Am I too controlling over money?

consultant31

Julliff, I hope you can keep up this level of looking out for yourself. I have always remembered my Gran telling me that if I let people walk all over me they would and it would be my fault not theirs. It's true, you need to learn to love yourself before expecting other people to love and respect you.

I hope this change in you sparks a new respect from your OH - I'm an incurable romantic I'm afraid

I love driving and have happily driven for thousands of miles on various holidays, and I don't think that my OH 'allowing' me to do this for the family proves how little he cares for or respects me, Brighton belle!

Please keep us posted Julliff, we are all here for you.

Brighton_belle

consultant31 wrote: »

I love driving and have happily driven for thousands of miles on various holidays, and I don't think that my OH 'allowing' me to do this for the family proves how little he cares for or respects me, Brighton belle!

.

Oh gosh - no of course not consultant - that wasn't a meant to be taken as sweeping generilisation - just based on my health issues, for us, my OH's behaviour in 'lots of driving issue' would matter for us, and the OP has talked of how exhausting it is going to be for her and how the family moan at her if she doesn't do the driving. Kindness is the key for me here - your OH knows you love it: the OP seems to be dreading it and is feeling 'a bad person' for doing so.

BitterAndTwisted

julliff wrote: »

When I am not wracked with guilt and or emotion, I can be a really practical person. I am capable of running my life. OH needs to learn to run his.

Absoflippinglutely! I'm so pleased to see you saying this, it's they key. I don't know you but I'm just so proud of you and the progress you appear to be making. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that every, single day. Just one small step will give you the courage and strength to take the next one. You can do this.

You're jolly lucky to have the support of your sister. If you need to lean, just lean.

GO JULIFF, GO!

julliff

Thank you all for your encouragement.

I am not strong enough to force OH out, because of the kids.

BUT, I think I can start to change things, in that I am not dancing to his tune. Maybe in time we will seperate "properly" - but for now I am going to build myself a life. I feel I can do that.

Brightonbelle - you are very perceptive - I hate driving, and always have. I just like the freedom it gives you. Even if you love driving, I expect you want to be appreciated for your efforts? Nobody likes to be taken for granted.

I even had a fairly good evening with DD1. We did have a bit of a clash over her pocket money - but I told her whats what, and she accepted it after her initial strop. She was sweetness and light after that, she even asked me to stay with her while she was on the computer.

She wants to go for an end of term celebration with her friends, and wanted extra money. So I gave her a list of jobs to earn the money - and she did. A few grumbles, but mostly good natured.

No doubt there will be many challenges ahead, but for today I feel peaceful, and grateful for the good folks here ( and my sis).

Thanks to you all.

julliff

Hello all,

Today, I gave OH a bill - comprising half of the money which goes out in Direct debits (mortgage, council tax, insurances etc),and half of all the ites on the credit card which make up our food bill.

He didn'tsay much, but I dont think he was very happy. Iam waiting for him to come back with a guilt trip. He has bought milk and a few other things along the way, but then so have I, and any bits an pieces I have paid for in cash are not included.

Added to this, I have absorbed all the kids expenses, the travel insurance, petrol, MOT and car insurance, DIY expenses etc,etc.

So, why do I feel so guilty?

He has signed up for a home study course, which has set him back a few hundred quid,and he has been working very hard on the garden.

On the other hand, he really upset DD1 yesterday, over something trivial - she rang me up in tears while she was with her friends. Now she is no cry baby, so she must have been really upset.

I am trying to be resolute - it is second nature now to feel guilty. So many years will take a while to undo.

I am trying to live by the quote in my signature!

Thanks to you all, and I hope you are having a nice weekend!

BitterAndTwisted

Good luck to you Juliff! You're making real progress and I wish you all the luck in the world.

So good to hear that things with your eldest daughter seem to be improving.

I hope you have a lovely weekend!

cagneyfan

"Show him the above post".

this advice was given earlier. Personally, I'd show him the door!

cagneyfan

Actually that post was given in June!! Sorry I'm not very good with negotiating these sites, I can barely switch the pc on! I see there's been loads of replies since you originally posted. So I hope things are going well for you and good luck!!
p.s. wish me luck in working out how to send up to date replies. How do you put other people's quotes in the message and then send your own? I really should just have stuck to a pen and paper

cagneyfan

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I suffered from stress, anxiety and depression some years ago and an expression of it was that I'd go constantly round and round in circles in my mind, too anxious and fearful to see the problem in its proper perspective and too depressed to take action. This is precisely what your posts are reminding me of. Please, PLEASE see your GP and drag yourself to Relate. Some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication might help give you some respite so you can get this sorted in your mind and form a sensible strategy about how to get this whole dreadful situation fixed.

Spending good money on an over-land road-trip in the US when there's no prospect of any wages coming in is really flipping rash, to put it mildly. I wouldn't countenance it, myself. That huge amount of money would be better spent on you seeing a counsellor in my opinion.

I was just reading the beginning of this and it's me down to a tee. Things going round and round and not being able to think clearly - getting myself all churned and then being too depressed to try and do anything. I wihs I could put things into words like you did

cagneyfan

That was meant to say, "I wish I could put things .....