Am I too controlling over money?

skintchick

Juliff I think you're a saint for putting up with this!

i just wanted to say, that if he says things like 'other blokes go out to the pub every night' then respond by saying 'and blokes like that wouldn;t have even got a foot in the door of my life - I am with you because I wanted someone who wasn;t like that, and there are plenty of men who support their wives and pull their weight in their relationships, so if you want to get onto comparing yourself with others then go ahead, because for evey man you show me you are better than, I can show you at least one who shows you up big time'.

Do not let him browbeat you into not even bringing this stuff up.

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

I got an application form for an A &L basic account, but I am too scared to bring the subject up!

You should never be scared to talk to your partner about anything, and it makes me really sad that you seem to accept that this is okay. This man needs to take some responsibility, start contributing to his family both financially and with the house (housework and DIY), to show he can support you and the kids in one way or another and not just be an additional burden.

ailuro2

You should ask him if he'd like you to put controls on to stop him looking at e-bay, but that would allow him access to job hunting sites?

It's easy enough to barr sites using the 'allow' functions as I'm sure you know.

If he can't remember his PIN he's not likely to remember the password is he?

Get him to do the garden, fix all the bits of fence that need work, paint the outside windows if they need it, use his 'time out' as a way to catch up on everything you fall behind on when you're both working. Make this his 'job' till he finds something else, I feel it's important to keep him occupied till something else is available, just to stop him getting deeper into the rut he's in.

I do agree he sounds like a child, but it's hard to decipher what part of the vicious circle you can break - so give him a list of jobs each week, and praise him etc. when he gets them all done. If he doesn't get them all done, then he needs to explain why he's leeting the family down.;)

MrsE_2

What about turning the tables & putting him in charge of the bills & money.
My DH does the bills & household costs (despite me working in finance).

Do you think the responsibilty would sort him out.

I love not having to deal with & worry about all that & he gives me shopping money at the weekend for food.

julliff

I do agree he sounds like a child, but it's hard to decipher what part of the vicious circle you can break - so give him a list of jobs each week, and praise him etc. when he gets them all done.

I am not allowed to give him jobs to do. Even if I ask him nicely, he gets angry for giving him jobs. He always says he has loads to do, or that I am controlling him, and he can get quite nasty.

You should ask him if he'd like you to put controls on to stop him looking at e-bay, but that would allow him access to job hunting sites?

I asked him this when he made the comment about a moth to a flame and he said "NO" in a very assertive way.

When I suggest he does the bills, he is not at all interested. In fact he hints to the fact that he would do things badly, and if we get in amess it will be my fault, for making him do it.

For instance, he does not have a mobile phone, and when, in the past I have asked him to carry one of the old ones we have lying about, he will not. Then lately, he said he would get a phone, and wants a really expensive one with interent access!!! Probably for ebay, but I also feel like it is a sort of punishment for me, for saying he should get one!

thanks for all of the support. I know that nothing will change until I make it change, but as always, life is complicated. I appreciate the opportunity to offload here.

DD1 is really anti me at the moment, and if I psuh things too hard, I will lose her as well. (She is 14)

The_Banker_5

The poor bloke.

viktory

julliff wrote: »

have been married or 17 years, and my marriage is in crisis. (I have
actually posted on here before, and received some lovely supportive
replies).



I am still trying to carry on, but am finding it really difficult.



My husband and I were made redundant about the same time. I managed to
get some work straight away (contracting), but my husband has not now
worked for nearly 3 months. He blames me for him being made redundant.



Now, I have always looked after the finances, as OH does not take any
interest in them. As well as that, I have always earned a lot more than
him.



He is a compulsive spender, and buys collectibles almost every day on
ebay. Even now, he is not working, and he does this. . I think this is
not really good, considering that he is out of work, and my contract
only runs up to the end of July

We agreed some time ago, that he would have a set amount of pocket money
to do with as he wished, so that he could buy stuff. But our
circumstances have changed, but he is carrying on the same.





I am also responsible for getting his pocket money too him, as he cant
be bothered to remember his pin no. I have actually arranged for a
reminder to be sent, but I have to admit that I am worried that he will
drain our resources, and upset the budget.





Am I being unreasonable? Too controlling?



Also, he has not really done much about getting a new job. I said to
him that he should look at getting some qualifications, or learning to
drive so that he could increase his chances of getting employed, but he
hasn't done anything.



All he seems to do is to moan about there being no jobs. He never
speaks to me about what he plans to do, and I feel like he is waiting
for me to sort his life out. Or for me to bring up the subject, so that
he can get all defensive, and start blaming me again.



Any advice would be appreciated.

To be honest, you sound more like his mother than his wife. If you are so busy doing everything for him, how will he ever learn to fend for himself?

So yes, I do think you are too controlling.

julliff

The poor bloke.

Would you care to expand on that?

pelirocco

viktory wrote: »

To be honest, you sound more like his mother than his wife. If you are so busy doing everything for him,how will he ever lea rn to fend for himself?

So yes, I do think you are too controlling.

He's a grown man dont you think he should have 'learnt ' by now? :rolleyes:

If anything he is the controlling one in this relationship

pelirocco

julliff wrote: »

Would you care to expand on that?

The poster is probably your oh , going by his user name lol;)