Am I too controlling over money?

Dinah93

You are getting no support at home, financially or emotionally. I can't think of a big enough positive to overcome an unsupporttive partner.

Of course this is hard, but you were so, so unhappy, he has made absolutely no effort to get a job or change, and you're worrying he'll be angry your daughters came upstairs to be with you - THATS NOT NORMAL!

Only he can take responsibility for his own life, but all he is doing is making you feel guilty that he's not the man he wants to be, yet he resists any help you try to give him.

julliff

Thanks for your words.

I think you are right. For so long now I have tried to “fix” everything, and take everything on. I am just really tired now.

10 minutes ago I had a call from OH who said – I want to talk to you, I love you and I cant lose you this way,

I told him I was right in the middle of a critical piece of work (which was true), and I couldn’t talk right then.

I don’t want to have this conversation – I don’t know what I am going to say. I feel totally out of my depth

MrsAnnie

Sooner or later the two of you will need to talk.

But for now tell him that you need time to think about everything and that you need a little space right now, and you will sit down and talk when you are comfortable. Hopefully he will respect your wishes.

wannabe_sybil

Juliff - I hope you don't mind me posting. I think he is playing games. Of course he doesn't want to lose you - you pay the bills, you run the house, you look after the children.

I feel that he has so convinced you that everything is your fault that you are now struggling with trying to work out what is real and what is not.

I hope you don't mind me suggesting this, but you may find it extremely useful to have some sessions on your own with Relate. They are experts in relationships and can help you define what is real and what is not in your relationship.

It is not compulsory to talk to your husband - and you can say to him (stuck record) we will talk after the holiday, we will talk after the holiday.

Also, ask him how he is going to pay for his 'spends' on holiday.

Actually I think you are dealing with the situation very well and I hope all works out for you.

julliff

I rang him back, before I read your replies. Wish I had read them first.

I said, so you want to talk. He said, well, that was it really “I love you”. Then he added “or am I barking up the wrong tree?”

I said I just don’t know what I think, and I need some emotional space.

I then said, is that all? I was sort of hoping that he would say “I have let you down, but I am going to do x,y & Z”

But he didn’t. He started telling me how he felt lonely and isolated, and that he is being ousted. I told him that the kids had come to me, but he was upset because DD1 said that we were playing cards in “mums room”

I tried to tell him that I have been suffering with anxiety because of him & DD1, so he then said that I should not be so soft and he just didn’t want DD1 to play us like a fiddle.

I did mention what Dinah said about not getting any emotional or financial support, but he managed to avoid responding to that too. He did remind me how supportiv he was when I had a health scare before Christmas, and I have to admit, he was good at that time. The only thing was the health scare symptoms turend out to be due to anxiety!

I said the conversation was pointless, he agreed and that was that!

Dinah93

Sometimes these thing just run their course hon, he's not willing to change and you're going to worry yourself into an early grave going on as you are.

cathryn107

julliff wrote: »

.... so he then said that I should not be so soft and he just didn’t want DD1 to play us like a fiddle.

I'm a bit worried by a few things you've said about your H and DD1. He's informed her that she will be the one at fault if you split up. He's told you that the 'turning point' in your marriage was you believing her over this. He picks fights with her, and now he's claiming that she's maipulating both of you.

I've read your thread and it's clear that he's wrongly scapegoated you for a huge amount of stuff that is his own responsbility. Now that you're pushing back on this, I wonder whether he's now looking for someone else in the household who is a bit more vulnerable to shift the blame onto? Most worryingly, is he trying to manipulate you into scapegoating her as well?

MrsAnnie

If he feels lonely, isolated and ousted, he should be doing everything in his power to turn the situation around. And he is not. You are wishing that he is going to suddenly become a different person, be all lovey and profess his undying love for you and that all will be OK. I don't think it is going to happen.

I don't agree that you should put off have a proper talk indefinately. You both need to talk at some point in order to find closure.

julliff

Another horrendous evening.

When I got home there was a bunch of flowers in the kitchen with a note. I saw them and decided I would look at the note when no-on else was in the kitchen,
OH was cooking dinner


But then the note disappeared. OH went to sit with DD1 (Oh, and he was drinking beer as well). After 10 mins DD1 came storming out and slammed door. I asked what was wrong,but she wouldn't tell me.I then went out to shops,neither of kids wanted to come.

when I got back OH said, what are we doing to the kids? Then he told the noe contained stuff abot himself that he had never told anyone, but he screwed it up and put it in his pocket. Anyway, it sort of went on like that for ages, but not once did he say anything about his moods, not applying for jobs, money, etc etc. So I just feel like he is trying to get me to back down, and him still be the same.

DD2 was really upset too. she said she wished she was at school all the time.

What a mess. I dont think OH can give me space - being in the same house just isn't going to work

Caroline73_2

Flowers are a token gesture Juliff - don't forget that you probably paid for them.

DD1 has been told something to wind her up, if she won't tell you just say something along the lines of 'if you want to tell me later I'll be here to listen'

Ignore what your OH says - it's manipulative 'stuff about himself he's never told anyone'. Well you're his wife so there should be lots of things you know he hasn't told anyone else. He should have done it months ago. Too little too late.

Your kids aren't angry with you but with the separation. Don't let him manipulate them, just be a good loving mum and ignore their tantrums that your OH seems to be causing.