Am I too controlling over money?

tesuhoha

Do you have much equity? Is it possible to sell the house and split the proceeds. You could then as a wage earner hopefully buy a flat or a house and he could do what he wanted and your dd1 could go with him. This would be beneficial in many ways for you.

I think its a good idea to cut her pocket money and tell her that you cannot afford to pay it any longer. If she says its nothing to do with her then say fine, but its going to stop anyway.

If you are splitting up you cannot go on living together indefinitely. Maybe you should make his life uncomfortable so that he no longer wants to live with you. But don't you go leaving. Your dd1 will come running back to you once the reality of living with him sinks in.

Emmzi

after the hundreds he's!!!!ed away on ebay, you can afford £50 for yourself. You need a sounding board. Go get it!

elisebutt65

After the pocket money thing I would cut her off completely and tell her to get a paper round!

My DS1 has had a round since he turned 13 last year - To be fair I still pay him £5 a week as well as the £17 he earns, but that is subject to conditions - i.e. chores and behaviour.

Littlie gets £3 a week and he really works hard for it - his main job is doing the recycling and rubbish everyweek for me - great little organiser and separates everything:D

Back to topic - I'm a single mum now and my sons are 14 and 9 - I kicked ex to the kerb about 5 years ago now after finding about/getting phone call from his other SO:mad: He didn't want to go either - saying it was him name on the rent book as well - but after a few weeks of no cooking or laundry services etc he soon saw the error of his ways and moved in with her whilst I took kids to Oz.

All is really amicable now - he has littlie at the mo'. I do have to blackmail him every month re. access so I get maintenance off him - but that's nothing new! He got DS2 a phone so he can text and call him whenever he wants. The first year was tricky but we got over that once the paperwork on divorce was done:o

julliff

Hi All

Thanks for your replies – some of them even made me laugh out loud.

I am just so exhausted with everything. I don’t know how much more “fight” I have left in me.

I gave DD2 a lift to her friends house this oning, on my way to work, as it is raining. I asked her if DD1 says much about me, and she told me that DD1 says she hates me. That was sooo upsetting. I know she is a teenager and all, but I am feeling more than a little battle weary just now.

Well, I am afraid I did start to cry, and lost control a bit. I said to DD2 that I felt so hurt because she sucks up to her Dad, even though he has NEVER taken them anywhere, swimming, park etc, and she has forgotten all the unreasonable behaviour such as getting angry and moody if the Sky wasn’t paused if he left the room.

As soon as I said it I regretted it. Poor DD2, I don’t want her to be in the middle of all this. She is an absolute delight – a word used frequently in her school report, so not just my biased opinion.

I texted her and asked her to forgive me, and she texted back to say she did, and that she loves me! That text is like gold to me – I can’t stop looking at it. My eyes are welling up now, which is not good as I am in a huge office.

DD1 has been writing stuff on her Facebook like “I miss the happy times”, and “I feel so cr*p”. Now these are not for my benefit, as she doesn’t know I can access the pages.

What right do I have to put my happiness and wellbeing before my childrens?

OH is doing stuff at home – cooking, a small amount of DIY. He has also stopped spending or even looking at ebay. Maybe I should just be grateful with that!


I will look into getting a relate appointment. Thanks

Dinah93

You shouldn't settle, he's still not making any attempt to get a job or face up to the fact that you now have no money coming in at all. Phrase moving the deckchairs on the titanic springs to mind. When is the family holiday? I still think its a terrible idea to go, as you will find it tiring and destroying to be in the middle of it all the time. Do you have any friends or family you could go stay with on your own for 3 days before hand?

You can't spend your life with a man you don't love or respect to keep the peace. And lets face it your DD is always going to be a teenager right now, she'll be a pain no matter what. DD2 is younger and isn't making this about her, shes a lot more accepting, I think you are trying to write all the wrongs of teenagers, when in fact they're just hormonal, self-obsessed and generally moody. That could have been my facebook page at that age (if it had been around!), my parents didn't divorce but I was still sullen, depressed and no one understood me!

I'm really angry with your DD1 to be honest, and wish I could give you a hug, as you seem to be lacking a support network outside of your daughters, and you could really use a friend to help you through this and tell you its okay when you feel selfish for doing this. Because it IS OKAY TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU it doesn't mean you love your daughters any less, simply that you put some value on your own life too. Please, please don't go back because DD1 stropped enough now, firstly she is going to settle for second best in any future relationship because thats what she saw her mum do, and secondly in the short term shes going to know if she is difficult enough she'll get her own way. I think you need to stand up to her and give her a few harsh words on how not everything is about her, this is actually a difficult time for you too, you have been desperately unhappy and ask her does she not think you should be allowed to be happy too?

