Am I too controlling over money?

msb5262

Juliff, if at all possible I think you and your daughter both need some support. Please talk to your GP about accessing some counselling for both of you - and make it clear that it is needed URGENTLY. I don't think your DD is just being manipulative; she is clearly upset and feeling bad about everything so the chance to talk to someone will ease some of that pressure. If you can take control of the situation, acknowledging her pain and anxiety, you will feel better. In the long run, you know that staying in your miserable marriage would not provide your girls with any sort of role model. If you can try to address your daughters' feelings without denying your own, the future will be much less painful for the whole family.
Very best wishes,
MsB

mharzuk

Hi
I must admit I've skimmed this thread tonight and I just felt I needed to add my support.
I can see myself in almost every character. My mum and dad split when I was a teenager and I went through the "hate everone in the world" stage. I am now a single parent to a teenages so I am now part of the "world" that was not able to do anything right for a while.
I had a revalation I would like to share that might help with the OP situation.
2 years ago I was working full time, stressed to the max and fooling myself into thinking it was ok because I was "providing" for my daughter and she would see this in the long term and realise what I was doing was for her.
This does not work. Long term is not something teenages can understand.
My revelation led me to take a job I wanted that was less money but made me a happier person. I did those hobby type things I could not have justified before and for all that I am now more orgainised (need to be due to lack of money) but also a lot more happy with myself.
I think what I am getting at is you can never, ever make somone happy. It makes no difference what you do, happiness comes from within and you can't crow bar it in to someone, not even your kids.
The best thing your kids could see right now is you being strong and taking responsibility for your own happiness. Ask yourself if you would be glad if you could fst forward 20 years and see strong, self reliant daughters taking responsibilty for thier own lives or bouncing from one crisis to another because 'thats how things were done when I grew up'?
Not meaning to be harsh bur you are the role model here. My memories of mum asking me to get a dry towel for her to cry into because hankies couldn't hold enough tears could have made me think this was normal or made me realise we all can only be responsible for our own happiness, its your choice.
Sorry for the long post, feel free to flame at will.

scubaangel

julliff wrote: »

Thank you alll for your kind words.

Things are about as bad as they could be.

this evening was in my room with DD2, talking about holiday. DD1 came in and said she cant sleep and cant eat. she said she feels bad all the time, like everything she does is wrong.

I said thatbeing a teenager is a scary time, and you can feel like this. she then said "OH, I told my friends you would say that - you just dont listen. They are all saying I am depressed, and you are just no taking it in.

She said she doesn't want to come on holiday with us, and wants to be alone all the time.

I dont know what to say to her- she said you have made a decisio, and I have got no say.

DD2 then got upset and went into her room crying. After DD1 left I went into DD2s room. She is so upset, and says she just wants to be happy, but she cant be becasue no-one else is happy. My heart is breaking - for both of them.

I just cant do this.

I watched a film with her later, and I just couldnt stop crying. I am crying as I type this.

The pain is unbearable. I wish I could die.

If she believes that she is depressed and you arent listening....why isnt she talking to your OH if he's so great?
Seriously sounds like you both need to go and talk to someone, even if it's just a visit to the GP, explain the stress you're under due to the situation and allow her to tell them whatever she feels necessary. If she is depressed and needs 'something' be it a chat with a counsellor or whatever she will get the help she needs, equally there is usually access to some types of conselling service through most secondary schools, either a teacher with some extra training or a trained consellor - my LEA had a team of I think four or five who would travel out to schools to speak to any pupils who were deemed as needing the extra support.

Secondly how dare she imply she should have a say in your relationship, of course she shouldnt, unless she wants you to stay in an unhappy marriage with a husband who's lack of support financially and emotionally has been dragging you down for months if not years by the sounds of things. :eek:

I do think the holiday possibly needs to be rethought though, I know you dont want to cancel it but prehaps seeing if you can get away for a little while alone would be better give yourself some space. Could you arrange with your OH to have a few days away on your own, then a few days with your DD's and he do the same?

Primrose

If you can get some family therapy where EVERY member participates I think this would be helpful. It seems to me that you are shouldering the whole emotional burden of what is happening and your husband is getting off relatively scott free. He needs to be made fully aware that it is his behaviour and actions that have triggered this crisis in the first place, to accept some responsibility for it, and also for how the crisis is resolved. This cannot happen if he is not involved in the process. You are being made to look the scapegoat and I think it is fairly pointless you all going on holiday together with this background atmosphere. There is nothing worse than trying to be jolly in a sad situtation. It is like trying to crack jokes at a funeral to cheer everybody up and you will probably all return wishing you had never gone in the first place because it resolved nothing, only giving a false impression of family togetherness which no longer exists. . Yes, you all need some space but I'm not not convinced that your planned holiday will offer any solutions. It will be just papering over the cracks which will probably tear apart before the holiday is even over. Sit down together now - ALL of you - and starting talking honestly and openly about how you all think you can move forward. That way your daughters will feel their voices are being heard and listened to.

