Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hi all

Well, things are really strange at home.

Went to the pictures Monday night, and guess who paid? And drove DD1 & OH there and back! I know I am a mug, but I am trying to keep some sort of family life going. I shall dip into OHs redundancy money, and get that back.

Even worse than that, I found out this morning that OH has used my credit card to take DD1 out to lunch, and to buy some stuff at the shops. I am cancelling that card right away. What gets me is that he knows his redundancy money is in the other bank account, so why not use that? I think he thinks that he can just carry on as normal – it is either ignorance or wilful ignorance!

He has been doing diy and shows me what he has done every night. And he is doing the cooking most nights. Don’t quite know what to make of it really. Shame he couldn’t have been a bit more like that before (the cooking and housework).

I cannot be too harsh with him, as the kids are watching everything that is going on, and they will just think I am the one making life unhappy.

Was really happy to have DD2 back yesterday!

julliff

Oh yes,

And also DD1 said I had agreed to raise her pocket money (I don’t remember this). I said no, as I don’t know if I have any work past the end of next week.

She said, don’t talk to me about that. I am only 14 and you are 40, I shouldn’t have to worry about that!

Didn’t know quite what to say, but I did say:

No, I don’t want you to worry, but I do want you to support and understand by not asking for stuff all the time. (I am taking her to the hairdressers tonight for a cut and blow dry, that she has been nagging about for ages).

Dinah93

Christ, she's 14 not 4! She understands the simple concept that if you have no money, none of you have any money. At 14 I certainly understood that idea, she sounds a bit stroppy to be honest. She's clearly intellegent though, playing you like a fiddle at times, so you feel if you don't give her what you want you'll loose her to ex-hubby. It's a real shame you can't put up a united front with hubby for the sake of the kids - WE have decided to split up, WE make decisions on pocket money, WE both still love you etc.

Take money out of his redundancy TODAY, call up the card company, pay off the full balance outstanding and cancel it. He's getting to be the good guy on your money with DD, while you are forced to be responsible and be the bad guy in her eyes.

Caroline73_2

Haven't you cancelled that card yet? Do it now hun!

As far as your daughter's pocket money goes - increase the pocket money by £1 but then say you will pay half and her father the other.

Brighton_belle

ooh, she's a clever minipulative monkey isn't she: dinah took the words out of my mouth: she's 14 not 4, and if she wants the priveledges of being treated like a young adult...
I too at 14 was very capable of understanding my parents had little spare cash with my dad off sick. In 2 yrs she'll be old enough to leave school and get ajob - you are demonstrating good paretning skills by introducing her to the idea of budgeting and priorities:T. It's a pity this can't be shared by her dad too, as a united front.

I think you handled it well juliffe. Being a great parent is not about being your daughter's best friend. Really hard for you emotionally, but I hope the support you are getting here is helping.

If there is ever any possibility of raising her pocket money, I think you need to be clear what you then expect her to fund for herself in the future, and also perhaps have a list of jobs she has to do to earn it. Not done that week: no payout.

julliff

she's a clever minipulative monkey isn't she

She has learned from th master (OH).

but I hope the support you are getting here is helping

Superlatives cannot express how much this forum has helped me. I think if I had not come here, I would be clinically insane by now, and truly believing that OH is the rational, good guy!

:grouphug:

Haven't you cancelled that card yet

This is a different card! This was the household card as was.:embarasse

I know what you all mean about the united front - can't see that happening. I just feel like I am the only one who concerns myself with where the money is coming from - it gets quote lonely!

Brighton_belle

juliffe - I think we all know that there is no chance of a united front, it's just another way of us saying, you are being a great parent, and ideally, your OH should be with you on this... but we know he won't be.
Yes, I can imagine it is lonely, and that's where we can help remind you that you are being normal and reasonable (and that some teenagers will try it on regardless of what else is going on at home)

MrsAnnie

Your DD is doing her very best to take your marriage troubles and use them to her advantage to suit herself. She obvoiusly thinks that you will bow to her every need because she can take advantage of her parents splitting. Please don't play into this. You are the mother and she is the daughter. As long as you give her emotional support, a roof over her head, food in her tummy and a few extras then you have done what you need to do as a parent.


Next time you go out altogether, discuss who will pay for what in advance. If you are expected to foot the bill and do not want to, let them all know it was a good suggestion to go out but you can not afford it at this time. No point going out, with everyone else enjoying the night at your expense and then feeling resentful afterwards.

julliff

Hi All

I’m not having a very good day today.

I feel like my life is over. I will never be happy again.

I have been reading on the internet about how damaging divorce is to a teenager. DD1 is very angry, and hostile. I don’t think we will ever be the same again.

I have stopped allowing OH to manipulate me. Trouble is, now DD1 is doing her best to manipulate me. I don’t think I am strong enough to deal with all of this. I have lost her now anyway.

Thinking about my marriage – I am grieving for something which was mostly in my mind. I now realise that I was the only one trying to make a good life for us all – OH was just sitting back, and enjoying the ride. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had not also made me feel like I was in the wrong all the time. I know I am soft and weak, and so does he.


If it weren’t for DD2, I think I would just give up. I feel so desperate today – sorry for being so pathetic.

I have cancelled other credit card.

Dinah93

Firstly, well done on cancelling the card.

Secondly, can you call Relate and see if you can get a councelling session for just you? I think you could also find articles on how having happy, balanced parents apart rather than warring together if you looked, you need to accept that teenagers will rebell anyway, DD has just got an easier target than most. End of the day though this is not going to be her life story, it'll be an event in it. You staying and being this unhappy would define you.