Mum's being pushed into making a will

Tiger_greeneyes

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You may not do mind games, but it sounds as if others do.

Unless there's a good reason for mum not making phone calls herself, I'd let her make her own calls. Tell her you're not willing to speak to someone who can't speak politely to you.

And, frankly, that might include her. Did I suggest early on that YOU might be entitled to an assessment of YOUR needs as your mum's carer, from Social Services? In fact you might be entitled to say "I can't do this any more, please arrange your own care, I will come and see you as your daughter. If you don't wish me to do that, do feel free to say so."

I have several siblings, and we find that our parents start taking for granted that one or other of us will do things that they can quite well do for themselves. The more we do, the more they expect. When we start to say "Sorry, that's not possible" then the relationships become easier.

I said that to Mum as soon as I put the phone down, SS I told her I didn't want to call in the first place but she was determined that she was going to get stepbrother to like me. I knew it wasn't going to happen (not after 32 years of being blanked) but I went along with it for her sake - it was the day after she lost her husband and I thought it would be easier on her.

I completely agree with the rest of your post, too. I'm saying no can do now. The steps offered their help to Mum "anytime" - so I told Mum she could take them up on it because my health is suffering - I'm in much more pain than usual. They now have to take her shopping twice a week, there's two whole afternoons walking around Lidl and Co-op I don't have to do, not for a while - and never again with any luck I'll do what the steps do, just turn up for a visit. I'm not having the p ripped out of me any longer.

Tiger_greeneyes

chesky369 wrote: »

I think you need to step back from the situation. Your mother is manipulating both you and your step brother. You say you are her carer but that you are disabled and probably need some care yourself. Do you live with your mother - cannot remember now if you said before. It strikes me you should talk about the situation with friends or partner. And are you still close to your brother?

Sometimes, I hate families.

I have stepped back as of today Chesky. Mum took it personally at first - asking if I was "giving up on her". I said no, I just need some time out of all the aggro and to try to get back on top of my illness again, I was grinding myself into the ground just making sure everyone else was ok, I have to put some of the blame on myself. Anyway, Mum now understands where I'm coming from regarding my health worries. It took me 1 3/4 hours on the phone but I got there eventually.

I have an horrendous headache

Money_maker

Hmm, still seems very strange. She is going to leave her main asset to her step-son who does nothing for her and provides no support (emotional or physical) purely because this is her dead husbands wish?

Yet you and your brother are her blood relatives, have good relationship with her, care for and support her, but are worthy of only a slight acknowledgement in her will?

I know its all up to her but if she was feeling pressurized, she should have perhaps thought of a charity donation as previously mentioned by other posters. I know of an old lady who is well supported by one son, the other chooses to belittle her, call her a liar and shouts at her until she is in tears. She wont change her will as she doesn't want to cause ill feeling between the brothers. They dont get on that well anyway, reckon once she's gone they'll drift apart. Another lady has left everything to her 'cold emotionless' daughter (her words) despite her son in law acting as her carer and going over and above the call of duty.

You can't take it with you and lets face it, once you're dead its not your problem anymore.

wise_fool

Hello Tiger Greeneyes,

This is not making sense to me, so please could you furnish us with some more information to help us out.

• Your mother left your father for his best mate right? When was this? When did you start looking after your stepfather and mother?
• What kind of relationship have you and your brother had with your mother and stepfather over the years?
• Why have you not spoken to your step brother for 32 years?
• Who did the house belong to? (ie was it your stepfather's or was it in joint names?)
• Why was your father so adamant that the house should go to the stepson?
• Why are you deemed an 'outsider'?
• Why does your mother want to leave the house to the stepson when she herself has been disinherited by her father remarrying?
• Does your mother have a proper understanding of what's going on - as you say she is 'vulnerable'?

Sorry so many questions - but the answers to these would fill in a lot of gaps.

Thriftysaver

Hi Tiger Greeneyes,

Sorry for what you are going through. If it were me I would hope she didn't 'get round' to doing a will and then so long as she survives her spouse for 28 days then the estate upon her death passes to her heirs, being you and your brother. If you and your brother are not around then it passes to your children and then your mother's siblings. Your step brother may argue through probate but the general rule of thumb is if he is a dependent then he can claim for a share but he clearly isn't.
Maybe, and forgive me this is going to sound horrible, but it sounds like your mother was probably a victim of domestic abuse and as it is such as short time since his death she is still in 'that world'. As time goes on she may 'realise' the freedom that she is having now is permanent and make up her own mind about how her life really was. Rose coloured glasses etc.

