Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Well,

I think I am going round in circles here, or being led a merry dance.

On Friday, I came home from work, and OH said “Can you come here”. Well, I did, and he gave me a big hug, He said nothing and nor did I. After that he made me some lunch, and then I went to sleep (as I had worked the night before).

He has also told DD2 that he IS coming on holiday with us in August, although on Thursday he said we should go without him.

I am speaking to him, as I don’t want a horrible atmosphere, but I don’t know what he is doing or planning.


He has not apologised for calling me that horrible name and being totally vile, nor has he said that he will try to change re looking for a job etc etc.

I don’t want to rake over everything all over again, as I am emotionally drained, but I am totally confused. I think it is really unfair on the kids too, as he insisted on telling them there and then (and it was his suggestion that we split, although I readily agreed) on Thursday evening, and now he is acting like it did not happen.

He is still moody as well.


My head is all over the place. I dont know whether this is all another "tactic"

Emmzi

julliff wrote: »

Well,
My head is all over the place. I dont know whether this is all another "tactic"

i think you do know, or you will once you have rested.

Remember - actions count, words don't.

julliff

Thanks.

After last week, I dont know whether I can actually put my kids through that again- the whole thing was totally harrowing.

I'm not even sure if my OH really remembers Thursday that well - he had been drinking (which does not make it any better). However, I think he told the kids in "spite". I could be wrong, but he did seem to want to lash out.

Another thing, is (and I cant believe I am saying this), I actually feel sorry for him.

What an idiot to go down to JC and end up getting thrown out, and struck off - I suppose this means he doesn't get any dole?? It just gets better!

BallandChain

It sounds as if he is playing mind games Julliff. You've said to the kids you are splitting up and now he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy. He is very manipulative and if he shows himself to be in a good light in front of the children he can make you feel guilty while pointing the finger and saying, "Look it's your mum, not me!"

Have you seen this pattern before? I know you said he hasn't been physically violent but I think it is just a matter of time, especially as he drinks. He has been manipulative, lazy, spends money you don't have, been verbally abusive and emotionally too. He thinks by being nice he is going to get his holiday (you did say it was the highlight of the family's year, or words to that effect) and he hopes your talks of splitting up are idle threats. He is getting worried now he has realised he will have to sort himself out if you leave. He'd rather carry on controlling you and manipulating the situation so he stays in his comfort zone. (i.e. jobless and spending your money on E-Bay.) Yes, it is your money he is spending as if he decides not to contribute to pay that debt off it will be down to you to pay it as the card is in your name.

Be strong Julliff, do not change your mind as he has not changed and as long as you are there to pick up the slack he will not change.

Dinah93

Julliff, he's woken up and realised which side his bread is buttered. Without you he has no money, or no house. You were so strong last week, he hasn't actually changed he's just put on a less pathetic front for you. If he wanted you back he'd be out there first thing tomorrow looking for jobs, not just giving a hug. See if he makes real changes and steps up to the plate and starts supporting his family, or if he's just sad his free ride has thrown him off.

elisebutt65

I've been reading this thread from the beginning and also the last posts you made abut this spineless bloodsucker - that's what he is!!

I have to say that there have been a few posts from you that have made me want to shake you and tell you to get your act together and throw him out!!! However, from previous experience, I also know that it wouldn't do any good and you have to come to the realisation of everything yourself. My ex OH was a bit like this - he had a job though - but it wasn't until we were married that he came clean with me about his £30,000 worth of debt:eek:. Then he eroded my self confidence. I stopped work to have my second son and he wouldn't let me go back to work as 'I was a useless unqualified person who couldn't even get a job in Tesco's' And I believed it eventually. Then there was the 'No-one else would fancy me as I was a fat ugly cow' and again I believed it. Then I had a phone call from his other gf :eek: I know nothing like that is going on but it was the trigger for me to wake up and smell the coffee (as they say) He refused to move out so I got myself a new BF, and took him on the holiday I had won to Oz instead and calmly informed he that he had until the time we got back to clear his stuff out and get lost! I also called his parents and informed them of everything that had been going on with him as they thought the sun shone out of his backside. They came and helped clear his stuff out whilst I was gone:D

I've now got a lovely degree and PGCE- quite hard to get whilst a single mum- the BF is still around and still as lovely:p but I'm not moving in even though it has been 5 years - I lke my own company to much now. All the debts were in OH's name, despite him trying to shift them over to me and the house is Council and in my name only.

