Am I too controlling over money?

BitterAndTwisted

If he's not earning he can't be spending. I'd cut off his allowance right now and the very last thing I would do is give him access to the bank account.

I don't think you're controlling, I think you're extremely realistic and sensible and it must be a very hard job being the only responsible adult in your relationship.

I'd get a spreadsheet together and show him where the money has been going and tell him about how unhappy you are about him indulging himself at your expense.

You didn't lose him his job, he lost it. If he's that biddable that he couldn't even deal with his own employment situation and take responsibility for it then I think you really are married to a child, not a full-grown adult.

Put your foot down, do not let him drag you down into the mire!

joflo_2

If he is depressed he won't book lessons or do anything for himself that needs effort. So maybe book one lesson or apply for the written test, (you can get revision questions from the library I found for getting ready).

You are working and I was working when I met my husband who wasn't working. I booked lessons to get him started and out of the house, then I found a temp job for a week and it started to get better.

I would also talk about depression and ebay addiction. Its about winning something and the feeling that gives you, similar to gaming addiction. Also receiving parcels can be something to look forward to if you are at home all day. (I had a problem with ebay for a while and I had to stop looking for things to buy)

If you can work towards it, see if he will change the password to one only you know for a day, then two days. On those days see if he can go and volunteer somewhere if he has skills he could offer. It will look better on a CV to be doing something with his time and will make him feel better.

I know some times people who are depressed can't do these things but maybe some of these suggestions might help.

Good Luck

Jo

julliff

thanks again.

Well, to be fair, OH did get a redundancy package, so what I have done is put that in a saving account, and am transferring in the same amount as he got paid each month. This will last about 6 months like this. So really he is still contributing. So I cant really stop him having spends.

the thing is he is not looking for anything, or looking at any training. nor is he taking on board that my work is not guaranteed. Yesterday, I was told that my contract was being terminated (it was not at the very, very last minute). When I told him, he still din't seem all that bothered. IF he is, he hides it well.

Yes, he has been depressed, but he wont admit there is a problem, or get propwe help. TBH, I just dont want this way of living anymore - readers of my other post wil know that I have also been teetering on the edge for some time. I ALWAYS have to "own" his problems. I am trying to wtick with it, and have made a decision to wait until our holiday in August (hich was booked and paid for before both of our redundancies) - and then see how things are. If nothing looks to be changing, then I really dont want to go on anymore.

On a practical note, we have a second account, so I could put some money in there, and give him the pin for that. Maybe I will put his redundancy money in there, and then he cannot accuse me of taking all his money, and treating him like a child. HE will also the be resposible for it - he will be in charge of it,

Silverbird

Thanks for the update, Julliff.

You have confirmed he's depressed and not doing anything about it and I would strongly advise that you tell him straight out that you will be leaving him should things continue as they are.

This may well be the kick up the behind that gets him to try to seek help and improve his mood and life.

Otherwise I envisage things just plodding along as they have been with no changes. If he's still the same after you've told him this then at least you tried and he had the chance to try to dig his way out of his depression. For me it was all about realising that I didn't want to live that way any more and literally forcing myself to get out and do things, even if I didn't want to do them (which is how you generally feel when depressed). Living with a depressed person is horrible for everybody and you don't really realise that until you're out of it or have experienced it yourself. It drags you down and stops you enjoying life.

I really do hope that things work out well here for you. Keep us updated and all the very best and I hope you're enjoying life again soon.

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

I am trying to make a go of things, but I just feel really resentful.

I said that he should learn to drive,and he actually said - but we cant really afford it at the moment! I wanted to laugh, because he NEVER says that about anything else, in fact today he said we should go to Belgium in September!

Tonight I asked him if he dad looked into driving lessons and he said "no", I then asked if he was going to and he just shrugged.

That is a big resentment. In fact,last week we had some American friends to stay, and I had to drive them everywhere (I thought they were going to hire a car, but they didn't). On the last day I had to get up at 3.30am to drive them to the airport,and then do a full days work.

OH did come with us, but then joked about how he was going to have a good sleep,when he rang me up at work klater that day. I'm afraid I didn't find that at all amusing.

Hecould apply for loads more jobs if he had a full licence.

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone here where I feel so supported, and able to offload.

I think I may explode otherwise.

Juliff you sound like a lovely person, but what is this man brining to your life. Financially he is doing nothing, does he make up by doing all the housework since you are working full time, making you meals, telling you you matter to him?

You only get one life, there is no point wasting it being miserable.

Look our for yourself and your daughters, he's an adult, he can look out for himself.

julliff

He does do some housework now, certainly not all of it. When he worked, he did none. Now he does some, but he moans about it all the time, and tells me how things should be done.

Thanks for saying so, but I am not a lovely person. I am miserable, moany and grumpy. I do not like what I have become. I am always stressed.

I have in the past always been totally honest - I prided myself on it. But, I managed to negotiate an increase in my rate, and I have kept quiet about it. As a contractor, I dont get paid when I take holidays, so I want to build up a pot to see us over the summer when we will be away. I feel like if I tell OH about the extra, he will just see the rise as another way to spend more - "no need to worry, there is more money coming in." Just want to avoid another confrontation.

MrsAnnie

Cut his pocket money in half and say that you can't afford to give him the previously agreed amount. This might make him start taking an interest in the financials of the house, where the money is coming from (i.e. your money!)and getting him looking for a job because his pocket money just is not enough to fund his spending.

This solution may not address the other issue in the relationship, but may help in the short term.

Any

I am sorry to say this Julliff, but I have a difficult man at home (crap with finances) and I have to deal with the bills etc and keep an eye on his spend, but at least mine goes out and actually earns the money and actually listens to me when I need to make changes to keep up with the changing costs... (new mortgage deal, new electr. supplier...).
Lot of men are rubbish with money and need someone to help them out - I don't think you are controlling at all, I think you are just looking out for your own and your son's life and future.

Your OH just sounds like a looser. And selfish one for that. I realise that this is difficult, you must still love him otherwise you would see through this and walked off months ago, but I think you now reached the depth of your patience and energy.

Pee

I think you need to split the household basic costs in two. One half to be paid by him, one half to be paid by you. Any benfits he receives can go towards his half, you can then lend him the remainder. That might then concentrate his mind on getting a job.

It's not fair on you and he needs to do something about it. maybe housework could be used to make a contribution.

julliff

Hi all,

I recently set up a credit card which would be only for his ebay purchases, which he will be resposible for.

Statement came today, and this month it has £300 worth of transactions on it.

We agreed at the offset, that he would pay it off each month, but I cant see how that is going to happen, unless it comes out of the household budget.

He is an additional cardholder, so if he gets in a mess with this, it will affect my carefully maintained credit scoring, wont it? If it were possible to get a credit card in OHs name, would that protect my credit score/rating?



Dont know if this is possible now, as he is out of work.

thanks!