Am I too controlling over money?

flossy_splodge

julliff wrote: »

Hello,

thanks for all of the replies, and apologies for the terrible typing!

emmzi, who are the organisations? I dont want to go to relate, because I dont want anyone to try to tell me to stay - I have lived this for years, and I can't do it anymore. Even DD1 said to me "I always fell that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough for Dad". Snap!
Relate is NOT there to 'persuade' people to stay together. Honestly. They are an enormouis source of information and experience just as much to help you go your own way as not. It will be your choice.
JoW123 - I am so sorry to hear thatyou are in a similar situation. I dont know, but maybe it will be easier as your children are younger - no teenage angst to complicate thing. I'm not saying it will be easy on them - but maybe it will be for th greater good. I wish I had dome it years ago. It breaks my heart to see my kids bullied by OHs moods. I feel like I let them down by not standing up to OH sooner.
You are letting them down but unintentionally. You will not see the whole picture til later on so don't worry, just do what you feel is right NOW for all 3 of you.
What is transactional analysis? It sounds like something I would do at work LOL! Should I google it? Earlier in my thread, I posted a link to a book called In sheeps clothing - take a look. It was a revelation to me, and I finally realised that I am a victim of manipulation. The guilt and self doubt are still there, but I am trying to get on top of them with th help of this book. OH is a text book example I'm afraid.
Transactional Analysis is based on the work of Freud and is about the 'emotional "states"' we can exist in.
It can be helpful but maybe at the mo it would be better for you to get a professional involved who can talk you through things - I personally feel trying to analyse yourself and those around you AT THE MOMENT is counter productive.
Primrose - of course you are right. but he has nowhere to go, and no way of taking care of himself. He will fight this, and use every trick he has to manipulate me and my girls. I cant help being scared.

NOT NOT NOT your problem.
Please accept that you need to look after yourself and your children FIRST.
No need to be vindictive or unpleasant, just take decisions based on YOUR best interests.
Be strong.
:rolleyes:

Keeping_Positive

Hello Juliff

I havent kept up with thread but read the older one. So glad things have improved with your kids and you are so much stonger. It will be tough but Im sure as the others on here you and the kids will be better off not neccessary without him but away from him.

julliff

Hi all

well,mentioned that I needed money from OH towards half mortgage & other direct debits.

I was quite gobsmacked when he said - "well we need to go through what I spent" (mening he should get some money off me). "The money I spent at the airport etc buying presents for our friends and other stuff".

I couldn't quite believe that he was saying it. So, on top of me having a £1600 credit card bill from the holiday, £140 in airport taxis, £500 in dollars, and £1700 credit card bill for home expenses (food, travel insurance , etcetc) he thought that I should reimburse him for letting him pay for a few things!!!

I said, if he wants to gothrough everything, I will get statement. What really worries me is that he will ask for half of savings. I wouldn't mind, but if I give him that, then he will get half again if we divorce, if you see what I mean!

Added to that, I noticed that after I had paid for lunch and beers for him at airport, he went off to another bar and got some more beer. And then paid with MY credit card!!

Dinah93

Why does he have your creidt card?

Sit down, go through ALL the spends of the holiday with him, showing what you spent on him, and suddenly he'll owe you a lot more. He won't play that trick in future.

Hon this is starting to get really messy, you need to see a solicitor. If you are worried about him getting half of the savings make sure you pay off any and all debts in your name asap, as stupidly savings are joint but debts are sole.

