Am I too controlling over money?

BitterAndTwisted

Not to worry mandy-j0, recognising the problem is so much more important than being able to express it to other people in words.

A counsellor once told me that being depressed is the mind's way of telling you that you've recognised the need for change in your life. Once you understand that, you're half-way to finding a solution. I found that immensely comforting and I hope you do, too

Brighton_belle

Hi Juliff - you are still doing really well: I think you've answered your own question about why you feel guilty still: it's 2nd nature to you at the mo: it takes time to change patterns of thinking. The important thing is your are acknowledging what is going on for you in your head, and your feelings but not being completely ruled by them:T. Just keep chipping away.
Sounds like things are a little better with DD1 which is a a great start -
Do you think there is anything here you handled differently than you might of done before that contributed to this better outcome in your relationship?

OH sounds like he is putting in some effort? But I appreciate he has to make some serious substantial ones yet. I hope the home study is something useful and he does follow through with it. You did the right thing IMO in calmly giving him the bill: not easy to do (been there!!) but another step forward in creating boundaries and clarifying the household responsibilities that are all falling to you that he needs to be addressing.

You know he'll do the guilt thing on you, but it sound like you'll be a little better prepared for that and how you respond this time.

You still sound more at peace and less despairing. Day at a time eh?

I like your signature quote - hang on to that - it has helped me through some tough times with health issues.
2 big learning curves for me are 1)nothing stays the same for ever and
2)inaction is a choice one makes and there is always a choice (which doesn't mean inaction is always wrong - it's just realising you do have choices and are making one, is still empowering IYSWIM).

Yes, I am having a nice weekend thanks:it has probably involved a little too much chocolate so far though:D.

Mandy-jo - to quote from someone elses post - just click on the 'quote' button bottom right of the post next to the thanks button. You can delete any part of the post that isn't relevant to your reply.

julliff

Hi all,

thanks for all of your messages.

Well, I am still feeling OK, but OH has started spending again on ebay. Not loads like before, just a couple of things. Once his redundancy money is gone, it's gone.

Also, today I thought the kitchen smelled of smoke,and DD1 agreed. OH then said it wsa down to him. He gaveup smoking 5 years ago, but now it seems he has taken it up again.

DD1 very angry with him. I suppose now I am waiting for the inevitable blame, that I caused him so much stress, and that is why he took it up again. As long as he doesn't pursuade my kids that it is my fault - I dont want them turning against me again.

DD2 is upset and withdrawn.

Another day,another crisis!

Lyger

I get that you're trying to 'fix' things for the sake of the children, but it seems to me you would be better off without your OH.

Yes, it will hurt the children initially, and they'll want things to stay as they think they 'should' be. But the long term effects of staying in an unhappy marriage will be much worse for them.

I come from a broken home - me and my sister were very upset for a good few months initially, and hatched all sorts of plots to get our parents back together. After a while though, we realised that life was much better when we didn't have to deal with a parents depression, the shouting matches, the manipulation, etc.

They may not like it at first, but they will realise why it had to happen - eventually. I've read your thread, and as commendable as trying to stick something out is, your last post mentions how your OH is already slipping back into his old bad habits. Is this how you want to live your life?

Children/teenagers aren't stupid, and they're stronger than you'd think. They'll know how much you're hurting, and they're having problems dealing with that. But they *will* deal with it, especially if they have the love and support of at least one parent. You need to look after yourself now, in order to look after them when they'll need it most.

happy_winner

Hi there,
I read your story about your husband who doesn't look for a job, but collects things on e-Bay. I had sort of similar situation, when I re-married my second husband (he is the current one as well). He spend all his saving, took his time to look for a job, well, me being independant woman with taking responcibilities I wanted the same from a man I am planning to share my life. What do you? I tried everything: talking, brainwashing, etc. nothing worked, he spend like there was no tomorrow. Divorce, of course not, I try to teach him a lesson in excat way, believe it works. So I let my dear husband to spend to take care of his own responcibilities and accrued 8000 debt. Sometime you have to make drastic decision to shake them up.
Take a leave of abcence from work pretending you are so stressed out that you need to gather your streghts, see what he is going to do. I bet you he will stop doing what he is doing.
Many years ago a wise man told me, the men will treat us, the way we let them to treat!
So you know what to do next.

julliff wrote: »

thanks for the replies.

I accept your comments about treating him like a child by giving him pocket money, but when we decided on this, it was that we were both oing to take a fixe d amount of money each week as "spends"- only I never spent mine so I stopped taking it.

