Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hi all

thanks for your concern scubaangel, but really he did not spoil my holiday. I mean, I would have preferred it if he were not with us, but compared to other years, I enjoyed myself. the thing is, in previous years I would have been trying to placate him and his moods, running myself ragged trying to keep the peace. Well, this year I did not take any notice of his moods. when he was being difficult, I would just take myself an the girls off to the pool (he never comes into the pool) and relaxed with them. I never used to feellike I could go in the pook, because OH felt left out if I did.

I did not feel guilty when I was too tired to drive to restaurant - before I wouldhave flt guilty at not doing what he wanted, I would end up exhausted - this time I let him sulk.

roxiepie, your post makes me feel much more optomistic about the future. I dont see myself with anyone else, I am too old for all that, and like your Mum, I dont really want to go down that route anyway - too fraught. I just want to be able to choose things that I want,, not always be brow beaten into doing what OH wants.

OH was true to form - as soon as we landed he was moaning about what a cesspool this country is - not that we haven't heard it a thousand times before.

If I can break free like your Mum, I will be at peace.

The girls are great, and DD1 and I became very close during the holiday. hope it continues! (dd2 and I have always been close anyway).

julliff

Primrose

OH has no family to speak of, his parents are dead, and his two brothers are ne'er do wells who we have not seem in over 10 years, we dont even know where they are.

Emmzi

julliff wrote: »

emmzi, who are the organisations? I dont want to go to relate, because I dont want anyone to try to tell me to stay - I have lived this for years, and I can't do it anymore. Even DD1 said to me "I always fell that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough for Dad". Snap!

you could start with the 2nd post from the top on this board which has a link to a guide from refuge called 'you can afford to leave'.

you could read rolo-polos thread to see how she did it

at some point you will need a solicitor. personally I'd take some advice from one now.

julliff

Hello all

Feeling a bit low today. I dont know whether it is just coming back to reality after the holiday, or something else. Funny, I have been feeling strong and positive for some time now, and suddenly I feel flat and apprehensive.

I know I must go and see a solicitor, but I dont really have the grit to start all this. As I said, I can't see OH leaving, and previous solicitor advised me against leaving.

I keep wondering whether OH is usng not having a job as a tactic. I mean, it is hard to split up knowing that he has no income and nowhere to go. As far as I know, he is not looking for anything. He has no JSA either, as he was thown out. He is acting as if we can go on like this forever, but I dont want to.

I have had two job offers, one permanent and one a long term contract. I really want the contract, which is good money, and a great opportunity. But maybe I should accept the permanent one. I have no-one to talk it over with.

Dinah93

Once you reach a settlement with the divorce he will have to leave, therefore by not going you're going to be stuck with him for longer. If you have a job you can buy him out of the mortgage, giving him money to go and live somewhere else. He is not your responsibility, he'll have to cop on and get a job once he can't live off you anymore and you are divorced. x

taxi97w

julliff wrote: »

I mean, it is hard to split up knowing that he has no income and nowhere to go. As far as I know, he is not looking for anything. He has no JSA either, as he was thown out. He is acting as if we can go on like this forever, but I dont want to.

He is responsible for himself - not you. He is where he is because of decisions he has made- or failed to make. There is also cause and effect or action and consequences.
Even inaction has consequences and the sooner they occur the better, and that means you getting into gear. If you keep supporting him, you'll keep supporting him and nothing will change - and I doubt he will.

You know this is going to end, and it's up to you in regard to how long you want this misery to continue. He doesn't want it to end 'cause he's getting it all on a plate.

At least get the ball rolling, eh?

Primrose

juliff - sorry you're feeling down. I'm not surprised. After you're holiday it's probably an automatic reaction, especially with all the preoccupations you have right now.
Regarding the job offers, trying looking at them with an eye to YOUR longer term future, in terms of providing the chance to increase your skills and make yourself more marketable. I don't know how old you are, but if you have teenage daughters, it's also time for you to be thinking about a pension for yourself to ensure, whatever you're doing (staying married or getting a divorce or separation) you don't have a poverty-stricken old age. A permanent job might provide a pension if the employer is contributing towards it, whereas a contract job almost certainly wont, but if it's good money, it might allow you to contribute towards a stakeholder pension in your own name which will be YOUR money. I know it's difficult for you to contemplate your long term future right now, not knowing even what the next week will hold for you, but that's why it's important not to be blinded to the fact that you WILL have a future, and it's sensible to start planning for it now. Another aspect to consider is which job will provide some long term security for you when other areas of your life are rocking on a stormy sea. Could you talk to the people who are offering the long term contract and see whether there's any chance of a permanent job at the end of it, if this is the one which appeals to you most? But do think about getting yourself a pension of some kind if you don't have one. It will be a little bit of financial security for you for the future as it sounds as if your OH is not going to offer you this on his current track record. Once you get some income coming in again, be very very determined about getting your salary paid into an account in your own name and be very tight fisted with the way you dish it out. Your OH has to know that you mean business as far as your future domestic finances are concerned.

julliff

Morning a,

Of course you are all right. I must move things on. I can be an idiot sometimes, still enabling OH. for example,on one of the days that OH was not speaking to me (or the kids) for the cousin incident, I STILL drove him around, and did his washing and drying in the hotel launderette! I am still doing all washing, shopping and cooking. I would love to stop, but I dont wantto make life too uncomfortable for kids. Not quite sure how to stop, without causing a really bad atmosphere.

As for pension, Primrose - I do have one, which as a contractor with a Ltd Co, the contributions are completely tax deductable. So at the moment I am on a good deal for that. I have always been completely sensible with money - I have had to be. I also use a lot of the advice given on other parts of this site, to try to save money. Trouble was, that as fast as I could try to save money or get ahead, OH would spend it!

I think the proverbial will hit the fan once redundancy money runs out - which will be soon at this rate. I have to ask hime for half of the mortgage this week - not looking forward to that!

Anyway, I am trying to look on the bright side today. I dont mean this to sound smug, just trying to boost myself up - but how lucky am I to have two job offer is the current climate anyway? Well,I have worked hard to make myself employable - I even took DD1 with me to college whilst also working fulltime. It has been a long slog, but now I want to live my life for me and my kids, not as a cash cow for HIM!

Dinah93

You're not an idiot hon, no one wrote a guide book for how to handle your situation. You've achieved a lot, and you will go on to ahieve and experience a lot more once you have this weight stop pulling you down.

dinkytwostep

"I have to ask hime for half of the mortgage this week - not looking forward to that"

Hi Julliff - I know you don't want to involve your DD's in the financial side - but maybe you should drop them a hint that you are having to ask their dad for some money and that he may not be in a good mood later this week. That way they will know that it isn't something they have done wrong which is causing him to sulk. (to be honest I would also let them know that you paid for the holiday and that you are asking him for the mortgage money - it won't do them any harm to realise that you are paying the bills not their dad )