Over time her own personality will shine through and if she leaves her estate to the stepson then I feel really sad for you. Either way, don't get youself stressed and encourage your mum to be herself and enjoy what time she has left. Just maybe then your mum will do what is right.

All the best. Take care

Thriftysaver

margaretclare

Chesky's words a few posts back rang several loud bells with me: 'Sometimes I hate families'.

Oh God, so do I.

The things that have happened within my own family, I don't even want to remember. Actually, I don't remember. I haven't got the kind of mind that can bear grudges, that isn't in my make-up, it isn't even in my side of the family. I know where it does come from...

I have more or less followed in DH's path over recent years. His own family of origin was very intrusive and controlling in the guise of being 'warm and caring' and he managed to extricate himself many years ago. The 'betrayal' as they saw it was him marrying a woman of a different religion and his bro complained that he 'couldn't have come to our wedding because it was in a church'.

So, nowadays if people want to know us, to get in touch and be friendly, fine. Anyone who does not, it's their loss not ours.

This whole thing about inheritance is something that has always bugged me. In the early days of my first marriage I was told about 'things that hadn't been fair', my MIL hadn't had what was due to her because of being female, others had had more than their due 'and if we see them in the town we don't speak to them'. Young as I was then, I made it quite clear that I would not refuse to acknowledge people because of grievances from a generation ago that were nothing to do with me. I said then 'I'm glad that no one in my family has anything to leave and I hope I never shall have myself. It causes too much trouble and life is too short'.

You can be sure, those words did not endear me to MIL! I've always thought the same, although of course now, many of us who never envisaged having anything much to leave behind have, 50 years on, got what could be called an 'inheritance' for someone else. Owning your own home, for instance, was uncommon then, now it's considered the norm. Even if the house is all you have to leave it can be squabbled over acrimoniously, as in this case.

However, an inheritance only exists when someone is dead, not until. Up to then it belongs to the person herself/himself and if that person chooses to leave it to a charity of choice, to one person, split between 5 people, whatever, it is no one else's business at all.

I agree with those who said 'step back, get on with your own life, if your Mum can do this to you then let her get on with it'.

Tiger_greeneyes

margaretclare wrote: »

However, an inheritance only exists when someone is dead, not until. Up to then it belongs to the person herself/himself and if that person chooses to leave it to a charity of choice, to one person, split between 5 people, whatever, it is no one else's business at all.

I agree with those who said 'step back, get on with your own life, if your Mum can do this to you then let her get on with it'.

I completely agree Margaretclare. I have stepped back from it and I plan to distance myself as much as I can, at least for the time being while I'm still feeling so fundamentally insulted.

wise fool
Hello Tiger Greeneyes,

This is not making sense to me, so please could you furnish us with some more information to help us out.

* Your mother left your father for his best mate right? When was this? When did you start looking after your stepfather and mother?

Correct. 1981 - I was 14. Mum finally decided to contact me 5 years ago. I had no idea where they were living. It turned out they were living down the road from my stepbrother all the time - about 150 miles away from where me and my brother were living. My stepbrother is 15 years older than me. I immediately became carer to my badly disabled father at 14, missed out on a lot of my childhood (the affair started when I was 9) because I was pretty much a pawn in the whole sorry saga. I began caring for Mum and stepfather quite soon into the renewed relationship.

* What kind of relationship have you and your brother had with your mother and stepfather over the years?

We weren't allowed to have a relationship with Mum for about 27 years. Stepfather was the only person who could drive and they maintain they didn't have enough money to allow Mum to visit us. Mum was 'scared' of bumping into my Dad, not that she had to, we could have met her in town. Nonetheless, it didn't happen.

* Why have you not spoken to your step brother for 32 years?

I have spoken to him, he hasn't once acknowledged me. He babysat for me and my brother when we were 10 & 9 and he didn't even speak to us then, he completely ignored us.

