Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hi

Yes, I did see it. the reason I told her it was her cousin is that I am not on facebook! I went in through OHs facebook login (I set it up for him so I know the password).

I know it was sneaky, but I just wanted to see what she was up to. I have never been interested in facebook, so I don't have a profile. If I had a profile, would she have written those things?

I haven't seen a solicitor yet. Dont really know how to find a good one, or how much they cost (poor excuse I know). I defeinitely need to speak to one, because I have this idea in my head that I will end up leaving, and then have to support OH in our house. I will end up in a bedsit, a s kids choose to stay in their own home. Of course OH is being Mr nice guy now.

I think the kids will choose who they live with, as forcing them will only alienate them anyway.

I realise now that I should have remained calm and said "Well, wherever you are living, we will both still be your parents". Instead, I got upset, which is probably the result she was looking for.

Dinah93

Stop beating yourself up when you're not perfect, its a hard situation and you're doing a good job of handling it.

If you can buy him out the house there is absolutely no reason in the world why a healthy man would get to keep the house for no reason. If neither of you can buy the other out, it will have to be sold. If you can keep the house then you probably have more chance the girls will stay with you, as they won't want to move, and you can provide a stable home where their father is going to seriously struggle to support them unless he pulls his finger out and gets a job.

Brighton_belle

juliffe - I'm sure she is just being a teenager (who reasonably may or may not have learned behaviour rather than genetically iherited from her Dad.
For what it is worth - I think you were right not to shout about swear words: save the true anger for the big issues. Swearing can be a way of letting strong emotions out. I know it is not nice, but she needs some freedom to express herself. If you go completely angry aboutwearing - what will you do over smoking and the bigger stuff?

I would recommend you go away this weekend and get some breathing space and recouperation space.

And just for added info: a good friend of mine who left her husband when she couldn't go on any more, put on such a determined bright face on for the children, who intially stayed with Dad, that, as they told her several years later, she devastated them as it appeared she didn't care at all about the immense suffering they were going through.

EDIT: re face book - no if you had a profile you would not beable to read her stuff: she would have to 'accept you as a friend' for you to have permission to enter. Either she will now delete her cousin, ,so he can't see either, or more worryingly, she has not set up any security on her page, so that anyone of facebook (yourself incl) could read her stuff - this is serious, as she could be at risk from predators looking for upset teenagers to befriend and be lovely to and groom. Now that IS very very important and needs to be address.

MrsAnnie

:grouphug: First of all have a big hug and hope you day turns out a little bit better than this morning.

Looking back to my teenage years, I agree that she is just going through the motions of being a stroppy teenager and trying to find herself. I think that any teenager would be stroppy when confronted by something she knows that she should not have done. But when all that is said and done, children will eventually see what side their bread is buttered on.

It must not be an easy situation for your daughters to be in. Like I wrote before living in the same house when separated, with children involved, gives everyone a glimmer of hope that mum and dad will eventually get back together and everything will be hunky dorey again. It does not look like this is going to happen and the animosity is building by the day.

I think it is time to make some difficult decisions, seeing a solicitor is a good start and perhaps looking at seperate living accomodations is another.

Go and enjoy the weekend with you sister and continue to talk to people about your situation. Family will usually be more supportive than we give them credit for.

Remember, a problam shared is a problem halved.

Dinah93

As regards finding a good solicitor, do you know anyone who is divorced who might be able to recomend theirs (or their ex's as the case may be!).

julliff

Hi All

I have managed to get a free half hour consultation with a family solicitor tomorrow.

I don't know about putting on a brave face - evreyone keeps telling me how tired I look! It is a minefield - you dont want loads of argy bargy, but you ont want the kids to think you dont care

Primrose

juliff - half an hour can pass very quickly so be sure to write down on a piece of paper now all the questions you want to ask so that nothing gets forgotten in the nervousness of the moment. Good luck.

MrsAnnie

Good Luck

As for your brave face - just be yourself! Stop worrying about what everyone will think!

msb5262

Good news about the solicitor's appointment. I'd also recommend a book which you could have a look at in the library - the Which? guide to divorce.
Keep going, you're doing well. It sounds as if you're being very brave and determined.
MsB x

hippychick1

I've just found this thread and read it all. Wow, it sounds like you really are doing the right thing. Honestly, your husband sounds just like mine. If ever I needed to bring an issue up, I just couldn't, don't even know why really. I just knew it would all be turned back on me, he has an answer for everything.

I have finally left, and am in my own (rented) house with my three children. It's really strange being here without him, and am still feeling terrible for breaking up the family, but as friends keep pointing out, it is not me who has broken our family up. It is him and his behaviour.

I've been in this house almost two months now, and am slowly starting to see that he has been quite controlling (don't think he knew he was doing it). He has now taken steps to improve his behaviour towards me and the kids and I feel torn again, whether to try again. I know deep down we've tried and tried before to make it work, and things will only deteriorate again, but it's so hard to deal with the guilt of splitting the family up.

You are so strong going to see a solicitor, I haven't managed to make that step yet, though it will only be a matter of time. Good luck!!!