Am I too controlling over money?

tiff

I fear for Juliff's mental health and worry that this will all come to a head at some point.

Dont stop posting Juliff, someone will always be here for support whatever you decide to do, it doesnt matter if you take people's advice or not. Do what is right for you, but dont forget you have online friends to turn to x

julliff

Hi All

Many thanks for all of your postings.

Dinah and msb5262 - I completely understand and respect what you are saying. It must be really exasperating that you offer me good advice, and then I continue going round in circles.

As I said, you have all been a mountain of strength to me, and I continually read and reread all the postings, and gather strength from them. So thank you both for everything,

I guess I am just not strong enough to follow all that good advice.

As for the holiday - I have to go as without me, there would not be a holiday. It is an American Road trip, which covers a vast area. I usually cover 2000 - 3000 miles. I usually cone back needing another holiday! This time though, I am not going to tie myself in knots, and will only do as much driving as I want to.

I know I have done way too much, and taken on all the burdens of this family. I am going to say no more often, and take care of myself more. Next week, I will not be in work and am planning to:

Go to Relate;
Get legs waxed at a salon (I usually do this myself to save money)
Get lashes tinted
Spend time with my friends and family (my sisters)


I am aslo not going to be a pushover - hope DD1 & DD2 will see a stronger woman. I am working on some boundaries. I am not backing down - OH is still downstairs - I am just not taking things any further just now. I like having thre bedroom to myself - it is my space now.

tiff - Yes, it may cone to a head at some point - but if it does, I will know that I could not have done anymore.

hippychick1

I don't blame you for trying to work things out. Now that things have got quite bad between you, maybe he will realise what he nearly lost. Or maybe not. But that's the point, you don't know till you try.

Good luck

glossgal

You have to do what you feel is right OP, we can give all the advice in the world but if you don't have it in you to act then it will always fall on deaf ears I fear

I like others will wish you all the best. I cant help feeling that you are removing yourself from the responsibilities of being an adult who makes tough decisions by 'hiding behind' your children and embroiling them in decisions that are no place of theirs because you maybe don't have the strength to stand by your convictions. I genuinely do not mean this in a nasty way and hope it might give you some perspective. They will not thank you for it I promise you, I never did and didn't aprpeciate having my personality altered for life by being around my moody, sullen father! but that's another story...

That aside, I really do hope you find some kind of peace whatever the outcome x

Brighton_belle

juliffe - I like the sound of you working on putting boundaries in place - this is a very good next step. You are worth this. And when they are in place and you've got used to them, maybe you'll be able to put a few more in.
I understand what it can be like to be overwhelmed, and sometime small steps are the way forward. So please keep posting and telling us about the boundaries you are putting into place every day:T.I think the 'no more joint account' is excellent: WELL DONE.

BitterAndTwisted

I suffered from stress, anxiety and depression some years ago and an expression of it was that I'd go constantly round and round in circles in my mind, too anxious and fearful to see the problem in its proper perspective and too depressed to take action. This is precisely what your posts are reminding me of. Please, PLEASE see your GP and drag yourself to Relate. Some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication might help give you some respite so you can get this sorted in your mind and form a sensible strategy about how to get this whole dreadful situation fixed.

Spending good money on an over-land road-trip in the US when there's no prospect of any wages coming in is really flipping rash, to put it mildly. I wouldn't countenance it, myself. That huge amount of money would be better spent on you seeing a counsellor in my opinion.

elisebutt65

Brighton_belle wrote: »

So please keep posting and telling us about the boundariejs you are putting into place every day:T.I think the 'no more joint account' is excellent: WELL DONE.

I agree - well done so far - now you need to think of some such as;
No more Credit Cards
No more Ebay
No more cooking/cleaning/chauffeuring for OH
Letting Mum have 'me time'

I can't believe that you're doing a Road Trip and he doesn't drive - You're going to be exhausted!!!! Where are you starting and ending or isn't that set in stone yet? Let me know and I can possibly give you some idea for 'girlie' stops - Spas, shops and massages etc;)

I am soo glad, reading these posts that I have boys!!! I was a horrible teenager and could hold a resentment for weeks:rotfl:. My boys just tend to strop off and then it's done and dusted.

The girls need boundaries as well and you need to treat them like kids not shoulder's to cry on as this will impact on your relationship with them. Have fun with them and let them come to you with their problems but do not talk to them about your worries - that's what fellow adults are for. Remember all teenagers are inherently selfish and if they feel that their needs may not be catered for in the future, they will start to feel unsteady and unco-operative - hence the major sulks.

Emmzi

juliffe,

I hope relate helps you with perspective.

I hope your DDs have an amazing holiday.

And whatever you decide, NEVER feel bad about coming back to talk to us. One life, you have to live it as best you can.

Much love.

xx

julliff

Thank you all for your continuing support. It never ceases to amaze me.

I have been talking to my sister, and she sent me a lovely email:


"You can't go backwards now...you have to move forwards. Remember the power thing...it is POWERFUL and very subtle. See, thing is if you go back to the old ways

a) they win
b) you lose
c) you are putting yourself last

you don't have to do anything permanent in terms of throwing someone out...it is dealing with things a different way that will make changes and that can be equally subtle, eh? What do you think.

It hurts like nothing on earth when folk say unkind things, but the thing is, your kids don't just like you, they love you and do want your approval.

DD1 is trying to make you go back to your old ways and who could blame her? This way, she has you turning yourself inside out trying to please her. You end up very unhappy and it does not have to be that way. Explain to her that you are not made of wood, you have feelings and when she says hurtful things it is unkind and is counter-productive."

elisebutt65 I will pm you my destination. Thanks for your suggestion. I have, in truth, neglected myself for so long now. It will be nice to be kind to me for a change.

I think another boundary - is that I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty all the time. OH has used this to the extreme to get his own way. I am not a bad person, and if he does not like the way things are, then he can leave. If he tries this, I will simply remove myself from the situation by leaving the room/house as appropriate.

When I am not wracked with guilt and or emotion, I can be a really practical person. I am capable of running my life. OH needs to learn to run his.

Brighton_belle

juliffe - this is great - the second day in a row that you are talking of boundaries and positive steps forward to cope with now. Keep going -they are all excellent and constructive things you are doing.:T

Nice email from your sister - good to have her support and understanding.

Re the road trip - yes I think your mad to go, and I mean that kindly. Mad, if only on the exhaustion front: I could never manage that level of driving, and more improtantly, my OH wouldn't dream of asking that of me ... becasue he loves me and loves being wih me and knows it would make me ill. We also have little money coming in so just would not do it.
However juliffe, I say these things purely to demostrate to you that your husband is not treating you well here, or with any love or respect. It is not you being a bad person.
I do understand the terrible dilemma you are in and why you think you have to go.
That's why I applaude your small (but hugely significant) changes you are making... becasue they are all heading in the right direction. That's a good way to deal with horrendous fears and overwhelming situations - - looking at what you can do.

I think another boundary - is that I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty all the time. OH has used this to the extreme to get his own way. I am not a bad person, and if he does not like the way things are, then he can leave. If he tries this, I will simply remove myself from the situation by leaving the room/house as appropriate.:T:T:T