Am I too controlling over money?

MrsAnnie

Sorry to hear that the meeting was not what you wanted to hear. What else did the solicitor advise you to do, other than to stay in the house?

Surely if you started divorce proceedings and are in the position to buy him out, then the courts would look favourably on this, especially considering that he is not earning a wage?

I agree with skintchick. You need to start stashing your savings, and start doing this ASAP. You could do it weekly, and it will just appear like you are paying a bill or something.

Have you managed to cancel the additional credit card?

Primrose

juliff - we'll all understand how low you will be feeling now after your solicitor's visit but perhaps it's the time to brace yourself for taking some hard decisions and being tough in the knowledge that eventually this situation WILL be resolved. We never like to accept advice, especially professional advice, when it goes against the grain, but remember solicitors have seen many cases like yours and it's important to be guided by them, however unpalatable the advice is. Perhaps you now start to devote your earnings 100% to you and the children. Let your OH provide his own food and cook it and do his own laundry. If he doesn't have a job, this will force his hand and he'll either have to make a bigger effort to earn some money, starve or move in with other family members if he has any. I do think you have to start putting some "secret" money aside somewhere. Start paying as many bills as possible in cash so that it's more difficult for your expenditure to be analysed and ensure your earnings go into a new account in your name.

tesuhoha

I have been reading this for some time and I must say I agree with Primrose. I think you have to stay in the house but as you are the main wage earner you must remove all access that he has to money. You should also close the credit card he has access to. If you stay in the house and he realises that you are not budging and have removed his access to any money then he will soon drop the good dad act. I think you should make life as difficult for him as he has for you. If you are hesitating denying him money, just remember what he is trying to do to you without any compunction.

julliff

Hello All,

I had a nice weekend with my sister, I thin it did me good to get away.

Before I left DD1 asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no, and she then proceeded to tell me that if I did get a boyfriend, she would not co-operate! I said, you have been watching too many films! I tried not to let her see that she is getting to me.

Came back yesterday, and OH asked me too sit in the garden with me. I did for about 10 mins, and then decided to water my baskets and pots. I said I was going to do baskets at the front, and he said “Is it so bad to sit with me?” . Then he said “Is there any hope for us?” any chance? I told him “No, I don’t think so”. I repeated hi twice. I said we should just try to be friends.

I am scared. I do feel like I am being selfish by breaking up the family.

Anyway, DD1 and OH are all cuddled up together on the sofa, all evening. I know I should be glad that OH is treating her well just now, but I do feel hurt, as I have turned myself inside out for this family in the past. I suppose DD1 is just upset, and sees me as the person splitting up the family.

Really looking forward to seeing DD2 tomorrow when she comes back from her school trip, but I am worried that I am relying on her as my only emotional support at the moment.

Re paracical solution, I am going to try to keep thngs on an even keel until after the holiday, as hopefully by then I will have a permanent job, so I can think about next steps – buying him out, selling and buying something new. It also gives me time to move some of my money out. I don’t want to take any of the joint savings – just what is mine, as I mentioned before.

I am also trying to prepare myself for the possibility that DD1 will choose to stay with her father. It is torture though. ALL of my energy over the last 15 years has been devoted to my family.

I know this is a bit mean, but I sort of chuckled to myself when DD1 had no clean uniform this morning. Funnily enough I asked if she had a clean uniform when I got back yesterday, and both OH & DD1 said yes, but then it turned out that she didn’t put it in the basket. Don’t know why OH said yes though! Also, DD1 moaned this morning about there being no food in the house! OH moaned that he had spent a fortune on DD1 over the weekend!

Dinah93

Lol let her see his real side, he's lazy, anyone can do the hugging and watching telly, but it takes a dedicated parent to wash uniform, make dinner, and clean the house! Even if she went with him she'd be back to you very, very quickly. Could you take your DDs out together this weekend or one evening, just the three of you and do something fun?

Stay strong, you are not being selfish, you can't live only for other people, and when your DDs are adults themselves they will see that too. Also they'll be a lot less likely to let men trample all over them if they see their mother set the example that its not okay.

hippychick1

You are not being selfish by breaking up your family. It is your OH who has been selfish and you obviously have no other option for your own sanity but to separate!!!

You need to stop helping him out with money, it may make him go out and look for work, and stop spending on ebay. I really feel for you, this is such a difficult desicion to make. Yesterday I told my husband that there is absolutely no chance for us to sort things out. I am gutted, but know there is no other option.

Your DD will soon realise that being with her dad is not going to be all roses, I'm sure she will come round.

Take care
x

julliff

Thanks for your replies.

Well, I suppose OH is making a bit of an effort. He has stopped spending on ebay, he is cooking, and doing jobs around the house (keeps kitchen clean and sorting stuff out).

