Childminder hit my child

noodledoodle78

Hoping you can offer some advice/ opinions on this one....

My DS 3 goes to a childminder fulltime and has done so since he was four months old. He seems to adore her and vice versa.

I went to pick my ds up after work from my parents who collect him from the childminder every day. They told me that my ds had run away from the childminder whilst out shopping. He seemed really unhappy and kept saying "**** smacked my bum. I am not a bad boy mummy I am a good boy. " I must admit I dismissed it out of hand that she had smacked him and was just concerned that he was safe and OK.

When I got home I spoke to my OH and we agreed that we would phone the childminder and find out what had happened. I was a bit annoyed that she had not contacted me herself to let me know what had happened.

She told me that on Friday they were in a shopping centre with the childminder's mum and my ds "ran away". They were in M&S and he was hiding under the clothes rails as apparently he normally does. Only this time he did not come out. Apparently they spent about 10 minutes racing around trying to find him. They eventually got hold of a security guard and the whole shopping centre was about to be locked down when they found him on one of the rides in the main mall. They had told him he would be allowed on the ride after they had done their shopping and it seems he just wandered off.

She admitted straight away that she smacked him as she was so worried and upset when he had gone missing and wanted to make sure he understood the seriousness of what he had done. She said she treats him as one of her own and that is what she would have done with her own children. She said she would probably get the sack for admitting this in a joking way.

I told her I understood why she did it as I didn't know what else to say.

I can understand that both the CM and her mum were frantic with worry but my OH is adamant that she should not have smacked him. It was not her decision to make.

What worries me is that there have been a number of times previously when my ds has told me that he has been smacked. I understand that kids can make things up - I had previously dismissed this when he had told me, but after Friday I am wondering whether or not this may have happened before. I am not for one minute suggesting she is constantly abusing - I just think she may be using this as a form of punishment if he is naughty.

I brought him to the childminder today and she just shrugged off what had happened. My DS was really unhappy to be there and kept telling me tha the childminder was a naughty girl. I have told him that no-one is allowed to smack him and he must tell me if it happens and to tell the childminder that she is not allowed to smack him.

What do you think?

Zazen999

noodledoodle78 wrote: »

I brought him to the childminder today and she just shrugged off what had happened. My DS was really unhappy to be there and kept telling me tha the childminder was a naughty girl. I have told him that no-one is allowed to smack him and he must tell me if it happens and to tell the childminder that she is not allowed to smack him.

What do you think?

Didn't you tell her not to smack him? If you've not specified this after she had had the discussion then you are giving her the go ahead to do so.

Don't you parents have these sorts of discussions when you give your children away to other people to look after?

mrcow

I think it sounds like he was being a very naughty boy. If I were her, I wouldn't want to look after him again. I wouldn't want the responsibilty of a kid who runs off like that.

I would tell her that she's never to let him go on the rides again and tell him that he's never going on them either and why that is.

I would also tell him that as he runs off like a baby, then from now on, he sits in a pram like a baby when he goes out as he can't be trusted to behave.

fernliebee

In that situation I could see how instinct could kick in and she may have smacked, however even if this were the case she should have phoned you straight away and explained the situation, explained her reaction fully, and apologised to you and your son, then you could make a decision based on the facts. Instead she has avoided the situation which makes it difficult to trust her, you are left in the dark which is completely unfair! I don't know what I would do in your position, but hope you get it sorted soon.

HariboJunkie

noodledoodle78 wrote: »

What do you think?

I think I would collect my son asap and never take him back to her. But then I wouldn't have dismissed the previous smackings like you did and I wouldn't have left him there today when he was clearly so unhappy.
I certainly wouldn't leave it to a four year old to tell the childminder that she is not allowed to smack him.

I am not completely anti smacking and have smacked my girls when they have done something which I consider to be dangerous but I would NEVER accept anyone else smacking my child under ANY circumstances. EVER.

mrcow

noodledoodle78 wrote: »

I brought him to the childminder today and she just shrugged off what had happened. My DS was really unhappy to be there and kept telling me tha the childminder was a naughty girl.

Then don't send him there. Why would you leave your kid with anyone that leaves them "really unhappy".

He's your child - you look after him. Work the problem.

cheepskate_2

I would have smacked my child in this circumstance, but saying that i have never lost any of my boys in a large store, was she paying less attention and talking a bit too much. Why did he have the opportunity to dissapear

Had she discussed with you beforehand what punishments she would melt out, did you agree to this reprimand .

As for myself i would not allow any childminder to punish my child in this way, as then it is down to her discretion how often it happens and for what reasons.

I would get a new childminderASAP , although this is the exact reason i never choose a childminder and favoured a nursery, more people to see what is going on.

I would also take this up with the relevant childminding body as i am sure they should not be punishing in this way.

Money_maker

Whilst the childminder should definately not have smacked him, this was a very serious incident as a small, lost child is a major panic alert. Perhaps she should not have taken him there, been holding his hand or using a wrist strap - particularly if he's prone to wandering.

Whilst I used to smack mine on rare occasions when they were small (cue the anti-smacking brigade) I wouldn't expect anyone else to lay a hand on them.

You need to sit down with your childminder and discuss this. Your child should not be referring to her as a 'naughty girl' and your childminder needs to discuss her idea of discipline with you. You could report her.

cte1111

It is not acceptable for childminders to smack children, at all, ever. It is totally against the rules from Ofsted etc. Not sure what you should do next though.

MrsTinks

I'd say there were 2 issues here you need to address (and not by telling your son that he should tell you if she tries to smack him again!)
First you agree with your childminder that she does not smack your child again - no if's or but's - you understand why she did it but you prefer her to not punish him in that manner again.
Second you make clear to him that running off is NOT acceptable and he deserved a smacked bum. If he can't behave like a "big boy" then he doesn't get to go out to shops and certainly doesn't get to go on rides!
If between you and the childminder you can't come to an agreement about how to diciplin your child then you find a new childminder - simple

peachyprice

noodledoodle78 wrote: »

She said she treats him as one of her own and that is what she would have done with her own children.

She is not one of her own, if she wants to smack her own children that is fine. But never, under any circumstance, can she smack a child in her care.

TBH, my dismissing it out of hand in the first place you have given her the impression that it was fine to smack him, even more so because you haven't challenged her about the allegations made before.

Yes he was naughty to have run off, but he must have been given the opportunity to run off. Children don't just disappear when they are being watched properly. Your childminder is as much at fault for taking him on a shopping trip, with her mother in tow, and putting him in a situation where he was able to WALK OUT OF A SHOP without her noticing.

There is no way in the world a child of mine would be going back to a childminder who a) hits him and b) is distracted enough to lose him.