Am I too controlling over money?

Dinah93

I assume you have other financial products which are linked, such as a mortgage or current account. If so if he decimates hsi credit rating, it will impact upon you too. The difference being if it is a credit card in only his name only he is responsible for paying it off, so even if your credit rating was decimated if he fell behind on paying it, they would still only come after him. I do think you're inviting trouble giving a man with a spending problem access to a credit card though!

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

Hi all,

I recently set up a credit card which would be only for his ebay purchases, which he will be resposible for.

Statement came today, and this month it has £300 worth of transactions on it.

We agreed at the offset, that he would pay it off each month, but I cant see how that is going to happen, unless it comes out of the household budget.

He is an additional cardholder, so if he gets in a mess with this, it will affect my carefully maintained credit scoring, wont it? If it were possible to get a credit card in OHs name, would that protect my credit score/rating?



Dont know if this is possible now, as he is out of work.

thanks!

If I were you, I would promptly cancel/ cut up the additional card in his name. If he can not get a card in his name then tough - maybe this means that he shouldn't have one! This may sound harsh but if he can rack up £300 in one month, just imagine what he may spend on it in 12 months. YOU will ultimately be responsible for HIS spending habits, and yes your score will be affected.

I think you are going to have to show your husband a bit of tough love. He needs to be held accountable for his spending and at the moment he does not feel the need to be because you are following behind him trying to clean up his mess. He need to stop walking all over you and stand on his own two feet!

Again, I apologise if I sound harsh, I feel for you - you sound like you are trying your best and he is just taking advantage of you, your generosity and good nature.

julliff

Thanks.

I have to take partial responsibity for allowing this to happen!

It's not just the money - it really annoys me that he spends hours a day trawling ebay.

If he put half as much effort into finding a job/learning to drive/ signing up for a training course.....

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

If he put half as much effort into finding a job/learning to drive/ signing up for a training course.....

I don't think your husband has any motivation to do this, he would much rather sit infront of ebay. Afterall, his lovely wife was kind enough to set up a credit card for any purchases he made! Perfecto! He must think life is rosy!


Only he can make the choice to change the course he is on. He is an adult not a small child, let him take care of himself.

He is dragging you down with him. It's time shift focus from him and look after your own needs. I can't see him changing until you lay down the boundaries and let him know what you will and will not accept in the relationship.

Any

julliff wrote: »

Hi all,

I recently set up a credit card which would be only for his ebay purchases, which he will be resposible for.

Statement came today, and this month it has £300 worth of transactions on it.

We agreed at the offset, that he would pay it off each month, but I cant see how that is going to happen, unless it comes out of the household budget.

He is an additional cardholder, so if he gets in a mess with this, it will affect my carefully maintained credit scoring, wont it? If it were possible to get a credit card in OHs name, would that protect my credit score/rating?



Dont know if this is possible now, as he is out of work.

thanks!

that is the most stupid idea I've ever heard yet. So if he sets his eye on a car on Ebay today (for which he has no money) then you will pay it off next month??

And he agreed with this? And he spends what he doesn't have?? Does he think you are his slave? He can send you to work while he is enjoying the income of your hard labour?

Ditch him!!!

julliff

Well, TBF, I dont think he would buy a car (he cant drive), or anything of that nature.

Most of his purchases are small - old photos and other memoribillia. It is just that he buys a LOT - like he has a compulsion. Occasionally he buys shirts, they tend to be a bit more.

He jokes about me being his personal assistant, but I dont find it funny. I do feel like a slave at times.

Up to now, he has always worked, but has never striven to advance his career. I have pulled myself up into my current career by my teeth, studying, working and bringing up 2 kids - his wages before he got made redundant were less than they were when we met 20 years ago. If I hadn't made the effort, I dont think we would have the house, lifestyle & holidays that we have.

Any

It seems to me that you are pretty strong person.
You need to make your mind up what next.
I personally think he had very easy life and it's too late to try and change him.
Either decide you love him and put up with it or ditch him. But this way you are going to worry yourself to death.

julliff

Well, I suppose I am strong in some ways, but really weak in others.

I can’t do confrontation with OH. I know if I say something about ebay he will just say things like “Other blokes go to the pub everynight,” and “I gave up smoking, do you deny me everything?”. He has over the last week not bought any beer, that is true, and he doesn’t go out much (nor do I). So I won’t win that argument.

Today I see that he has bought another load of stuff, so I said to him “Do you think you should be buying more stuff, when you have got the last lot still to pay for? His answer was that he put his bids on some time ago, and anyway, he got about 100 photos for £30 so it was a bargain.

What I would really like to do, is settle up with him, and cut us adrift. He can take half of any money we have and go make the life he wants. He makes me feel like I am ruining his life The only thing really stopping me is the kids. They will be ripped apart. For all his faults, he is still their Dad.

We are just not compatible on our outlook on money, and it will always be a battle.
I am worrying about how we will make the money last, should my work dry up, and he is talking about ebay, trips to Belgium etc.

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

Well, I suppose I am strong in some ways, but really weak in others.

I can’t do confrontation with OH. I know if I say something about ebay he will just say things like “Other blokes go to the pub everynight,” and “I gave up smoking, do you deny me everything?”. He has over the last week not bought any beer, that is true, and he doesn’t go out much (nor do I). So I won’t win that argument.

Today I see that he has bought another load of stuff, so I said to him “Do you think you should be buying more stuff, when you have got the last lot still to pay for? His answer was that he put his bids on some time ago, and anyway, he got about 100 photos for £30 so it was a bargain.

What I would really like to do, is settle up with him, and cut us adrift. He can take half of any money we have and go make the life he wants. He makes me feel like I am ruining his life The only thing really stopping me is the kids. They will be ripped apart. For all his faults, he is still their Dad.

We are just not compatible on our outlook on money, and it will always be a battle.
I am worrying about how we will make the money last, should my work dry up, and he is talking about ebay, trips to Belgium etc.

Sounds as if he is taking his own guilt, manipulating it and placing it on you. He needs to take responsibity for his own actions.

Its not about winning it's about compromise on both sides for the sake of the family and from your posts it seems that you are the only one trying to sort out the issues of money, while he buries his head deeper i the sand.

£30 for photos is should only be a bargain to him if he can afford it! If it has been paid for by your credit card account, it is no bargain.

I getting the feeling that you a struggling with the relationship and really want things to work out. Leaving seems to be a last resort for you. Have you considered couples (or individual) and/ or financial therapy?

Any

MrsAnnie wrote: »

Sounds as if he is taking his own guilt, manipulating it and placing it on you. He needs to take responsibity for his own actions.

Its not about winning it's about compromise on both sides for the sake of the family and from your posts it seems that you are the only one trying to sort out the issues of money, while he buries his head deeper i the sand.

£30 for photos is should only be a bargain to him if he can afford it! If it has been paid for by your credit card account, it is no bargain.

I getting the feeling that you a struggling with the relationship and really want things to work out. Leaving seems to be a last resort for you. Have you considered couples (or individual) and/ or financial therapy?

Completely agree.