Am I too controlling over money?

Dinah93

M OH's parents stayed together so not to affect the kids, they split up when my OH was 18 and his brother was 15. Both of them say they had a miserable early teenage life as their mum was so unhappy, they never got to go out as a family, and their whole home life was just strained and tense. OH has said to me he's very glad they split up because they are both a lot happier now, and as a result he has a better relationship with them individually, where before he kept himself to himself because both of them always seemed too wrapped up in putting on this front for the kids.

While a two parent family is great, a happy set of parents as individuals is much more important to the emotional well-being of the children overall.

Emmzi

if there are no kids - trial seperation which will shock him into action or confirm your suspicions
if there are kids - what sort of an example is he setting them? same as above

it's not a 'forever' decxision, its just a bit of breathing space

julliff

Thanks for all of your replies.


Some very sensible suggestions, but I am really trying hard to wait until after August before throwing in the towel. I want the kids to have a good holiday (and me too I hope). Also, then I will have tried all other options. As posted previously, his redundancy money will cover until then (as long as I also stay in contract).

On a practical note, I have reduced the credit limit on CC that OH is using to £1000, so he can’t ebay us into bankruptcy.

I have also been looking into a basic bank account in his name only. I am thinking that his JSA can go straight in there, and I MAY suggest his redundancy money goes in there. We will then have to work out how much he should contribute. The plan is that he will grow up financially, and also maybe will not feel like I treat him like a child. I may of course be giving him the rope to hang himself. However, with a basic bank account, you can’t go overdrawn.

I would be interested in any advice as to how you work out who pays what. I mean the Direct Debits are easy, as they are the same each moth. But what about food, clothes, holidays, home improvements, kids school trips etc?

If it doesn’t work out, then at least he will already have his own accounts etc already set up to go forward in the world.

Dinah93

I add up all costs over a year and divide it by 12, so if food was £200 a month, presents maybe £600 a year, clothes maybe £500 a year, holidays (big one for us) we put aside £250 a month, home improvements say £800 a year, trips, maybe £200 a year, that would work out at £4750, or £296 a month. That way anything left in his account is spends, make sure all this money comes out on payday/JSA day, as otherwise you won't find he sets anything aside and all of this becomes your responsibility.

Dilfred

From what you said about his career aspirations etc. before he got into this position it sounds like he was taking some responability for money/bills etc.

Redundancy is a very tough thing to have happen, and everyone takes it differently. I think that to be honest rather than concentrate on the money issues, maybe the root cause should be identified that got him into this situation?
It sounds to me like he is struggling to accept this and it has made him feel like a outcast, so isolating himself in front of the computer and finding another way to feel that he is not useless? ie, 30photos at this price, BARGAIN......

Maybe looking for some counciling is required?
http://careersadvice.direct.gov.uk/helpandadvice/redundancy/

http://wam.bacp.co.uk/wam/SeekTherapist.exe?NEWSEARCH

I appreciate that this is going to require alot of work from you to get him "motivated to go" or even listen to you, but maybe it'll make him see what he's doing to you, the family AND himself?

I wish you good luck

MrsAnnie

Dinah93 wrote: »

I add up all costs over a year and divide it by 12, so if food was £200 a month, presents maybe £600 a year, clothes maybe £500 a year, holidays (big one for us) we put aside £250 a month, home improvements say £800 a year, trips, maybe £200 a year, that would work out at £4750, or £296 a month. That way anything left in his account is spends, make sure all this money comes out on payday/JSA day, as otherwise you won't find he sets anything aside and all of this becomes your responsibility.

I have done roughly the same thing except my OH gets paid weekly so it is divided by 52. Except I make an allowance for savings aswell, since my OH is rubbish at putting money away for a rainy day. This may help you out too. As long as you disciplined in saving the bit extra every week/month.

Excellent julliff for reducing the CC limit. Although £1000 still sound a very high limit for someone not in the position to clear the balance quickly. :eek: But every little bit helps!

Where is the redundancy money and JSA being kept at the moment? Is the basic bank account to replace joint accounts? Maybe instead of making him open up a bank account, you should open up your own sole account that he does not have access to - then you can control your own money. aNd you will not be hounding him to open up his own account.

LittleMissAspie

julliff wrote: »

I would be interested in any advice as to how you work out who pays what. I mean the Direct Debits are easy, as they are the same each moth. But what about food, clothes, holidays, home improvements, kids school trips etc?

My boyfriend and I have separate current accounts. From each account there is a monthly standing order into a joint account. Bills come from the joint account. "Bills" means rent, council tax, utilities, groceries, phone, internet. Each one has a monthly budget, eg £120 for groceries. We pay half each.

Personal spends like clothes, haircuts, entertainment, lunch etc come from our personal accounts.

Infrequent spends like holidays or home improvements would come from savings (all personal accounts, we have no joint savings), we would pay half each.

We don't have children but I guess you could estimate a monthly cost for them (pocket money, lunch money, bus passes, school costs etc) and add it to the joint account.

If you have always controlled the bills, he might well have no idea how much effort it takes to balance the numbers, and how quickly it all runs out. A basic account for his JSA could be a good idea, with a standing order from it into your/joint account for bills. If he somehow runs out of money and can't pay his bills, he gets bread and jam for dinner, or cold showers for a week. That's the reality of not paying the bills.

msb5262

Hello OP,
It sounds as if you're having a really awful time, not least because your OH is managing to make you feel responsible for everything! Poor you; it makes you even more likely to blame yourself, when none of this is down to you.
On a practical level, you need to get your OH's spending money into another account - or let him have the existing account, and get your wages paid into another account so the bills etc can be paid from there. Don't let him turn you into a sort of all-controlling mummy; he needs to sort out his own money and your priority is to keep the household going and the children fed and clothed. The only way is to separate the money...and try to keep going, choosing not to hear his reproaches.
The best of luck to you - you don't deserve all this.
MsB

julliff

Hi all.

Thanks for your advice.

I got an application form for an A &L basic account, but I am too scared to bring the subject up!

As for my money - as I am an IT contractor now, I am set up as a limited company, so all of my money goes into my business account. I then transfer money to the joint account.

At least OH has not bought anything on ebay today, although he was eyeing a leather jacket. and yesterday he said he didnt go on the computer because he was drawn to ebay like a moth to the light. So, he knows he needs to put the brakes on.

Today, he is annoying me because he wont get on with the DIY. I thought when he was at home, all of the jobs would get done! I said about painting some doors, but he said - "All my thinking is taken up with this job" (Pointing at front door which a friend is going to help him with - NEXT WEEK!).

Sigh, at least he hung the washing out and emptied the dishwasher today.

SailorSam

Hi julliff, you said earlier you thought the kids would be ripped apart if you were to break up, but they must already realise what is going on, even if you have'nt spoken about it the atmosphere in the house will have told them there is something wrong.
I think they will be far happier if you were feeling better, you must do what is right for you and not use the kids as an excuse. The kids will be happier to have two happy parents living apart than tho miserable ones living together.