Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Wow and what do you see?

I see a hopeless situation. And a weak, stupid woman.

I'm sorry to all you good folks, as you have all offered good advice. I wont post anymore, as it is clear that I am unable to effect a solution, so will just bow out.

Many thanks again, take care.

The_Banker_5

julliff wrote: »

I see a hopeless situation. And a weak, stupid woman.

I'm sorry to all you good folks, as you have all offered good advice. I wont post anymore, as it is clear that I am unable to effect a solution, so will just bow out.

Many thanks again, take care.

Nooooooo keep posting please. I think you're fun.:D

Dinah93

Julliff everyone needs support at some time in their life, you're not getting it from your husband, so get it from the good people here. Some of the posters here are really inspirational, and I for one certainly don't think you are weak, it takes an incredable amount to walk away from a 10 year marriage, and I doubt anyone here could realistically say they could have just coldly done it no matter if it seems logical from an outsiders point of view.

Your situation isn't hopeless, but I think you need to go to your doctor, or to relate, because you clearly feel completely overwelmed, and rightly so. Your husband is a child without the benefit of being cute, at the rate he has spent over the last 2 days, that adds up to £4340 a month - so logically in about 4 or 5 days he'll have maxxed out the credit card, will be throwing a tantrum, and you'll need the support of people on here more than ever.

Out of curiosity, does he know how much hes spent on the card, and what the limit is?

bandraoi

Your husband, by the sound of it didn't like his previous job. 20 years with no progress? Then to be let go.
I'd say he feels about 1 inch tall, and probably deservedly so, since he seems to be enjoying wallowing in a vat of childish self pity. The constant e-bay surfing, the refusal to learn how to drive, the lack of job hunting may also be ways of delaying the return to working in a job type he hates.

Maybe, instead of just looking for a new job, you should both try to work out what he would actually like to do and how he can go about doing it. Develop a new plan, that's a bit more detailed then simply find a new job.

A bit of hope about a brighter horizon might motivate him to stop wallowing.

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

I see a hopeless situation. And a weak, stupid woman.

I'm sorry to all you good folks, as you have all offered good advice. I wont post anymore, as it is clear that I am unable to effect a solution, so will just bow out.

Many thanks again, take care.

Ughh, just lost my post :mad: why does that happen?

Julliff, will rewite tomorrow. Take care hun and good nite.

JoolzS

Just leave him. Take your kids and get out. You can obviously work and support your family - you've been doing it for years!

Julie

ema_o

Julliff, please don't feel you can't post. If you keep asking for advice hopefully someone will come up with a suggestion that will help you. I can see you would prefer to avoid conflict with your OH so most of the suggestions above will be really hard for you as they will definitely cause conflict.
You definitely need support from someone, as Dinah suggests possibly relate or your doctor, or a close friend. If it was me I would go to a friend first. I hope that someone will be able to help you feel as if you can talk to your husband about all this.
Whatever happens you do need to talk to him, if you let things continue like this you will just continue to be miserable. If you do talk and explain how serious things are there is a chance you could work things out, there is also the chance you can't but either option would make you happier than you are now (in the long term, I'm not saying splitting up would be easy).

Try not to worry so much about your relationship with your daughter, at 14 it is totally normal to be a complete brat (no offense, just speaking from my own experience lol!). She will come around, it might just take a while, but you won't lose her for good.

Sorry if some of this is a bit garbled, didn't have long to post!
Em xx

julliff

Hello,

And thank you all for your encouragement.

I have suggested training courses. I said, why don’t you think about what interests you, and go get some training/qualifications. He has looked at a couple of web sites, but it hasn’t gone any further than that in 3 months. I said I would support him if he wanted to do some qualifications, and his redundancy money would keep us going for a while, if he did this.

I also suggested he learns to drive, as then he can apply for jobs that need a licence, or even in a location that isn’t on the bus route.

I have waited to see what he would do, and so far it is very little. I think he wants me to sort things out for him, but I am not doing that. Also, I feel that if I do, and then it doesn’t work out, he will be able to blame me for making him do whatever.

This morning, he got up from the bed, and immediately made a bid on ebay. So I said “Why are you doing that, spending money you haven’t got?”. Pretty much got the exact answer I would have guessed “It is only a small amount” followed by “It is my only pleasure left in life”

I answer to your questions Dinah73, not he doesn’t know that I decreased the credit limit, but he didn’t know what it was in the first place. He knows about the
£317 at the last statement, but I doubt he is keeping a tally since then.

He has started doing some DIY again though, so I suppose that is a small step forward.

It is hard to speak to him, he can make me feel so unreasonable. For example, a letter came for me from the school, and DD1 Rang me up to ask if she and her Dad could open it. I said yes, no problems. Turned out it was an invitation to a presentation evening. That was 2 days ago, and letter stayed on worktop. This morning, I asked OH if he wanted to attend, and he said “What presentation”. I said, well you must know because you opened the letter. He started to get angry then, like I was getting at him for no reason. Apparently, he didn’t read the blurby (his words). Well, anyway, he doesn’t want to come, and I am glad, because he always manages to be in a bad mood at these things, and spoils it.

I did have a friend I used to confide in here at work – we would chat at lunchtimes, but unfortunately, this person was made redundant. This was someone I have known for 10 years, so they do know me well.

Dinah93

Could you not call up the friend from work who was laid off, suggest they meet for a coffee so you can talk to them?

It's sad your daughter is so desperate for her fathers approval when he blatently doesn't care about anyone but himself. Tell him if he doesn't want to go, he has to tell her that.

MrsAnnie

I am pleased to see that you are still posting. Don't let the seemingly blunt and harsh comments put you off, they are all meant with the very best intentions (except for a small few that are flippant and sarcastic IMO - ignore these).


You are certainly not weak and by no means stupid. You are going through a very hard time and it can be so emotionally draining. Don't feel you have to make major decisions about your life in one go. Give yourself time to work through all the issues.

I think you have done pretty darn well since you first posted :T. You have reduced the cc limit (albeit it should be lower than £1000 ), you have taken your name off a joint account, you are standing up to your OH, you are coping with the dynamics of a teenager and you are trying to hold your family together while making some pretty tough decisions. This would be difficult even for the strongest person.


Why not take some time out just for yourself. Do something you enjoy. You seem to be taking care of everybody else and neglecting yourself. As they say, 'misery loves company' and your OH is making sure that he is not alone. Have some fun and let your OH wallow in his own misery.