Am I too controlling over money?

Minxy_Bella

Juliff, I haven't read all of the thread, I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say that 14 year old girls are superb at being horrible to their mums at the best of times. We're off on holiday today and my 15 year old has just snapped my head off for waking her up too early (so that she had time to pack) and for having the audacity to pack her hairbrush! The vemon in her voice was incredible....however, I didn't bite and just dismissed her comments and she's apologised. If I'd gone bonkers with her, it would have descended into a nuclear row which neither of us would have been willing to back down from.

Your girl is being perfectly normal for her age and species so please don't let her whittle you down, like her father has! She needs boundaries and for you to be firm in what YOU want and what YOU decide is going to happen. She will respect you for this in later life - you are her role model and you wouldn't want her to be trapped in a life that's unhappy, would you? What you do now will reverberate into how she approaches her own life, so be strong, be calm, reassure her that you love her unconditionally and help her find her PE kit or whatever and you both will come through this very tricky time. Trust me - she's kicking off because she hasn't got the life skills yet to handle anything vaguely tricky. I bet you she feels awful afterwards. Stick to your guns, honey!

lesley1960

julliff wrote: »

Hi All

I’m not having a very good day today.

I feel like my life is over. I will never be happy again.

I have been reading on the internet about how damaging divorce is to a teenager. DD1 is very angry, and hostile. I don’t think we will ever be the same again.

I have stopped allowing OH to manipulate me. Trouble is, now DD1 is doing her best to manipulate me. I don’t think I am strong enough to deal with all of this. I have lost her now anyway.

Thinking about my marriage – I am grieving for something which was mostly in my mind. I now realise that I was the only one trying to make a good life for us all – OH was just sitting back, and enjoying the ride. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had not also made me feel like I was in the wrong all the time. I know I am soft and weak, and so does he.


If it weren’t for DD2, I think I would just give up. I feel so desperate today – sorry for being so pathetic.

I have cancelled other credit card.

Divorce is hard on the children ( my parents divorced , when it wasnt a very common thing ) BUT what is more damaging is to see a mother ( or even father) being treated the way you have , your daughters could quite possibly grow up with a warped view of what is acceptable in a relationship . You havent lost your daughter , the chances are shes a difficult teenager and you would have '' lost '' her for a few years anyway . teenagers can be difficult at the best of times but she is going to have to learn that life isnt easy and she has to deal with it

julliff

Thanks for all of your replies. they are so supportive.

I just worry that I am causing DD1 to be more rebellious that she might otherwise have been. The latest thing now is that she wont eat (well, very little). Now, I don’t know whether it is another attention seeking/manipulation technique, designed to make me anxious and guilt ridden, or whether there is a problem.

She is slim, but not skinny.

It could be something to do with a boy, I suppose, but she is very secretive and does not talk to me about anything like that.

I can’t help feeling OH has made things worse because she has seen the way he manipulates people, and can now use the same techniques. He is also childish, so she can identify with him, and wants his approval.

She seems to have completely forgotten about his terrible mood swings, and the way we all had to !!!!!foot round him. He is being the good guy, for now.

Funny, I had a conversation with DD2 about how I always seem to be rushing around. I said it is because I am the only driver, and she said she had tried to persuade her Dad to learn to drive, but without any luck. Bless her. Been there, done that.

On a seperate note, my contract ends this week, so I cant really afford the £47 to go to relate. Thanks for the suggestion though.

tiff

I've just read this thread from the beginning and was hoping when I got to the end that he would have left the house.

You need to get him out, living together like this is dragging things out for everyone.

Is it possible to ask him to leave? Dont worry about where he will go, that is for him to decide. Do you have your Dad or a male friend who could be there when you have that conversation?

As soon as he leaves, your life will be more calm. DD1 can chose to live with him when he finds a place of his own but by then I doubt she will.

Did you not say earlier that your contract is to become permanent or did that fall through?

Dinah93

What about the savings you were gradually going to 'spend'? Can't think of a better justifiable spend than a little bit to go to Relate. What happened to the permenant job that meant you would be able to buy him out?

N.I.M

julliff wrote: »

Thanks for all of your replies. they are so supportive.

I just worry that I am causing DD1 to be more rebellious that she might otherwise have been. The latest thing now is that she wont eat (well, very little). Now, I don’t know whether it is another attention seeking/manipulation technique, designed to make me anxious and guilt ridden, or whether there is a problem.

She is slim, but not skinny.

