Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

thanks for the replies.

I accept your comments about treating him like a child by giving him pocket money, but when we decided on this, it was that we were both oing to take a fixe d amount of money each week as "spends"- only I never spent mine so I stopped taking it.

In te early days we were really broke, so it seemed like a good idea.

So,shall I just give him the new pin, and then see how it goes? It makes me nervous, because he likes to spend so much, but doesn't take any interest in the bills!

I mean, how do I achieve the equal partnership?

julliff

chnelomi wrote: »

Be very cautious of increasing his responsibility with the finances my oh is going through a rough patch right now and i tried on the advice of people meaning well to increase his responsibilities within the house.

What a disaster that was he gave money away to people who were better of than us and said we didn't need it back, got new fishing gear and games for our son. buy the end of 2 weeks my summer/xmas money account(for presents/family days out etc) was overdrawn £25 penalty every 3 days. Main account was in OD and he forgot to sign on, on top of it all he never paid any bills and i had to ask my parents for money till it was sorted.

When they are in this depressive state they just do not understand the consequences of what they do. he was of the opinion it was nothing to worry about as my parents helped us, and i would be able to build the money back up. I don't think it is worth letting them have control of important things if they show no motivation to do what needs done. besides the depression side of thing my OH has never had any money sense even if he could save £50 buy walking 100ft to the next shop he'd just shrug his shoulders and say i'm here now.

OK will give you all one guess why am on mse lol:rotfl:

chnelomi - your husband sounds very much like mine! I hope you get on an even keel again soon.

julliff

Dinah93 wrote: »

He's not taking reponsibility, how is he blaming you for being made redundant? He needs to understand that there is less money for treats now, so he has to get a job so he can keep buying them. But if a grown man doesn't get this concept I'd be clattering him around the head with something heavy!

My ex was very similar, honestly in the end I decided life was too short to spend with someone I couldn't respect anymore.

Well, he used to come home and moan about things in his job, and I used to say "Oh, I don't know how you manage to keep quiet, I would have to say something". So I made himfeel small (he says) and went in and stuck his neck out. So he thinks that is why he was selected for redundancy. His word were "You lost me my job".

I have posted in this forum before about this, so sorry if I am going on, but I wanted to reply to the question.

BallandChain

I remember your original thread Julliff. Things had gotten to a point you were thinking of leaving him. I doubt it's going to get better unless he tries and tbh I just see you going round in circles. I couldn't stay with a man who had little respect for me and had pocket money because he couldn't be bothered to earn for himself. I hope things do improve for your sake.

January20

julliff wrote: »

thanks for the replies.

I accept your comments about treating him like a child by giving him pocket money, but when we decided on this, it was that we were both oing to take a fixe d amount of money each week as "spends"- only I never spent mine so I stopped taking it.

In te early days we were really broke, so it seemed like a good idea.

So,shall I just give him the new pin, and then see how it goes? It makes me nervous, because he likes to spend so much, but doesn't take any interest in the bills!

I mean, how do I achieve the equal partnership?

If he is not good with money and is likely to spend a lot, I don't see the logic in giving him the pin and just sit back and see what happens. Your contract ends in July so what happens if he lands you in lots of financial trouble in that time?

Indeed someone said you treated him like a child, giving him pocket money, but having read your other thread in which some of the attitudes you described left me speechless, and this one now, it looks like he does behave like a child, not looking for a job and not taking interest in the financial side of your lives (whether he is depressed or not won't be a useful argument when creditors knock on the door). I think this is not about equal partnership, this is about protecting your home and your financial security especially as you have two young daughters.

chnelomi

January20 wrote: »

If he is not good with money and is likely to spend a lot, I don't see the logic in giving him the pin and just sit back and see what happens. Your contract ends in July so what happens if he lands you in lots of financial trouble in that time?

Indeed someone said you treated him like a child, giving him pocket money, but having read your other thread in which some of the attitudes you described left me speechless, and this one now, it looks like he does behave like a child, not looking for a job and not taking interest in the financial side of your lives (whether he is depressed or not won't be a useful argument when creditors knock on the door). I think this is not about equal partnership, this is about protecting your home and your financial security especially as you have two young daughters.

Why cant i say insightful things like this
If my oh has taught me anything it's to keep my pin to myself and get a separate account for him to have access too that way I'm not left borrowing money to feed us whilst starring at a new plant in the fish tank(as lovely as it is).
Besides the old saying of give enough rope and he will hang himself is what i see if you think your hubby is like mine!

My OH's favorite saying at the moment is "see when we have some spare cash" and i cant help but reply "I'll see it when you start work" or "we have years till the kids are at uni" i know i shouldn't but i can't help it.

julliff

Thank you all for your replies.

I am trying to make a go of things, but I just feel really resentful.

I said that he should learn to drive,and he actually said - but we cant really afford it at the moment! I wanted to laugh, because he NEVER says that about anything else, in fact today he said we should go to Belgium in September!

Tonight I asked him if he dad looked into driving lessons and he said "no", I then asked if he was going to and he just shrugged.

That is a big resentment. In fact,last week we had some American friends to stay, and I had to drive them everywhere (I thought they were going to hire a car, but they didn't). On the last day I had to get up at 3.30am to drive them to the airport,and then do a full days work.

OH did come with us, but then joked about how he was going to have a good sleep,when he rang me up at work klater that day. I'm afraid I didn't find that at all amusing.

Hecould apply for loads more jobs if he had a full licence.

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone here where I feel so supported, and able to offload.

I think I may explode otherwise.

diable

I don't think that you are "controlling" just "careful" But I can tell you this that he needs a massive kick up his a5se and needs to start appreciating people more.

glossgal

Men are very touchy when it comes to work or lack of it-i speak from bitter experience! My OH does a lot of contract work and is periodically out of work-he then generally sits around waiting for a job to fall in his lap while I bite my tongue. When it gets past the six- weeks-and- still -hanging round -the -house stage I start to make comments and get pounced on- 'its only been a few weeks! I can't believe you're having a go at me' blah blah sulk sulk. It gets very tedious after the third or so time belive me and I've realised now that it never changes. I have learnt to accept this as my man works hard when he does work and at least doesn't fritter money away because to me that would be unacceptable.

I think you have to stop supporting him financially. In my case i would initially let my OH off with sharing some bills or ask for a smaller contribution but now he knows that he must pay his share of the bills each month even if it means draining every last drop left in his account. The longer you let him off the less urgent his jobseeking will be and he'll have no motivation at all. He will absolutely make you feel guilty for discussing it because it is a cowardly and immature defense mechanism that some men just seem to have unfortunately. You have to get tough OP!

Mips

If that were my husband, he most certainly would be bloody depressed once I'd finished with him...