Seraphseven

julliff wrote: »

Hi All

I asked her if DD1 says much about me, and she told me that DD1 says she hates me. That was sooo upsetting. I know she is a teenager and all, but I am feeling more than a little battle weary just now.


DD1 has been writing stuff on her Facebook like “I miss the happy times”, and “I feel so cr*p”. Now these are not for my benefit, as she doesn’t know I can access the pages.

I will look into getting a relate appointment. Thanks

Hi Juliff

Just wanted to add my input for what it's worth,

There was a period in my teenage years where we had recently moved 160 miles away from all of our family and friends and my parents had a bit of a rough patch this caused me to occassionally verbally lash out at people around me. One example was there had been flooding and the school bus had been cancelled, all of my friends had the day off but my dad dropped me into school anyway, 5 minutes after he dropped me off he received a message in which i told him i hated him, of course i didn't mean it and we have a laugh at how ridiculous it all seems now but at the time i was just scared and that's what caused me to be like that.

A lot of people love the attention that facebook statuses can bring, I wouldn't worry everyone goes through the teenage angst stage as long as you continue to be supportive, once she matures, she will fully understand your decision and most likely feel embarassed at how she behaved when you were so vulnerable.

With regards to the fella, at the moment it sounds like he thinks you are just being stubborn and will give in and take him back eventually so I have to agree with everyone that financially speaking you need to cut him off, Obviously you have cancelled any card he has access to, I would seperate your finances completely, Take any money he owes you out of the redundancy pay dump the rest into his account and tell him that he is now responsible for his own life, Including food, washing and if she wants it (for now) DD1.

He'll soon realise that a) he needs to get off his !!!! and get a job b) he needs to start taking better care of his finances and c) you are no longer a pushover but a strong willed person who is no longer going to take any crap.

And if that doesn't work just give me five minutes alone with him :rotfl:

MrsAnnie

Some how, some way you need to stop fighting and start looking after yourself. Your are bearing way too much responsibility for everyone else and sacraficing your own wellbeing.

This is where Relate or something similar will help you gain perpective and start you on the journey to happiness.

consultant31

I've not posted on here before, in fact just found the thread earlier today. I've read all of it (though admit to skimming some, it's very long) and I have to say I feel so sick for you juliff. It's such a sad story!

Your husband has obviously seen some of the error of his ways, but it seems to be far too little and certainly far too late. Your elder DD is just scared so I really wouldn't worry too much or be too upset, she will come round as she matures a little. You need to just keep letting her know how much you love her and that, as her Mum, you always will love her. That was an excellent post from N.I.M and should give you some insight into how it feels from the teenager's angle.

Your younger DD does indeed sound a wonderful child and no doubt she will help her sister to see things from a different perspective.

I think, as everyone else seems to, that once the holiday is over you need to start thinking about yourself.

I really wish you all the very best and I'm sure things will work out for you eventually. Keep your chin up

julliff

Thank you alll for your kind words.

Things are about as bad as they could be.

this evening was in my room with DD2, talking about holiday. DD1 came in and said she cant sleep and cant eat. she said she feels bad all the time, like everything she does is wrong.

I said thatbeing a teenager is a scary time, and you can feel like this. she then said "OH, I told my friends you would say that - you just dont listen. They are all saying I am depressed, and you are just no taking it in.

She said she doesn't want to come on holiday with us, and wants to be alone all the time.

I dont know what to say to her- she said you have made a decisio, and I have got no say.

DD2 then got upset and went into her room crying. After DD1 left I went into DD2s room. She is so upset, and says she just wants to be happy, but she cant be becasue no-one else is happy. My heart is breaking - for both of them.

I just cant do this.

I watched a film with her later, and I just couldnt stop crying. I am crying as I type this.

The pain is unbearable. I wish I could die.

BitterAndTwisted

This is a horrifically difficult time for you but you really are a Titan. You've been shouldering a massive burden completely on your own for a long time and I admire you hugely for it.

I completely understand your daughters' fear and worry about what might happen. I'm sure neither of them really hate anybody or anything: it's purely an expression of their fear and uncertainty about the future. It must be awful for them, their world is about to be turned upside-down and it's natural for them to see you as the cause of it but keeping the status quo will be much worse for you and the girls long-term.

You need some support and I sincerely hope you find some. A good rant and a cry and some detached advice at Relate sounds like a splendid idea.