JoW123

Your husband is behaving just like my partner. Get the credit card off him now or he will just keep using it and you will be left with the bill. He has his own money, let him use it if he wants to buy things solely for himself such as beer!! Deep down I cant believe the way my partner has/is behaving and keep thinking it will all be a bad dream and he will change. But you know what, he wont, and I have to accept that just as you do. Go back to the solicitor and say you want to file for divorce.
The thing that has really helped me was telling a couple of close friends what had been going on so that they could give me objective views rather than driving myself mad trying to analyse his behaviour. Keep going as your are moving forward. Re-read the start of your thread again and see how you are moving on. I know it feels like it will never end because thats exactly how I feel.

ema_o

Oh Juliff, I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I am not really surprised at him turning you asking him for money round because that sounds like the sort of character he is (from reading your thread) but I should give him a list of what you have just written above and tell him he owes you for his share of this - tell him you will knock off whatever your share of what he paid for at the airport.
I am so cross at him on your behalf, he is a controlling conniving, bullying git and he has got his own way for far too long. I am really pleased to hear you are standing up to him now, stay strong xxx

GSXRCarlos

Julliff,

i jumped into your thread late, just to clarify, are you seriously considering divorce, or is this you lashing out?

If you're just blowing off steam then he needs his own current account (no overdraft) and i suggest he has no access to a credit card, and any debt will be shared (like others have said)

Either way, good luck (my post certainly isn't intended as a dig), i don't know how men can sit at home and let the women take control of finances (no offence ladies).

I'm 25, have 5 different credit cards that i pay off every month, and have just bought a house that practically needs rebuilding. I must admit that finances are my job, but who can't keep a handle on money in vs money out? especially when you've been made redundant

by the way, his being made redundant isn't your fault, you don't know what goes on between 9-5 and you only ever got his side of the story, if i'm honest, redundancy was probably heading his way anyway (he seems lazy, has a lack of respect, and shies (sp?) away from responsibilty)

memelalou

Oh I really want to just want to hit him around the head with something heavy and painful for you.

If he wants to go through expenses let him. Open another account or in the account of someone you really trust for a while put your savings in there.
I think now is the time no matter how hard it is, to put your foot down and tell him that from now on because you are seperated he needs to pay his way on the morgage, bills and the children. Play him at his own game, he knows he's getting a free ride so him asking for outgoings is one way you can show him, even in black and white i'd like to see the little !!!!!! get out of that one.
Tell him he needs to give you x amount and you will be giving him NOTHING until he does you might not be able to lock him out YET but do not give him no food, buy him anything, let him use electrical equiptment etc.

Please take YOUR credit card off him!

It might be for the kids sake your acting so amicable but explain and talk to them about what your doing. Tell them you are divorcing there dad and in the meantime he is not paying nothing for them or the house.

I know you want to stay in the house, but why not ask the girls if they would move into a rented house with you until the divorce is sorted. I think the best thing for you to gain confidence and clear your head is to be as far away from him as possible.

xxx

Ps even if he has a right to half your savings when your divorced he has no right to have a penny of them now

julliff

Hi all

Carlos, I am deadly serious about wanting to divorce. I am so much happier when he is not around. When I look at him, I see a stranger, and we have been together for 20 years. I think I just finally saw the truth that was my marriage, and I did not like what I saw.

I have quite a few credit cards (I am a rate tart), so oh has additionalcards to a lot of them. The one we took on hols was a Nationwide one, to get the better exchange rate. I stupidly suggested he take his card as a backup, in case I lost mine. I didn't expect him to use it. This weekend I will cancel ALL additional cards.

memelalou, I think you are right about being away from him. As he has some serious issues with money, I am afraid of how he will become when he realises he has none left. Aspreviously mentioned, he has never been violent, but he is intimidating at the best of times. Having no money though, could tip him over the edge.

Sometimes I wonder if he is insane. Neither of us is working, yet in the last three days he has withdrawn £200 from his redundancy money. He has not contributed anything to the houshold, so I can only assume he is sending it on beer, fags and scratchcards! That just does not make any sense to me.


On a more psitive note, I have got the contract, now in the bag. Start 14/09/09. As soon as I start, I will be enquiring about mortgages.

scubaangel

Nothing sensible to add Juliff but good luck getting the cards all sorted and fab news about the contract, fingers crossed sorting the mortgage will be a fairly simple process for you.