In te early days we were really broke, so it seemed like a good idea.

So,shall I just give him the new pin, and then see how it goes? It makes me nervous, because he likes to spend so much, but doesn't take any interest in the bills!

I mean, how do I achieve the equal partnership?

memelalou

happy_winner wrote: »

Hi there,
I read your story about your husband who doesn't look for a job, but collects things on e-Bay. I had sort of similar situation, when I re-married my second husband (he is the current one as well). He spend all his saving, took his time to look for a job, well, me being independant woman with taking responcibilities I wanted the same from a man I am planning to share my life. What do you? I tried everything: talking, brainwashing, etc. nothing worked, he spend like there was no tomorrow. Divorce, of course not, I try to teach him a lesson in excat way, believe it works. So I let my dear husband to spend to take care of his own responcibilities and accrued 8000 debt. Sometime you have to make drastic decision to shake them up.
Take a leave of abcence from work pretending you are so stressed out that you need to gather your streghts, see what he is going to do. I bet you he will stop doing what he is doing.
Many years ago a wise man told me, the men will treat us, the way we let them to treat!
So you know what to do next.

Not saying it didn't work for you but if she turns a blind eye and he get the family more in debt and unable to pay bills and put food on the table, as he is spending her money not just his. Then there be more problems and stress for the o/p and her family. Don't get me wrong partners should support each other when one is out of work, but when you are in a family and one is doing all he can to break trust and spend money like no tomorrow then it can never work, personally i couldn't support myself and my family when my husband was determind to spend us into the ground and doing so with no thought to his family.
People should put work into their marriages and try to work things out, but that takes two. Without trust and respect and there's only so much you can put up with.

julliff

Hello all

Just thought I would post, as the moment of truth is almost upon me.

On Friday we jet off for our holiday. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. At the moment we are just rubbing along. We are polite to each other, but distant. I am going about my business.

One added aspect of this holiday is that we will be staying a few days with friends, so that will be weird. We will have to be "normal", as we can't make our hosts feel awkward.

I could have kicked myself however, when earlier in the week OH said - "we will need to go into town to get some dollars" I told him I had already got some. What I meant to say is that I had already got MINE. He has not gone to get any, so he must think I meant dont bother, already done - as I have done every other year.

DD1 is being much better. I dont know whether it is just teenage games, but now I am her friend, and she spends little time with OH. (Could be because of the smoking thing). I'm not kidding myself that it will always be this calm with her, but I am enjoying both of the girls company.

I would like to say, that the problems are not just financial. And whilst the situation at the moment is difficult, I still feel loads calmer than I was when I was trying to make things work. I think that is because I am not at the mercy of his moods anymore.

I can open the cheese any way I like, and not to the precise instructions OH insisted upon (sounds crazy when I read that back).

DD1 one asked me yesterday who would be moving out - I said I didn't know. She said, well you cant go on like this indefinitely. She seemed very calm.

Anyway, I see the holiday as a watershed, and the future can be decided when we get back.

On the job front, the permanent job hasn't materialised yet, so I have taken another contract (longer with more money). I need to be in work, since OH has not applied for anything, and is not recieving JSA. I have spoken to my other contractor friends, who have given me advice on how to secure a (Re)mortgage as a contractor. One less thing to worry about.

I have to admit to feeling that there is no point in saving my money, as OH will grab half should we divorce.

Again thanks to you all!!!:T

Dinah93

Juliff, I just want to say I'm pleased how much stronger you sound, and that DD1 has got over the shock and started to be supportive, which will make a huge difference to you. I would make it clear about the dollars though! Have you considered putting your savings into overpaying the mortgage?

julliff

Hi dinah,

Nice to hear from you again. I have thought about overpaying the mortgage, but I feel like this will be the same as giving him half,as the mortgage is half his.

I know I must sound nasty and selfish, but I would really like to put the money aside, and one day use it to help buy him out. This is probably not possibe as any savings are an asset of the marriage, and as such must be shared.

It jut annoys me that I am working really hard, and he has not even looked at a job webste, let alone applied for anything. The only thing he has done is buy a home study course, which he has not even looked at!! I wonder whether his plan is to be like this so that he cannot support himself, and so I cant expect himto make his way in the world.

Emmzi

julliff, most womens organisation will talk about an escape fund. Have a think about where you could hide some cash in case you want/ need to leave in a hurry. parents maybe?