Am I too controlling over money?

Brighton_belle

Hi Juliffe - It's great to hear you in a better place at the mo: this is a very significant change for you: I do think baby steps are paying dividends in helping build your strength for whenever the next phase kicks in. And it is good to read of dd1 being more on side at the mo.

I want to wish you well with the trip. Whatever it entails, remember: you are not being selfish or hard. Everytime you can yourself saying something negative about yourself, just in your mind, break that thought with a firm no,no,no. Then replace it with something positive.

Don't forget - you are entitled to a break from the driving if you need it. An over tired driver is a dangerous driver! So it would be selfish to keep driving when over tired, if that helps getting your head round saying no:D.

I don't know what to advise re the money side of things, so will leave that to others with more knowledge/experience though it sounds immensely frustrating.

julliff

hello all

Well. here I am back from my american holiday, although I am pretty jet lagged.

I think the holiday has really crystallised my thinking - we really do not belong together.

I do not understand his thinking, and his attitude really grates on me. He was spending like there was no tomorrow, even though he has zero income, and so have I at the moment. He has seriously eroded his redundancy money!

One example is that he bought an absulutely massive coolbox, the sort you have to pull around on wheels. Now, not ony do I think that it is completely over the top (it really is mega huge), but he bought it in the first week of the holiday. I booked a people carrier so that we would have lots of room, and he fills it with that monstrosity - grrrr. He moaned at DD2 when she pulled it (as a favour to him) because he tough she wasn't careful enough with it - but she was anyway - he is just a moany g*t.

He spent and spent and spent. Now, I have to admit to buying a new handbag, some trousers and a cardigan, but that was aboout it. As I paid for all the hotels, insurance, car, petrol etc etc. I was trying to keep an eye on the spending.

He kept wanting to go out for big steak dinners, where he would also order loads of beers, and I had to pick up the tab on my credit card.

Then on the plane coming home, he paid for a beer for me, and when I said, oh, did you pay for both he said - "yes, I am not as mean as you". He still keeps trying to guilt trip me.

Kids were really fed up with his moods, and said that he was ruining the holiday. I told them to just let him be miserable, and carry on with having fun - he can only ruin it for himself.

He got really mad when I was less than enthusiastic to drive him to the downtown area to meet a cousin he had not met before. Got in a real mood and stormed out of friends house to get a taxi. Cousin didnt turn up anyway! He didnt speak to any of us all of the next day! The thing was, I thought he was going to ring cousin first, and then agree to meet later. But, I couldnt be bothered to explain the misunderstanding. It wasnt as if he said " would you mind driving me into town", or "would you like to come with me" - he just assumed that I would go, and he didnt even explain the situation.

On the last day we spent all day at the theme park in about 97 degree heat. He said - so we are going to Joes crabshack tominght then? (this had been metioned as a possibilty. I said I didnt feel like driving, and wasnt really that hungry (I couldnt afford it, but I didnt say that). I offered to get pizza in, or go to theDennys across road, but he got mad and said "I wish you had told me earlier". Got taxi and went out on his own.

The girls and I had a lovely pizza by the hotel pool, followed by a dip. Then we snuggled uo and watched "mean girls". We did not miss him!

There are so many of these incidents, but you get the picture. He has gone out tonight with bloke across the road - yay!

One more thing - DD2 told me that once OH was dinking beer in garden, and she said - dont drink too many as they are bad for you (she is health conscious) and he got mad at her and would not speak to her for a day and a half. I felt so sad for her.

I just dont know how I am going to get him to agree to a seperation. I suppose divorce is the only way to force the issue.

Oh, yes, and I noticed on the holiday that he is not wearing his wedding ring anymore. Wish I could get mine off. Havent been able todo that since birth of DD2.

Emmzi

I'm glad your time away has helped you reach a decision.

Fancy talking to one of the organisations that can help you end the relatonship yet?

A jeweller can cut that ring off btw...

JoW123

Hi Juliff. I've been following your thread with interest as I am in a very similar position to you although my partner has been gambling and lying but behaving in a very similar way to your husband. My partner is now back in work but was out of work for a couple of months which he chose to spend gambling on-line whilst I did extra hours to supposedly pay the bills. Our children are much younger but are also affected by his moods and I have come to realise through help on here and via my friends that what he is doing is a form of emotional abuse.
I have told my partner that we are over and he says he will leave but as yet has done very little about it. One day we will have a conversation about seperating and the next day he behaves as if nothing happened. I have a friend who is a psychologist who recommended reading about transactional analysis concerning the adult, parent, child behaviour which you may find useful.
I feel like I am walking through a horrible nightmare but what keeps me going is knowing I can build a better life for my children than this, and I'm sure you can too.