Anyway, first thing I would do is pay off the c/card with his redundancy money and then cancel it. Then let him know by leaving a copy of the cancellation letter next to his PC. Is the EBay acc in his name or yours? If it's yours then I'd cancel that as well or if his, then make sure your c/card details and bank details are wiped from Paypal. If he definitly want to stay but live uptairs then make sure you make it uncomfortable as possible - leave him one cupboard for food and put padlocks on the rest - get him a mini fridge for his room and lock yours. Move everything like the TV upstairs and make youself a nice living area in your bedroom. If the PC is his then take that in lieu of bills that need to be paid by him. Make sure that you have enough to pay the bills and then give him back his redundancy money in that account you were going to take your name off and just bill him every month for rent and bills - get a rent book for him as well.

Do not fall for his mindgames - you offered him s*x and he turned you down - you are not to blame in that department!. You are a good mother - teenagers will always find a reason to say 'I hate you!" The fact that you care proves it! Ignore his plaatitudes - you know as soon as you give in he will go right back to square one, only your bank account will be poorer for it!

This may all sound a bit harsh but he is a bloodsucking emotional vampire! I hate people like this of either sex - they get some kind of weird satisfaction and the more stressed out and weary you get, the better they feel!

julliff

Hi All

I think you may all be right, and I am trying to stay strong.

this morning OH said, sit down. When I did he said "what are we doing?". I simply said "We are being amicable" and then got up and continued getting ready for work.

Part of me feels that maybe I should sit down with him and discuss stuff, but then I feel like he will just use it to either:

make me feel guilty, especially over the kids;
make me feel sorry for him;
try to make me angry, so that he can get angry too;

etc

Like you all are saying, actions speak louder then words, and so far there has not been much (he didn't buy on ebay all weekend).

The other thing is, even if he DOES make an effort, I dont know if I feel the same anymore. I dont know if I ever will. DD1 asked me if I loved OH, and I just said I didn't know.

Thje ebay account is in his name.

And yes, the holiday is a REALLY big deal in our family. In fact, before this all blew up, I said to OH "we will need to budget on this holiday, as our circumstances have changed." (Usually we spend with impunity ). You can guess his reply "Well that ain't going to happen". GRRRR - you have to MAKE it happen.

Dinah93

LOVE how you handled him trying to sit you down for a heart to heart!

I think you are very intellegent to consider if you actually want him back even if he makes an effort, don't do anything because 'he deserves it', you need to put your well being first, so only do things that you want to.

MrsAnnie

TBH I think he is playing mind games. Maybe he doesn't really know what he wants, and he is afraid to loose you and the security that comes with the marriage. But he seems to be putting in very little effort to salvage it. A hug and a no-spend Ebay weekend is too little too late IMO.

Don't fall for any of his half hearted efforts. You are feeling sorry for him because you are in the habit of being the person that always comes to rescue. Stay stong and lay down the boundaries.

I think that breaking up and still living together doesn't really go hand in hand. Not sure if there are other options in your situation?

julliff

Hi All,

We had another conversation today, and OH is defintiely moving downstairs.

Again, he tried to ask me what my beef is, but this time in a softlly, softly way.

I didn;t want to get drawn in, as I knew he would make me feel that I am unreasonable - and he succedeed. He even said, "if there were a third person sitting here, they would think I was a righ bar steward, which I am not."

Also, he asked me what the turning point was for me, and I told him it was when he said I lost him his job. He said the turning point for him was when DD1 told me that he had said if he and I split up it would be DD1s fault and I believed her over him. He said he would never do that, and I should know it. I think that is called deflection.

Anyway, he says lets keep it friendly, so I will. I said he could still come on holiday with us, as I dont want to deprive the kids of a Dad for the holiday.

I am in trouble now, bcause DD1 rang up to say she would be late (I said no, but she assumed yes),and he told her off becuse he didn't know about her ringing up. I did apologise for that.

Oh, yes,and when I mentioned about him calling me a c*nt, he said it wasn't that bad, not as if he had punched me in the face!!

I must admit, I am left wondering if I am being harsh. When Isaid about the financial resposibility, he said,well I do all the DIY - which is true.

Am I unfairly tearing my family apart?