Am I too controlling over money?

Emmzi

julliff,

keep reminding yourself. actions, not words. You can't say it enough.

he's talking up a storm.

he's *doing* !!!!!! all.

you need to get him out, or get the kids and you out. your health is more important than any amount of money.

julliff

Thanks - that is what I thought,

I am not sure how long I can last out with the barrage of stuff OH is throwing at me:

Kids – why am I prepared to do this to THEM? They are suffering etc etc

Him – he is not a bad man. He is still the same person he was likes beer and listening to music. I feel that he is trying to get me to say that I am the one that has changed, so the it can be all my fault because he is the same as he ever was (not actually true as he is so much more moody now).

All his conversations feel like a trap. To put me on the defensive.

At one point he asked me if he could buy me out of the house. I said, well not without a job. So he said, but if I could get hold of x thousands of pounds, could I? I wondered if he is trying to scare me, by implying that I will be out, and the kids wil be with him. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to lose them either, so that is understandable. I think I need to speak to a solicitor, as I don’t know where I stand.

Or maybe I should just back down, for the kids sake. I can;t bear to see them suffering.

Sorry to keep coming back to this thread, but I don’t know what else to do.

Emmzi

come back as often as you like.

Call his bluff. Get a valuation done. Now.

Sure, he can buy you out. Get an estate agent out. Ask them what they'd value it at. Value - mortgage = equity. Ask for half of it on top of him taking on the mortgage.

Information is power; time to start working out what everything is worth and how you are going to split things. Hope you have paid off and cancelled credit card btw...

julliff

Hello All

Well, I am pleased to say things are more peaceful at home now. OH is not on at me, and we are being courteous to each other. I really need the calm.

MrsAnnie

Pleased to hear you are having a peaceful day today, but sorry that it has been so up and down for you.


As for your question about your DD's 'Are you prepared to do this to them?' Aren't they suffering by living in a house were there is constant conflict? Yes, by splitting up they will suffer, but if they are given love, support and stability through the change the suffering is will be shortlived. But, by living in a household that is constantly on edge waiting for the next fallout, the suffering is indefinte, and will become the norm.

Maybe you have changed, but consider that the change is for the better not worse. You are refusing to be the doormat that he has become use to - that is a good thing.


If you can afford to buy him out then investigate this route. Don't let him bully you out of the house. You have as much right to be there as him. If he can get ahold of £x,000 of pounds, then where is it when were is it when the cc bills need to be paid. I think he is just playing you. Any man that wants to oust his wife out, is no man. My ex tried to do this to me, I agreed until I found out that he was moving his mum in once me and my DDs left :eek:. I promptly decided I was going to buy him out and made sure that happened.


Don't let your OH place so much guilt and responsibility on your shoulders - you don't deserve this treatment.

Dinah93

I think you need to be honest and admit your kids are going to be a lot happier in the long run, but yes its rough now. All they know is this, but once hes gone they will be so much happier in a house where they can relax. My OH parents stayed together for the kids as I've said before, at the time it was about 3 horrible months for all concerned, but he'll happily tell anyone who asks now that he is so glad they did it, as he felt a lot better afterwards as his mum was a much better person, and his dad actually spends time with them now, where before he buried himself in work so he wouldnt be at home arguing with his missus.

You have the kids, you'd get first dibs on the house, so see if you can buy him out.

He hasn't changed at all, and you can't stay for the kids because to be honest, they don't seem comfortable around him anyway sometimes, and that is heartbreaking.

Emmzi

don't educate your children to be satisfied with a loveless marriage with an idle partner. Teach them to be strong, independent adults with minds of their own.

julliff

Is it so wrong of me to expect more of him? As he sais, I am the same as I was – I like to listen to music and drink beer.

So what he is saying is that I married him, knowing that is what he liked, and so I cannot complain now.

As well, he was not so moody, miserable and unpredictable back then,


I did love him a lot – but it isn’t always enough, is it?

Dinah93

No love isn't enough, you need trust, respect, appreciation, and intimacy too. And eveyone changes throughout their lives, its not natural to expect otherwise.

Emmzi

yes, drinking beer and listening to music are exactly what a father's priorities to be.

*He* knew he'd have to change when he got you pregnant.

Now he can't be arsed.

It's all emotional bollox designed to guilt you into submission.

Let me know if you want reccomended reading to help you understand the manipulative games he is playing. It's pathetic in a grown man.