Primrose

juliff - I am glad your holiday has crystallised your thoughts. Sometimes it takes time away in a different environment to clear your head. But you have now seen that your OH's behaviour is the same, wherever you are and his spending patterns are not going to change. Now is the time to consult a solicitor and start divorce proceedings so that he cannot continue to live in denial with his head in the sand. It will be difficult but not impossible and I think once a formal process has been set in train he will be forced to confront the issues. I wish you good luck. Do continue to keep us updated.

julliff

Hello,

thanks for all of the replies, and apologies for the terrible typing!

emmzi, who are the organisations? I dont want to go to relate, because I dont want anyone to try to tell me to stay - I have lived this for years, and I can't do it anymore. Even DD1 said to me "I always fell that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough for Dad". Snap!

JoW123 - I am so sorry to hear thatyou are in a similar situation. I dont know, but maybe it will be easier as your children are younger - no teenage angst to complicate thing. I'm not saying it will be easy on them - but maybe it will be for th greater good. I wish I had dome it years ago. It breaks my heart to see my kids bullied by OHs moods. I feel like I let them down by not standing up to OH sooner.

What is transactional analysis? It sounds like something I would do at work LOL! Should I google it? Earlier in my thread, I posted a link to a book called In sheeps clothing - take a look. It was a revelation to me, and I finally realised that I am a victim of manipulation. The guilt and self doubt are still there, but I am trying to get on top of them with th help of this book. OH is a text book example I'm afraid.

Primrose - of course you are right. but he has nowhere to go, and no way of taking care of himself. He will fight this, and use every trick he has to manipulate me and my girls. I cant help being scared.

Caroline73_2

julliff wrote: »

he has nowhere to go, and no way of taking care of himself. He will fight this, and use every trick he has to manipulate me and my girls. I cant help being scared.

You might be scared but you have the upper hand knowing he will try and manipulate you.

Primrose

julliff - yes, obviously you're concerned about how he will cope, but is your OH disabled and physically unable to look after himself, i.e. needing you as a carer, or is it just that he doesn't know how to boil and egg or operate a washing machine? Perhaps you should try to influence his mind set by keeping on telling him that "I need to teach you /show you how to do this so that you know how to do it yourself when we are separated because I don't want you to put your head in the sand over our long term future together, and it's better that you learn now." It sounds brutal, but when my OH is often doing a fairly simple domestic maintenance job I tell my husband, "You'd better let me stand and watch so that if anything happens to you I know what to do". As for having nowhere to go, perhaps you should remind him that he might need his redundnancy for future living expenses. He should also start checking around as to what benefits or help in rehousing he might get. If you can get a free session with a divorce lawyer, they might be able to offer you some information on this issue. However if you get a divorce, as the mother of children you will almost certainly get residential rights to the house and he will be forced to face up to finding some other accommodation, even if it's just a bed sitter. Does he have no family who could accommodate him temporarily until he sorts himself out. Sooner or later he's going to have to start taking responsibility for himself instead of constantly relying on you. Easier to start preparing him mentally for this now.

scubaangel

J I'm so sorry he spoiled the holiday for the DD's and you, but well done for trying, I know I couldnt have done in your place.

roxiepie_2

Hello Julliff

I don't normally post on threads of this type (all I mean by that is personal rather than money saving!), but after reading through I really felt I couldnt read and run.

Mainly because I've been in a similar position to your daughters. I grew up with my sister in a household that was utterly ruled by our father's moods. He was never happy, never satisified by anything, least of all his own family. My mother took the brunt of his attacks, but we were always there to receive his critisisms too. He basically broke her down over the years, to the point where she gave up fighting it.

It took to the the late point of our teenage years before she got up the courage to leave him for good. It wasn't easy, he tried every form of manipulation to try to make her stay. Including being nice! But she did it.

The first year or so she did struggle, and I sometimes feel bad as, being a teenager I was wrapped up in my self and didn't pay enough attention to how things were for her. We moved around a bit, had to rent several different houses and money was tight at times.

What I really want to tell you is that things are so much better now. It took a good couple of years for her confidence to grow back fully, but since then she has been going out all the time (has a better social life than I do!) and has a mortgage on a lovely place of her own.

In addition to all this, she has met someone. In the years that followed the split she was adement that she would never get involved with anyone else, as she simply could not trust herself to put trust in anyone again (if that makes sense!). However, she has since met a man who is different to my dad in everyway, and treats her like a queen.

It's benefited me and my sister too. I find I am so much more out-going now I am no longer under his roof. Sometimes I still find myself having to actively stop negative thought patterns, patterns that are probably partly down to absorbing my dad's behaviour for all those years.

I wouldn't feel comfortable offering advice on what I think you should do. No two situations are the same. All I will say is that the three of us are much closer now. And happier. I don't resent my mother for spliting up our family, in fact now I can now (about 8 years since the split) see how brave she was. If anything - in hinesight - I wish she had done it sooner.

If things had carried on as they were it would have just meant four people living miserably. And life's too short to be unhappy!

From your posts you sound as you've got great mental strength considering your position. Also great girls. You owe it to all three of you to do whats best.

I hope everything works out for you, and will check back in to see how you're getting on xx xx