nobody can choose how to feel, not if they want to be honest with themselves.

Whatever has happened, after all these years I wouldn't personally have gone and done all the things you did for them to the detriment of your own health and family. Things just creep in bit by bit really - the odd grocery shopping trip when SF was too poorly to drive, the odd trip to the dr - these things just add up. Mum had a hip replacement in January and was in hospital for weeks and weeks with all manner of awful complications. I couldn't just let her get on with it when she was discharged, again my own fault really I guess.

I think you should take a step back and let your mother see how much this step son cares for her. If she has got a mind of her own she can judge for herself what is the right thing to do. Maybe leaving the house to the cats' home is what she will do. That's where I am now.

You say you don't care about the house and I am not altogether convinced. It seems to me you loathe the stepbrother and you resent him inheriting the house. Perhaps your mother is extremely manipulative and is testing you all out. I don't give a flying duck about the house. Frankly, with all the history that's gone on, it would repulse me, it's tainted. Nothing will ever make up for how me and my brother have been treated. Ever. The best I can hope for is a good, honest, open relationship with my Mum - for my own sake if nothing else. I don't resent the stepbrother per se, just the way my stepfather kept Mum from us and loathing the stepbrother has only come recently because he's encouraging my Mother to cut me and my brother out. After all that's gone on - from 1981 until now, all the knives I've had to pull out of my back have finally made me snap and get tougher with it all. My stepbrother has only bothered with Mum since his dad died intestate. Why didn't he question my/my brothers motives until now? Why not 5 years ago when Mum first wrote to me? I know it's a harsh old world but that doesn't mean to say that I can't loathe the ****** for trying to manipulate my Mum. She's an old lady. It's not right and I couldn't sit back and let that sort of thing happen to anyone. I'm not a tedious moral crusader by any stretch of the imagination but my blood boils when I see people being taken advantage of.

This is a peculiar (yet fascinating) story to me and I still feel there may be more twists and turns. If your stepfather managed the finances and felt so strongly about looking after his son (and not you) why on earth didn't he make a Will? He must/should have known what would happen if he didn't. And ditto your mother. If she can't get out the house there are plenty of solicitors and will writers that will come round to the house.

Do the right thing for you and your family tiger green eyes - health and happiness is way more important than money. What goes around comes around.

Yup, I'm with you there.

cbrown372

I take it you didn't apply for the carers' allowance back in November when you started caring for your mother which must have been when your stepfather was alive?

margaretclare

'She's an old lady'....she's not as old as all that. She's only my age, 74.

However, I have often noticed that people can become very disabled and appear to be very dependent, but they still retain the capability of manipulating those around them and even if they can't use anything else, can use their tongue to good effect.

Tiger_greeneyes

cbrown372 wrote: »

I take it you didn't apply for the carers' allowance back in November when you started caring for your mother which must have been when your stepfather was alive?

No. Maybe I should have done but I didn't. It was only initially going to be for a couple of weeks until Mum was back on her feet.

Tiger_greeneyes

margaretclare wrote: »

'She's an old lady'....she's not as old as all that. She's only my age, 74.

However, I have often noticed that people can become very disabled and appear to be very dependent, but they still retain the capability of manipulating those around them and even if they can't use anything else, can use their tongue to good effect.

Some people can be healthy and old and some unhealthy and young. Them's the breaks. None of my family are reknowned for their health - or longevity I'm afraid

margaretclare

A lot of it is down to attitude of mind, not necessarily disabilities.

Mine is not a long-lived family either. You come to the realisation that life is just too darned short and must be lived to the utmost. Also, value the people around you, because they too may not be there for ever.

furndire

I really feel for you. Your mum is certainly pulling your strings. Its possible that she is doing the same to your stepbrother (although he sounds a right b). Unfortunatley you don't know what she has been saying about you to him either - maybe saying "why has she got in touch after all this time - not saying to him that it was her who got in touch with you!!!"

Tiger_greeneyes

furndire wrote: »

I really feel for you. Your mum is certainly pulling your strings. Its possible that she is doing the same to your stepbrother (although he sounds a right b). Unfortunatley you don't know what she has been saying about you to him either - maybe saying "why has she got in touch after all this time - not saying to him that it was her who got in touch with you!!!"

Both Mum and my stepfather have told me on many many occasions how badly my stepbrother has treated them. He's had countless thousands of pounds from them over the years but never paid back a penny, he's only ever visited when he's wanted money - that's not often (2-3 times a year) but he makes sure each visit is well worth his while (he only lives ten miles away), he's not given a monkeys whether they're too poorly to get any food in and frankly, if I'd not been there to care for his father for those few weeks when Mum was very poorly in hospital, he'd have not seen anyone and he'd have fretted so badly and literally starved to death - and nobody would have known. To answer your statement - I mentioned to Mum that the stepbrother doesn't deserve a penny and that I'd rather see her leave her house to her favourite charities. I now know Mum's imparted that to my stepbrother. I don't think Mum's playing games per se, she's just inappropriate. It's the steps who are playing games.

For instance, the phone call that Mum asked me to make to my stepbrother asking if he could rearrange the appointment time - he yelled at me that Mum should change her essential hospital appointment, that it's nothing to do with me etc etc for about five minutes. Of course I got upset, who wouldn't? Mum mentioned to the steps that the way he'd treated me had upset me - and then Mrs step told Mum that "there's always someone like her [me] in a family" - as if my stepbrother had every right to scream at me without me getting upset. They play games with people and then try to make the people they've hurt sound irrational and not good enough for their clique

I know what you mean but no, Mum definitely wouldn't have said that because she's fully aware that she contacted me. They've said it to her though, but not until my stepfather died. Why they didn't mention me coming on the scene five years ago and didn't bother until last month is very odd. It's also odd that they started picking at me and my 'dishonourable intentions' when they found out his dad died intestate. Mum's never been quick with words and if someone gives her a feasible explanation of something then she's happy to roll with it. That's what's happened here.

It all boils down to the fact that they don't want me in my Mum's life because I'm a threat to them - they know that if Mum doesn't make a will then her estate will go to her children. Once the will's written and they know 'their' money is safe they'll revert to not giving a toss about Mum's welfare and Mum's and my relationship. They'll stop bringing it up with her every time they speak (mrs step has again contacted Mum to make sure she 'hadn't forgotten' to make the will :rolleyes:) and they'll stop putting the boot in where me and my brother are concerned.

I'm not neurotic, nor am I paranoid - well maybe a little but I think most people in my situation probably would be when people are trying to pressure someone they cared about into writing a will. If Mum wants to leave him the house then that's her lookout, my own opinion is that her favourite charity would be far more worthy. I'm only taking umbrage because of the way the steps have been selfishly manipulating Mum in a way that could potentially ruin her relationship with me, my brother and her grandchildren because of their desperation to secure Mum's property for themselves.

Call me old fashioned, but shouldn't my stepbrother be grieving instead of hassling a vulnerable widow into leaving him her house?

chesky369

......shouldn't my stepbrother be grieving ......

Since you and your stepbrother don't exactly share cosy conversations, I think it's probably difficult for you to know precisely what his feelings are. You've only your mother's word and I'm beginning to doubt her total veracity.