But, it just seems too little too late. He has killed the relationship over a long period of time. Like death by a thousand cuts.

I remember years ago, when I had two children under 3, I was working three days a week as a contractor. I got appendicitis and had to spend some time in hospital (From which BTW, OH thought it would be OK for me to come home on the bus, alone). Anyway, as we were short of money, I took an additional job 3 evenings a week, stacking shelve. OH did work, but his money wasn’t enough.

An opportunity came up for me to get a new contract, but it was full time. Thinking about having two babies, I said to OH, I didn’t know if I could manage it, he turned round and asked me if I was sure if I wasn’t work shy!!! He pretended afterwards that he was joking, but he wasn’t.

Hippychick, I am sorry to hear that things are difficult for you – I read all of your thread, and you have really been through the wringer. In a way I am jealous (Hope you don’t mind me saying this), as you managed to get away.

hippychick1

I know exactly what you mean, too little too late. My husband finally seems to be turning his life around, but to be honest I'm past caring now, my heart is not in it.

Would it be worth you trying Relate? Would your OH go? I know this can work wonders for some relationships.

I do know what you mean about getting away. I suppose I am lucky in a way that we didn't own our own house, so it was a lot easier to leave. Your situation is more complicated!!! Is there no chance your husband would move out?

julliff

No,

I can’t see him moving out – he has no job, and no other family. His best friend is in London, which is miles away.

I did think about relate, but quite honestly, I don’t have the will. I am sick of all of it, I’m done. From not being able to have a different opinion without him getting in a mood. For example if a certain singer comes on the radio, he just moans – EVERY TIME. We have to listen to his opinion on everything, over and over again. And it is not just one singer, it is anyone he doesn’t like, and there are many. Alf Garnet eat your heart out.

He is completely negative about anything that isn’t something he likes.

He drinks too much. I want to be able to do things where there is not someone moaning if there is no bar.

I want to be able to say I’m tired and I don’t want to drive to x,y,z and not be made to feel guilty/boring/mean.

I want to be able to go to family functions or school events and not worry about OH being in a mood for some trivial/made up reason.

The list goes on.

I want to feel free from all of that. I want to know who I am,

scubaangel

julliff wrote: »

No,

I can’t see him moving out – he has no job, and no other family. His best friend is in London, which is miles away.

I did think about relate, but quite honestly, I don’t have the will. I am sick of all of it, I’m done. From not being able to have a different opinion without him getting in a mood. For example if a certain singer comes on the radio, he just moans – EVERY TIME. We have to listen to his opinion on everything, over and over again. And it is not just one singer, it is anyone he doesn’t like, and there are many. Alf Garnet eat your heart out.

He is completely negative about anything that isn’t something he likes.

He drinks too much. I want to be able to do things where there is not someone moaning if there is no bar.

I want to be able to say I’m tired and I don’t want to drive to x,y,z and not be made to feel guilty/boring/mean.

I want to be able to go to family functions or school events and not worry about OH being in a mood for some trivial/made up reason.

The list goes on.

I want to feel free from all of that. I want to know who I am,

Julliff, it sounds to me as though you are well on your way to working that much out.

A complaint I often heard from my mum when she and my dad were falling out was that over 16 years she had stopped being ''annie'' and was only known as scubasmum, or thewifeof..., things which in her case werent helped by my dads insistance that she didnt need to work because her work was at home with myself and my sister. Once she moved out it was pretty clear to everyone except my dad that she was happy and rediscovering herself, and had time for her hobbies and interests instead of merely following her husbands interests and trying to fit the housework around the things he wanted her to be doing.

Small things like being able just to wander down to the local pub for a drink with her friends which he wouldnt allow her to do alone but refused to do with her, or he had a gym membership for years because he liked to play squash but wouldnt allow her to have one too because it was too expensive or a waste of money, then teased her about putting on weight, once she left she took up tap dancing, and loved it for the social life it helped her gain and the fact she was doing something she discovered she loved to do.

As for hubby being DD1's best friend at the moment in our household it was the other way around my younger sister had always been a daddies girl but after mum moved out it was her who followed because she couldnt deal with not having clean ironed clothes, homecooked meals etc, whereas although dad and I fought (and still do) like cat and dog I stayed taught myself how to use the washing machine and iron (albeit a skill I still havent mastered 10 years later) and to cook simple meals for myself when I was fed up of dads ready meals. Nonetheless once your holiday is out of the way and you make the difficult decisions about staying, going, asking him to leave etc you'll probably find your dd's get used to the idea of mum and dad not living together relatively although the first few weeks will be hard as they adjust to the fact that there really is no chance of you trying again and staying together.