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

I just cant do this.

I watched a film with her later, and I just couldnt stop crying. I am crying as I type this.

The pain is unbearable. I wish I could die.

Right missy. Pick up the phone. Call your GP. You need an urgent appointment. You are going to crack if you don't get some support from somewhere, and all your family are putting a huge pressure on you to sort everything out and make all their lives better and its too much for one person. You can't be thinking like this, your daughters love you very much and you need to stick around for them. Go to the doctors, get antidepressants, antiaciety pills, something, and see if you can get an urgent appointment with an NHS councillor. After you come back from the GPs, go to a quiet part of the house, and call the samaritans. They are there to talk people through things they can't handle. You need support, please reach out and take it.

This evening go see DD1 and say you understand shes hurting, and would she like you to come to the GP with her? Teenagers do use the word depression too freely, you're not anyone at school unless you have depression or an eating disorder these days. However you need to be seen to hear her cry for help, and offer to help in return. Twll her if she doesn't want to go on the holiday, that's fine, you won't go - give her the oppertunity to feel like she can control a small part of this. I think it'll be incredably miserable anyway, so it may well be good for you if she says she doesn't want to go. The sooner you can start divorce proceedings and move on from this point the better. Being in this claustrophobic environment on top of one another is not helping anyone.

I presume not, but could you not talk to your ex about your worries for the DDs, and see if he maybe could suggest something (other than 'lets get back together', thats not helping anyone but him have a free meal), if he's a good dad he's going to want whats best for them before what is best for himself, and seeing them so upset should really be the jog he needs to move out. It needs to be him coming to this realisation though, not you telling him.

I agree family councelling could help, but thats a longer term goal than just holding yourself together for the next few days.

julliff

Thanks for all of your replies – so supportive

I know now what I must do. I must put this right for my children.

I thought life would be more peaceful and happier if I separated from OH, but I think I am just exchanging one misery for another. The children must come first. I feel defeated and in despair.

I am going to try to make something work.

I don’t know how I will achieve it, and I may never undo the damage already done with DD1. However, I want to try, I texted her to ask “how can I help you.” She has not replied.

There is a list of things that I will try to enforce to improve matters, I think someone called that “setting boundries”

I m busy making a list of how –

Number one is that there will be no more joint accounts.

I have always tried to fix things in the past - what is one more?

julliff

could you not talk to your ex about your worries for the DDs, and see if he maybe could suggest something (other than 'lets get back together', thats not helping anyone but him have a free meal), if he's a good dad he's going to want whats best for them before what is best for himself, and seeing them so upset should really be the jog he needs to move out. It needs to be him coming to this realisation though, not you telling him

No, he will just say that he did not want this, and I have created this. It will be all my fault. I know him so well. He also knows me well, an know this is destroying me. My kids have been my whole world. All I do, I do for them.

Dinah93

You think staying with him will make them happy? I can guarantee you it won't, they know you are unhappy. And you're going to feel like this for always if you don't sort something. He is not going to change. Trust me they will be happy in the long run even with you divorced. You, on the other hand, won't be happy if you stay with a man who uses you and you don't respect.

msb5262

Juliff, I'm concerned - you're planning to try to make your marriage work again out of feeling guilty that your DD1 is unhappy about the marriage ending, but this is giving your daughter a disproportionate amount of say in the issue. It's neither right nor appropriate that the children of a relationship get to decide its future. Also as we all know from life experience, if you need to try that hard to make something work, it isn't really a goer. You would be putting a sticking plaster on a limb which needs to be amputated and I'm worried that it will be much harder in the long run for your children if they feel they've had a hand in making this decision.
Sorry, not managing to be very clear here but it feels all wrong to let your OH and your teenage daughter decide what you're going to do for your own mental health and wellbeing.
Let me just say that when my marriage was ending, a close friend said to me that whatever happened, we mustn't stay together for the sake of the children as her parents had done that and it was terrible for everyone.
Best wishes
MsB

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

No, he will just say that he did not want this, and I have created this. It will be all my fault. I know him so well. He also knows me well, an know this is destroying me. My kids have been my whole world. All I do, I do for them.

So you put your kids first, he puts him first and the kids don't even appear to be on the list - YOUR DAUGHTERS DESERVE BETTER. Between him and DD1 they appear to have successfully blackmailed you into deciding your happiness isn't important in any way. Please, please go to see the doctor and call the samaritans. Read back through this thread, look at how unhappy you were with him, how you've actually felt like a weight was lifted when you made the decision and now you are thinking of staying you don't even want to be alive any more.

You DD1 will hate herself when she is an adult if she knows you stayed for her. Think of the long term.