It could be something to do with a boy, I suppose, but she is very secretive and does not talk to me about anything like that.

I can’t help feeling OH has made things worse because she has seen the way he manipulates people, and can now use the same techniques. He is also childish, so she can identify with him, and wants his approval.

She seems to have completely forgotten about his terrible mood swings, and the way we all had to !!!!!foot round him. He is being the good guy, for now.

Funny, I had a conversation with DD2 about how I always seem to be rushing around. I said it is because I am the only driver, and she said she had tried to persuade her Dad to learn to drive, but without any luck. Bless her. Been there, done that.

On a seperate note, my contract ends this week, so I cant really afford the £47 to go to relate. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I had a huge rant to post but it vanished.

I had my parents split when I was your DD's age and I can see a number of similarities in her behaviour to my own.

To cut a very long rant short, shes trying to manipulate the situation for her own gain, monetarily and otherwise. I'd cut her allowance for a month after the pocket money scam, I tried that one and never did again after my dad cut mine.

I blamed my dad for everything and now, a few years later on I know where the fault was and my father and I are closer than we were ever in my life.

The big one as I see it atm is her threat to go live with her dad. Let her go, offer to help her pack even. I promise you she will come crawling back once her stubbornness dies down. Might take a while but she will be back.

End of the day just be firm with her and send out a strong message that while you know whats happening isnt nice, you will not be manipulated by her over this.

Ask her if she wants to know what happened between you and OH, if she says yes then tell her, if not then she cannot complain that you have left him as she doesnt know what happened between you and how dare she demonise you without all the information.

Play her at her own game, she'll tire of it first as you have more life experience and more cards you can play on her.

If you want to ask me anything about how I delt with the issues I had/ how my parents got it right/wrong please PM me as I have no issue talking about it, especially if I can make it easier for someone else to deal with this kind of issue.

Brighton_belle

juliffe - nothing to add to the great support and advice - just want to keep adding mine, so you don't feel so alone. Keep posting!
And huge well done re the CC:T.
As for the £47 relate - I now it's a lot, but it is investing in you well being and I bet will get easily spent of the holiday on stuff you neither want nor need.

julliff

I would love it if he would leave – but he wont. He said – “I can’t leave as I have no job and nowhere to go”. He also is of the mind – it’s my house, why should I go?

Quite honestly, I don’t know how this situation can be resolved. He won’t go, but solicitor told me I should not move out either. What a mess! I agree totally that it is dragging things out – we cant really move forwards with our lives like this. I can’t buy him out until I get permie position.

Job – well I am at a large financial institution where things move slowly. So the job wont be offered to me until about end of August time. I am on holiday too, so I can’t really look for another contract to fill in. I am trying to build up some money to last me over the summer. It coincides with the school holidays too.

I have moved some money around – I suppose I could use some for Relate. I just get a bit worried as I need money for over the summer, and for the holiday. I guess I am just used to not spending money on myself.

I know it seems very feeble, but it is not in my nature to be hard hearted (no matter what OH might say), so apologies to all you good folk who are probably exasperated!

Thank you all as well for the feedback on teenage girls. It helps me keep things in proportion.

Brighton_belle

juliffe - don't fear exasperation - that' spart of your 'feeling rubbish about yourself'. Although I can not speak on anyones else behalf - I haven't picked it up any from anyone and certainly don't feel that myself. It is really really hard to be in your situation and to be exhasuted, and run down by it all and have a husband who continues to wear you down.
We'll keep offering the same advice I expect, but in a supportive and undrstanding way, knowing it's not us that actually has to do it but you.

Many of us I suspect have been thruogh similar feelings of despair as you are at the mo, so know how ghastly it is and that ultimately, by taking the impossible and scary step, we eventually did find the freedom to be ourselves and found happiness once more.

Talking things out as you are doing with us, can in itself help you clairify things in your own mind and help you decide what steps have to be taken and give you the courage to do it.

Dinah93

I really think you need to do this for your mental health Juliff. If you got a tummy bug on holiday and were sick and needed antibiotics, would you begrudge yourself that prescription? You need to think of your mental health in the same way, right now you're feeling off your game, down and helpless, you need some help to feel like you again. Just because this comes from another person rather than a pill doesn't make it any less nessisary.

Make it very clear before the holiday both to your ex and to your daughters that this is NOT a 'making it work' holiday, you have made your decision. A bit of sun through the rose tinted glasses and an awful lot of us seem to go doolally from the suntan lotion fumes and say things we later regret.