Am I too controlling over money?

scubaangel

Emmzi wrote: »

yes, drinking beer and listening to music are exactly what a father's priorities to be.

*He* knew he'd have to change when he got you pregnant.

Now he can't be arsed.

It's all emotional bollox designed to guilt you into submission.

Let me know if you want reccomended reading to help you understand the manipulative games he is playing. It's pathetic in a grown man.

My thoughts exactly, Im sure when you got married you were much the same, liked doing things for you, no kids to worry about, but when you got married you started doing things as and for yourselves as a couple, then the kids came along. You had to change to accomodate your marriage and then children so why can't he, its not like the children are new born he had more than enough time to get used to the idea!

These things mean people have to change, great he still has the same hobbies now as he did years ago....but he's not a carefree newly wed anymore he's an adult who through apparent laziness has refused to try to make his personal situation better after losing his job and carried on spending money as though he was working.

HalfaSixpence_2

I have been reading this thread and would just like to add a couple of things. One, don't have the 'big talk' as a one-to-one - it would be much better to have someone else sit in to see fair play. Ideally it needs to be someone neutral, or someone whom you both trust, like a Relate counsellor. But if that isn't possible, just have a friend with you. That way, the discussion can be anchored in reality, and he will not be able to phase you with manipulation and you won't have to worry that you are being too negative.

Secondly, someone mentioned the 'stuck record' technique but I don't think it has been explained. It is very powerful when you are afraid someone will wear you down. You decide on your 'sticking point' and just repeat that after everything you say. (OK, not everything<g>, but everything significant, which might seem like the start of caving in.) That keeps you safe.

So if the sticking point is 'We are not moving back in together', whatever you end up saying has that tagged on:

so 'Yes, I do wish we could be together for the kids - but we are not moving back in together'. 'I know that's how it makes you feel - but we are not moving back in together.'

It sounds silly, but it really works and stops you from being drawn into an agreement you don't want just because he is so good at playing on your feelings. Even if it is a conditional sticking point 'We are not moving back in together unless you really prove that you have changed' it will still work.

julliff

Hello All

Well the weekend is over, and I’m back at work.

My family had a big BBQ on Saturday, it is an annual event. On Saturday morning I asked OH if he was coming, and he said “I don’t know”
I got ready, as did the kids, and later I asked him again. (He was doing some DIY). He said, Oh, I didn’t know if you wanted me to come, and it could be awkward as we are not really speaking. I would like to come”

I said, I didn’t mind one way or another if he came, I was not excluding him. So he said that he would follow on later. Which he did. I must admit, I enjoyed myself, and just stayed away from him (I have a big family). Everyone was asking me if we had fallen out. I just avoided the question. I would have preferred for him not to go, as he has spoiled so may of my family gatherings in the past, and I can’t push aside the memories of how that made me feel. He did behave himself this time though. I suppose I am just thinking of the kids really.

I was out most of Sunday, so we didn’t spend a lot of time together. I just don’t know what comes next. I can’t make him leave, but if I leave, I will lose the kids. He is not really a bad dad, only sometimes. Sometimes he is a good dad, and they are hanging on to that. They also feel sorry for him. Even I feel sorry for him.
.

MrsAnnie

You are good mum, you are the money provider atm, you are the bill payer, you are the glue that is holding this family together, you are the one that is providing stability... the list could go on and on. But you are getting the very short end of the stick, because you are doing everything!

Just a thought - You may feel sorry for him, but I wonder does he feels sorry for you?

Dinah93

Next, you go to a solicitor. If the kids are going to be staying with you the only way to get him out is to start divorce proceedings, once assets are split he won't still be in the house. Do you know if you will be able to buy him out?

sarahs999

sorry - posted on wrong thread

Emmzi

Dinah is right. Next, the solicitor. Also you may want to look at rolo=polos thread, she has been a bit of an inspiration in a not totally dissimialr situation.

julliff

Hi All


You are right about seeing a solicitor.

Today has started out badly.

I saw on facebook that DD1 had put a couple of comments that included swear words. So I thought I had better speak to her. I didn’t shout at her, but said I didn’t think it was very nice, and she shouldn’t do it (I don’t swear).

She wanted to know how I found out, and she wore me down so I told her one of her (grown up) cousins told me. I said, it doesn’t matter who told me, that isn’t the issue. She started getting stroppy and ended up by saying

“Well, you may not be my parent for much longer, I may choose to go and live with Dad.”

That was like a knife through my heart. I just left the room. She followed me and said “Why aren’t you talking to me.”
I just asked her to leave me alone, because I know she is trying to wind me up (she did), and I was trying not to get drawn into yet another argument where I end up defending myself. I can’t decide whether she is just a chip off the old block (her Dad), or just being a thoughtless teenager.

Anyway, I am struggling with my feelings today, and how to deal with things. DD2 is going away this weekend, so I may go to sisters on my own ands leave DD1 and OH to it.

When I rang cousin, and told him what had occurred, he was good about it, but he did say – “You are so weak”, He didn’t mean it in a nasty way, but it is sooo true. He was referring to the fact that I said I didn’t shout at DD! Over swear words.

I am making a real mess of things. Struggling not to cry here at my desk.

ema_o

Oh Juliff, you are right she is trying to wind you up. If she says something like that when she is stroppy she is probably just being a teenager.
Saying that, she might actually decide to live with her dad, I'm not sure how much of a say in it she will get, but if she has the choice you have to be prepared that she might. Not trying to upset you but just being realistic.

Glad you called cousin and had someone to talk to but don't agree with him that you should have shouted at DD, shouting achieves very little with teenagers. Reading your post it looks as if you saw the swearing on facebook not her cousin (is that right), if so I was wondering why you told her it was the cousin?

Dinah93

She's just angry and lashing out as she sees you as being the cause of this. Have you made an appointment with the solicitor yet? I doubt she'd go to live with her dad, both your DDs seem to come to you rather than him, dads are always the good time guy, but its mums kids go to when they're sad/poorly/need support.