Am I too controlling over money?

JoKay_2

Hi Julliff - just found your thread and couldn't pass it by without commenting.

I think you're a saint for what you're putting up with - but I also think that you're so weary that you can't seem to be able to have it out with him, which I can understand. What is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back - and why hasn't it already?

From what I can see, you seem to be trying to hold it all together until your holiday in August - but what is going to happen then - are you going to tell him then that you're leaving?? Do you have a plan, because if you haven't, I strongly suggest that you start thinking about one.

And I second the comments other posters have made about the children - though I don't have any personal experience, I do believe that growing up in a happy single family must be much better than living in an unhappy married family.

My very best wishes to you.

Caroline73_2

SO to summarise

he is using a joint account to run up debt and a credit card in your name to run up debt.

You only have 6 weeks left to work

You are scared of discussing things with him

You take care of all finances

He's got it made really.

Dinah93

If you do leave after the holiday, and he has run up this credit card in your name, who do you think has to pay that all back hon? Be very careful.

ema_o

Please cut up his credit card, if he doesn't pay back the £400 he has already run up you are responsible for paying it back. Reducing the limit is a good start but I really think you need to do something more drastic. My OH has a credit card in my name which we use for petrol and big expenses but I would cancel it in a shot if he even thought about not paying back every month.

I imagine he won't be able to get one in his own name with no job but he will be able to get a basic bank account.

I am also concerned about you waiting till after the holiday to speak to him about this, it is worrying that he turns things around so they are your fault and I can understand you wanting to avoid talking to him. It won't be any easier after the holiday than it will be now. I think if you tell him you are thinking of leaving unless some things change that might shock him into action.

julliff

£400? that was yesterday. today it is £540!!!:eek:

Hmmm....treating him as an adult isn't really working. I dont feel like I've got any more energy left for this.

I haven't really got a plan for after August. Really confused, as I know OH will not leave, and if I leave I will lose my children. Oldest DD really doesnt like me at the mo, and makes a big show of being "Daddy's girl" to upset me.

I think the trouble is that he has been so hot and cold over the lsat few yesrs with the kids, they seek his approval all the time.

It does hurt, as I have tried to be a good Mum - I can count on one hand the number of times he has taken them anywhere - literally.

julliff

Just wanted to add that I am starting too feel really detached from all of this.

Like I am looking in at my own life.

Strange

Caroline73_2

Maybe the children see him more of a peer than a parental figure? You give them pocket money in the same way you give it to your husband.

Did you say she was 14 earlier in the thread? A 14 year old girl maybe just pulling your strings. She has no idea of the complexities of adult relationships.

In the long term I am sure she would have more respect for you to dealing with it. What about if she wants to go to uni in a few years and her Dad has spent everything and then some, leaving no money for her dreams?

The_Banker_5

julliff wrote: »

Just wanted to add that I am starting too feel really detached from all of this.

Like I am looking in at my own life.

Strange

Wow and what do you see?:eek:

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

£400? that was yesterday. today it is £540!!!:eek:

Hmmm....treating him as an adult isn't really working. I dont feel like I've got any more energy left for this.

I haven't really got a plan for after August. Really confused, as I know OH will not leave, and if I leave I will lose my children. Oldest DD really doesnt like me at the mo, and makes a big show of being "Daddy's girl" to upset me.

I think the trouble is that he has been so hot and cold over the lsat few yesrs with the kids, they seek his approval all the time.

It does hurt, as I have tried to be a good Mum - I can count on one hand the number of times he has taken them anywhere - literally.

He's spending £140 a day in your name?! Why don't you reduce the limit further, this is madness!!!

I'm sure your DD will be back to you very quickly, when her unemployed daddy can'd buy her treats, or food for that matter, he hasn't got dinner on the table or ironed her clothes, the house is filthy, and there are debt collectors at the door.

If you were to divorce him you'd be entitled to at least 50% of the house, I doubt he could get a mortgage in just his name being as he is unemployed, which leaves you buying him out (also an unlikely option since your contract finishes soon, unless you find something else), or selling the property and going your seperate ways.

My ex got a credit card with capital one when he was unemployed, not that I really would usually recomend credit in your situation, however if he's going to have it its better to have it in his name than in yours.

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

£400? that was yesterday. today it is £540!!!:eek:

Hmmm....treating him as an adult isn't really working. I dont feel like I've got any more energy left for this.

I haven't really got a plan for after August. Really confused, as I know OH will not leave, and if I leave I will lose my children. Oldest DD really doesnt like me at the mo, and makes a big show of being "Daddy's girl" to upset me.

I think the trouble is that he has been so hot and cold over the lsat few yesrs with the kids, they seek his approval all the time.

It does hurt, as I have tried to be a good Mum - I can count on one hand the number of times he has taken them anywhere - literally.

I suggested to you in an earlier post that the cc limit should be reduced. Well done for making that move. However...the point you were trying to make obviously has fallen on your OH deaf ears! Like the others have said cancel that card altogether!! Your husband is costing you serious money on a daily basis and you need to put a stop to his spending in your name pronto!

I think that if you there is the slightest intention of walking away from your marriage that you must plan ahead - you do not want to be left with someone elses debt. And you must look after yourself for the sake of the children and you.


Looking from the outside in may be a blessing to help you see this situation more clearly and with out all the emotions clouding your judgement.