Am I too controlling over money?

Primrose

juliff - having read through all these threads I can only say that I think it's about time you stopped making a doormat of yourstelf and forced your OH to grow up. You didn't cost him his job. That decision was made the management of his company and if his behaviour contributed towards it, that is his responsibility, not yours. Keep a separate account for your money and as he's proved irresponsible with money, don't let him have access to it. Let him take responsibility for finding out his new pin number. I would have an attack of forgetfulness on this issue! You have only six weeks before you have no income coming in. That is a serious issue and he needs to start acting like an adult and taking responsibility for his life. If this is how he treats his marriage, I also think that perhaps you need to start asking yourself whether this is the kind of behaviour you want to put up with for the rest of your life. Cut off his income stream now completely and tell him to get out there and start looking for a job. Yes, things are difficult, but marriage is a partnership and if he's not prepared to pull his weight, you'd probably be better off leaving him to paddle his own canoe. I would sit down with him and have a very serious conversation about how he needs to start acting like an adult and taking an equal share of responsibility for your domestic finances. If he's not prepared to do this, it's time to start asking yourself some serious questions about your future.

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

Thanks for your support.

It is so difficult and hearbreaking - DD2 is sooo excited about the holiday - she keeps making up presentations on her computer to show us - things to do on holiday etc. We have been taking this type of holiday for many years, so it has a level of ecpectation - a bit like Christmas. Does your DH want to go? Will you have a good time with so much bitterness between the two of you? Can you not take your children on this holiday by yourself?

DD1 will just hate me, as she is such a daddys girl. Hate you for what? I bet she would rather have a happy single mum, than a sad and resentful one. If you did split up, then I am sure you would sit down with you DDs and explain why you have made the choices you did - understanding will come in time.

I am scared I will lose everything and everyone. This feeling will pass. If you plan in advance you will not lose everything. And everyone, I presume you mean friends and family, they I am sure will rally around you and be more supportive then you anticipate.

I just keep thinking I am a bad person, and a rubbish wife and mother. I didnt mean to make so many mistakes - I think I was trying way too hard. You certainly don't come across as a bad person. A failing marriage doesn't make you a bad person. Perfect marriage are for the story books - not for the real world. You will get through this turmoil and you will probably come out stonger on the other side. Feelings must be raw right now and you are being torn between what society say you should do and what your heart is telling you - don't let others determine your life and your haapiness.

Comments in red.

julliff

Hi all,

I am feeling a bit stronger today. I am back at work, and actually feel happy to be here. It is a shame that feel so uncomfortable in my own home.

Re yesterday – yes, I made a huge mistake trying to be intimate with OH. The humiliation was crushing, and so I have decided it will definitely NOT be happening again. I also thought about what I have been thinking about making an effort – well it has to come from both doesn’t it? I can’t do it on my own, so I am going to give up trying. I need to give myself some self respect. Doesn’t really matter what I do, because in his warped mind, I am always the baddie.

Re – does OH want to go on holiday. I would say this is a yes. Our annual holiday is a really big deal for us. Also, we have friends who we visit, and they think the un shines out of his you-know-what. Also, he can’t be seen to be the bad guy. I could easily do the holiday without him, as I organise everything, and I do all the driving. Really, the only useful thing OH does is carry the luggage! I don’t think the kids would come if HE wasn’t coming.

I know kids love their Dads, and it is right that they do so, but I also wonder if they feel like I do, that they are at fault, and need to keep trying.

Yesterday, when kids came home from school, I was upstairs, and OH came up and said “Dad said shall we go out for dinner tonight.” I agreed, but is was painful. OH has started drinking again, and had had a bit before we went out. I said, where do you want to go “Don’t care” was his reply. So I asked kids and of course they both said different things (as kids do). OH gets irritated and says “It shouldn’t be this hard to go out for something to eat.” I want to scream at him “well, it was your idea, so why not come up with something”. But of course I didn’t, because I don’t want to distress kids. Anyway, OH was like a black cloud, it was not fun.

Afterwards DD1 said to me “I can smell the alcohol on Dads breath. He always gets in a mood when he drinks. I hate it.”

He is a loser, isn’t he? Am meeting up with good friend today, so another reason I feel really cheerful. Hope she is in a listening mood.

Oh, yes. I looked up passive-aggressive, and was really shocked to see how well it fitted my husband.