* Who did the house belong to? (ie was it your stepfather's or was it in joint names?)

Joint names - Mum and stepfather.

* Why was your father so adamant that the house should go to the stepson?

He spoiled and indulged his son all his life. My stepfather called his son the light of his life, the apple of his eye etc every time he mentioned his son.

* Why are you deemed an 'outsider'?

Ah, as termed by my stepbrother's wife most recently but that came from my stepfather, initially. I don't know why, I wasn't born into their family, not a 'member'.

* Why does your mother want to leave the house to the stepson when she herself has been disinherited by her father remarrying?

My stepfather made her promise to leave the house to his son. Mum told me her loyalty rests with her husband.

* Does your mother have a proper understanding of what's going on - as you say she is 'vulnerable'?

She's vulnerable physically yes, she's not lost any marbles - quite the contrary.

Sorry so many questions - but the answers to these would fill in a lot of gaps.

S'ok. It's complicated as these things generally are. Hope the above makes sense?

Tiger_greeneyes

I just want to recap for the benefit of everyone - I'm not bothered about money or property - I've been denied my mother for a very long time because my stepfather (and I hate to say this) meant more to her than her own kids did. Their affair started when I was very young and he was all she could think about (I know this because she used to confide in me when I was a child - I was also privvy to her contraception methods - yuk).

When Mum contacted me five years ago, it took me 6 months of agonising whether I should reply to her letter because of the way she'd allowed our stepfather to whisk her away and cut off me and my brother for best part of 30 years.

All this business now has reaffirmed to me how much (or little, more to the point) my Mum has thought of me and my brother. My stepbrother is having her house, and whatever is left over (not alot - £5k or so - is to be divided between me and my brother and my stepson's three kids. I told Mum not to bother with my share, I'd rather her own grandchildren think they were thought about. Personally, I'd rather not be lumped in with someone elses grandchildren by way of importance. I know my brother will feel the same about this matter. We might not have been loved but we still have a little pride left.

wise_fool

Ok thank you for your reply.

I think I can see where they might be coming from now. Your mother acts treacherously and you (don't know where your brother fits in exactly) stay to look after your father.

For whatever reason, a lengthy period of time in which there was no contact with your mother. You could have tried to contact/visit them but perhaps you didn't want to.

They might have thought that you had 'taken sides/disowned mum'. This happens a lot when parents split up.

Maybe the house belonged to stepfather originally and with the above factors that was why it was earmarked for stepson.

Perhaps they were suspicious of your motives for your appearance on the scene after many years?

This is a tricky one. If your motives were good, then I feel you are being treated a bit harshly. Also we don't know if your mother made any attempts over the years to contact you in which you rebuffed her for doing what she did to your dad. If your mother was so open with you when you were a kid, my guess is she would have felt guilty and may have tried to retain contact.

Maybe she did brutally cut off all contact and you did try to stay in touch. In which case I would never have forgiven her.

Whatever has happened, after all these years I wouldn't personally have gone and done all the things you did for them to the detriment of your own health and family.

I think you should take a step back and let your mother see how much this step son cares for her. If she has got a mind of her own she can judge for herself what is the right thing to do. Maybe leaving the house to the cats' home is what she will do.

You say you don't care about the house and I am not altogether convinced. It seems to me you loathe the stepbrother and you resent him inheriting the house. Perhaps your mother is extremely manipulative and is testing you all out.

This is a peculiar (yet fascinating) story to me and I still feel there may be more twists and turns. If your stepfather managed the finances and felt so strongly about looking after his son (and not you) why on earth didn't he make a Will? He must/should have known what would happen if he didn't. And ditto your mother. If she can't get out the house there are plenty of solicitors and will writers that will come round to the house.

Do the right thing for you and your family tiger green eyes - health and happiness is way more important than money. What goes around comes around.

chesky369

I'm not surprised that your stepbrother doesn't think much of you, to be honest. Not your fault of course. But he sees your mother waltz in having left behind a teenage son and daughter who he used to babysit. Then his father actually does the right thing by leaving your mother the house (by not making a will). Your mother, having secured your services as a carer, now starts playing off you against your step-brother with neither of you knowing whether what she says is actually true.

I'd tell the lot of them to go hang and start living my own life.