Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hello

Thank you all for your messages of support.

hippychick1 - I am so sorry to hear that you have had similar problems - I would not wish it upon anyone. I think my first thread gives much more of a feel of how my life has been.

I dont feel very strong. the main reason that I am going to see the solicitor is that I am terrified I am going to lose my kids. That said, I think DD1 will stay with her Dad - she is old enough to make a decision, and I am pretty sure she will choose him. I am heartbroken.

It doesn't seem to matter that he has been a less than ideal Dad - she will always take his side. Right now he is being the good guy - making dinner, taking her to the cinema, being reasonable & cheerful. Trouble is, I dont trust his motives.

I feel like my whole life is unravelling, and I am faced with a stark choice - leave, and lose at least one of my kids, or stay, and risk being manipulated and emotionally downtrodden.

If it werent for my kids, there is no way I would even consider staying in this place.

hippy chick1 - you are the brave one, and I hope you do what is right for you. Do you feel more peaceful now? How old are your kids? Are they happier now?

julliff

Also hippychick1

When I start to question myself about what I am doing, reread this thread, and my other thread, to remind myself what was going on.

That helps me not back down.

Maybe you should write sometthing down, so you dont start to doubt yourself.

msb5262

Juliff, I think if you do leave, you'll find your daughter will probably come with you. If she stays with her dad in the first place, it may well just be a short-term thing. Ideally what you need is for your OH to move out to give you some space; that way you can both spend time with the children and the dust will settle a bit. Have you thought about suggesting a proper trial separation?

hippychick1

Hi jullif

My kids are 6, 3 and 20 months, so they didn't really get much of a say in anything!! At the moment everything is very amicable, and my husband has them twice through the week, as I work late, and he usually comes over at weekends, and we have been going out as a family.

He really wants to get back together, and I have said we will see how things go. I'm not sure if I should have said this, as I am becoming more and more sure that I want to be on my own, whereas he now thinks that within a few months we'll be back together.

From what you have said, I honestly think you need to separate, like you say you are being manipulated and emotionally downtrodden. This is no way for someone to live. I cannot imagine what would have happened if my children were older, and one wanted to stay with their dad. It would tear me apart. If it were me in your situation I think I would still go ahead and split up, and just hope that your DD sees the light. I have absolutely no experience of teenagers, so really don't know what to say.

My children are quite happy really. My husband is in the army, and they're used to moving around, and their dad not always being there, so that has made the move a bit easier I think.

Since I have moved here, I am so much calmer. I love the fact that whatever money is in the bank is mine, and I'm not constantly checking what he has spent. For once I feel completely in control. I do have a thread on here somewhere, that I started about a year ago that details my ups and downs. I'm not really sure how to do a link, sorry!!

I hope the solicitor has positive information for you, this is such a difficult and emotional time, but things will get better. Feel free to PM me if you wanted to

Take care
HC
xx

julliff

Hi

Thanks for the replies

msb5262 = I would love a trial seperation. But, OH wont leave - he has no job, no JSA and nowhere to go.

My main question for the solicitor is that if I leave, will that be seen as me abanoning my kids?

I am scared that OH will get to stay in house, with kids, and I would end up paying for it all. Like he would present himself as the main carer (he has not been this).

Does that make sense?

Primrose

juliff - I think one of the questions you have to resolve in your own mind is how much of an emotionally strong parent you can be to your children while you are continually under this emotional pressure yourself. It's impossible to all things to all people and although it is not an immediate issue for you to confront, sooner or later your children will have grown up be leaving home and leading lives of their own. If you don't resolve the issue now, a large chunk of your own life will have passed, during which time you could have been working on your own financial stability and you may well ask yourself "why did I waste all these years?" It is very difficult for you when your OH refuses to move out and has no income, but as the main carer, I think you have the prime right to stay in the house on the grounds that your childrens' lives and their schooling needs should not be disrupted. Your OH has no such commitments to be disrupted.
I hope you got some helpful advice from your solicitor.

Dinah93

Is the appointment today? Best of luck and hopefully the solicitor can give you some reassuring news. No woman should be with a man who calls her names, and intimidates her. Even if DD1 does go with dad, I very, very much doubt she'd stay long since most mums take good care of the kids, quite a lot of men have a more 'fend for yourself attitude' - great fun for going to parties, none at all when you have no knickers to wear to school.

julliff

Hi All

Firstly, thank you all so, so much for the kindness and support you are giving me. I cannot tel you how much it means to me.


I am back from the solicitors, and I’m afraid it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

She recommended that I don’t move out. Basically, it is as I feared and if I do, he will, by default become the main carer. This will make things very difficult for me. I will still have to pay the mortgage, as he has no income, or the house will be repossessed. If I try to force him to sell, then as the main carer the courts will probably set it up so that he and the kids can stay there, somehow. He will also get a lot more of the assets when it comes to the divorce (I couldn’t care less, if I could have my children).

Well, that is not quite true, as I feel abit miffed that he will get a share of my savings, which was my “Spending money” – and he has already spent his

So, I am trapped. If the kids wanted to stay with me, then I would be in a better position. But DD1 is not my number one fan (I don’t really know why), and I can’t bring myself to ask DD2 to choose – it is just too unfair on her.

What gets me is that he has not put in one tenth of the effort as I have in parenting. He never wants to go to the school events, never sorts any of the school issues out, very rarely takes them anywhere. In fact, when the kids were little I NEVER, EVER got a break. He wouldn’t take them to the park, or the swimming pool etc etc. Always had an excuse. It was always me and my Mum – and my Mum doesn’t drive either!

I felt so low when I left solicitors office – I keep thinking if I died in the night, my torment would end. I am a complete coward.

skintchick

Juliff - I'm sure there are ways of siphoning off your savings to somewhere else. Lots of rich people do it before they divorce. Maybe a family member could look after it for you in their account? Just take it out in bits and pieces so it looks like you've spent it on, for example, solicitors or going out.

Dinah93

Julliff I think you just need to get this divorce sorted as quickly as possible, so that it is finalised and he has to leave as the assets will have been divided enabling him to have money to move somewhere else. Your daughter is angry at you at the moment, but over the course of the divorce I'd be suprised if she does not mellow when she sees that you need this.