Hope I stay feeling this strong. Thank you all so,so much for your comments. When you are on the inside, you do feel like you are the problem, so it is nice to get outside views and advice:T:T

Dinah93

Yey - you seem so much stronger and more positive today, really proud of you!

DD1 clearly sees clearer than you give her credit for, if hes drinking again shes not going to pick him over you, children like stability. Yes when you tell her she can't go to a party, or shes too young for that skirt she might well mouth off that dad would let her, or she hates you and loves her dad, but at the end of the day thats just how kids are.

I always thought my friends loved my ex, but after we broke up quite a few came forward and said 'oh he was a lot of fun, but we could never see why you were with him, he wasn't reliable and he used you'!

And yep, he's a complete loser who I can't imagine anyone has any respect for, and I'm so chuffed you see that and happily admit it!

MrsAnnie

It is great that you are having a better day Julliff :j

Won't go on about your worries, just enjoy your day!

BTW...Have you ever read any of John Gray's books, Men are from Mars Women are for Venus series (one book is called Why Mars and Venus Collide, which is good). They are a easy read and are very enlightening on the difference between how the men and women act in relationships. They have got me through many a tough times!

julliff

Hi All

I don’t know how other people stay so strong.

Yesterday, when I got home OH was in front room watching tv. Looked asleep, so I just got on and made dinner. Then I had to go out shopping to get ingredients for DD2 cookery. DD1 was at her dance class.

When I got back, OH was still watching TV, so I went into back room and played crash bandicoot with the girls. I did make OH a cup of tea, (and his dinner). Then I went upstairs for a lie down.

Anyway, I was back in work at midnight, to do an upgrade. When I got home, OH was in bed but awake.

This morning OH came down, and was really quiet with us all. When I went upstairs, DD1 asked what the problem was. His reply was “I am fed up of being on my own”

Now I am starting to feel sorry for him, and guilty that I didn’t speak to him. I wish I was more ruthless. Like he is.

Oh, and he is still spending on ebay. I need to tell him that he needs to pay last months bill, not looking forward to that.

Dinah93

Tell him the bill needs paying, so he needs to find money. You'd suggest a job, he'll get lots of social interaction there too.

He's manupulating you love, you did all these things for your family last night, ever think to point out to him that if he'd helped you it would have been done in half the time and you could have had some time spare to spend with him?

I'd be interested to see what he says to the bill. My bet is he won't pay it, so you will, as its in your name and you won't want to hurt your credit rating. Has he hit the limit yet and yelled at you about that?

ema_o

He is definitely manipulating you. Him being on his own was his choice, he could quite easily have come and joined you shopping, making dinner or playing with the girls. Or he could have suggested you do something together if he was really bothered.
Please try and stop feeling guilty, you have done nothing wrong!! He has no right to make you feel guilty and small, unfortunately it sounds like he has a lot of practice and also by making you feel bad the attention is less on why he is not getting a job / doing things around the house / paying the credit card bill.
Em xx

SuziQ

Give him total responsibilty of his own money. Not earning any-then he can't spend any! It sounds like a pretty wierd relationship to me as neither of you respects the other,your comment that he blames you for his redundancy and that he can't be bothered to remember his pin sums it up for me. He needs to grow up-and you need to decide whther you still want to be with him if he ever manages to do so!

julliff

ever think to point out to him that if he'd helped you it would have been done in half the time and you could have had some time spare to spend with him?

Well, I didn’t say anything like that because I don’t want to spend any time with him.

Really, he is just got a skewed view of things.

He mentioned Saturday night - well, I went out with DD2 to the musical. He would not have wanted to go to that. I have spent so many years not doing stuff because he wont, so now I am just going to do them. When I used to invite him, he would come and then moan and sneer, and totally ruin it for me.

Sunday was my Mums birthday, so we popped over to see her. I invited OH, but he said he couldn’t as he had a friend coming over – who didn’t then show up.

Monday was a horrendous day when we were both at home avoiding each other. That was the day I mad a pass, and was rejected – his choice. Went out Monday evening, and he was a complete downer.

Anyway, if he was fed up with being alone, why didn’t he seek us out in the back room? Door was open. I feel that he always wants folk to run around after him, and make him feel important.

As for the bill – I have a funny feeling he will say I should pay it out of his redundancy money. If that is the case, then I shall. He can take it and squander it for all I care. I will provide for the kids and myself. As the song goes “I’ll sail this ship alone”.

I have tried and tried with this. Honestly.