Am I too controlling over money?

Lizzybop

I can't give you any advice about your relationship with your OH, but I was a child with parents in an unhappy relationship. My dad undermied my brother and me throughout our childhood. I grew up believing I just wasn't good enough, that I couldn't achieve, and why bother trying as you'll just fail. I remember recieving my 'O' Level results (I am that old, pre-GCSE!!!!!!) I got 10, but my dad couldn't even say well done, all he told me was that my results were nothing compared to the exams he had passed. This is only an example, there were other things as well. I still don't believe in myself. Growing up in a destructive environment has had a permanently detrimental effect on my adult life.

My mum stayed - I have spoken to her and she says she couldn't leave. She couldn't have afforded it, she couldn't do it for us!!!!

I don't know if your going to leave or not and you must do what you think is right, but think about the affect on your children if you stay.

Good Luck
x

Primrose

julliff - so pleased you've got the contract. This is a real positive for you and hopefully will now give you the confidence to be able to start dealing with the serious money issues like cancelling cards, checking on a mortgage, etc. And being the wage earner, you'll now be able to negotiate from a position of strength which is another big plus, especially if you're now able to separate your finances and call the shots.

BitterAndTwisted

Many, many congratulations on the contract Juliff! Keep going, I'm rooting for you from way over here on the sidelines

julliff

Hi All

Thanks for all your supportive posts, it really makes a difference.

Feeling a bit low today, but probably because I am really tired (combination of jet lag, and not sleeping due to worrying).

I was supposed to be going to a pub quiz tonight with my sisters and Dad, but cried off at the last minute as I was tired and OH has gone out again. I should have made myself go really, to get a bit of normality. Oh, well.

Anyway, since I mentioned to OH that I needed some money off him for the mortgage and other direct debits, he has not made any attempt to arrange this. I am wondering whether I should just go in the his account and take the money. I am reluctanct to do this, as I prefer to not lower myself to his level, but, if I dont take this money, he will be living here free and will spend all his money on beer and fags, while I pick up all the bills. The rate he is going, the money will be gone soon. He has gone out every night this week bar one!

I know in his mind he will justify this to hinself because he gets treated so badly at home!

So, should I just withdraw the money?

BitterAndTwisted

No, I don't think you should yet. Ask him again and again until he does it himself, otherwise you're just taking control like you always have. I just hope to God that there's enough left

flossy_splodge

julliff wrote: »

Hi All

Thanks for all your supportive posts, it really makes a difference.

Feeling a bit low today, but probably because I am really tired (combination of jet lag, and not sleeping due to worrying).

I was supposed to be going to a pub quiz tonight with my sisters and Dad, but cried off at the last minute as I was tired and OH has gone out again. I should have made myself go really, to get a bit of normality. Oh, well.

Anyway, since I mentioned to OH that I needed some money off him for the mortgage and other direct debits, he has not made any attempt to arrange this. I am wondering whether I should just go in the his account and take the money. I am reluctanct to do this, as I prefer to not lower myself to his level, but, if I dont take this money, he will be living here free and will spend all his money on beer and fags, while I pick up all the bills. The rate he is going, the money will be gone soon. He has gone out every night this week bar one!

I know in his mind he will justify this to hinself because he gets treated so badly at home!

So, should I just withdraw the money?

If HE can use YOUR credit card to spend for himself, why on earth would you feel any reluctance to access 'his' money for JOINT expenses?
You're not taking, you're 'using' it to ensure you both keep a roof over your heads.
Pleaase please do what was mentioned in an earlier post and get yourself a separate savings account he knows nothing about and do NOT even keep the pass book at home and deposit your savings there.
You will probably find you will need them for the family.
YOU need to look after YOU and YOURS.
He clearly doesn't.
Good luck.

Primrose

juliff - I'm tempted to recommend that you withdraw some of his money if you can still get access to it to use it for housekeeping. If you OH moans, tell him that it's to pay his bed and board until he can get a job and contribute. Either that, or don't use any of your income to feed him, letting him buy his own food and cook his own meals. He can't have it both ways and if he hasn't learned by now that married couples are supposed to be pulling in the same direction as far as finances are concerned, maybe the message will only hit home when he has to learn the hard way.

ema_o

Great news about your contract
I would ask him again about the money for mortgage and direct debits. I'm guessing he has conveniently forgotten about this. Maybe ask him twice, and if he doesn't do it the first time I would offer to get it out of his account if that is easier when you remind him the second. Make sure you keep on asking him, don't let it drop otherwise I doubt he will sort it out on his own xx

flossy_splodge

ema_o wrote: »

Great news about your contract
I would ask him again about the money for mortgage and direct debits. I'm guessing he has conveniently forgotten about this. Maybe ask him twice, and if he doesn't do it the first time I would offer to get it out of his account if that is easier when you remind him the second. Make sure you keep on asking him, don't let it drop otherwise I doubt he will sort it out on his own xx

Please please do NOT offer to get it out of his account.
All that is likely to do is alert him to the fact you CAN and he can then close that option to you.
You may NEED some money from 'his' pot so don't give him the option of making it unaccessible to you.

Dinah93

Agree completely with Flossy Splodge (whose name makes me giggle!), he has no hang ups about spending your money on frivolities so why should you worry about spending his on essentials? I think you need legal advice since you seem to be scared of what will happen when the money runs out, and it would be best for you not to still be around him when that happens.