Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Not sure if there are other options in your situation?

I dont think so. House is half his, and he wont leave.

I am hoping to get permanent position so I can try to buy him out.

He is on about finishing DIY so we can sellwhen market picks up,

nearlyrich

julliff wrote: »

Oh, yes,and when I mentioned about him calling me a c*nt, he said it wasn't that bad, not as if he had punched me in the face!!

I must admit, I am left wondering if I am being harsh. When Isaid about the financial resposibility, he said,well I do all the DIY - which is true.

Am I unfairly tearing my family apart?

Point one I would walk away if anyone called me that let alone my husband and in my book it's as bad as being punched in the face. ( And I have had a bad experience with my ex and domestic violence) Point two you are not being harsh, he is a controlling bully and you are falling for his spin, been there done that, even to the extent that my ex used the same excuse for not doing anything around the house because he did all the DIY:mad:

You are not tearing your family apart you are saving yourself from this monster please don't let him talk you into changing your mind.

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

Oh, yes,and when I mentioned about him calling me a c*nt, he said it wasn't that bad, not as if he had punched me in

Bloody hell, these are the two options?! How about not using gutter words to the mother of your children.

You are doing what is best for you and your DDs, you shouldn't have to carry emotional flotsam for the rest of your life out of guilt.

julliff

Thanks for your replies.

OH has gone out, didn't say where but assured me he wasn't going to bad mouth me. Don't know why he felt obliged to say this.

Amyway, it does feel quite peaceful in the house.

Before he went out he contrived an argument with DD1 - I think he is just lashing out. So, I don't think kids are too upset he has gone out tonight.

I also told them that he is moving downstairs. They didn't take it too badly, I suppose it means he is still there. I said that OH and I are going to try to be friends ( I am trying to rise above the name calling and stuff), hope that helps them.

I found out tonight that DD2 has told her friends ( one of the Mums said sorry to hear about....). I haven't even toldmy family yet. Still, if it helps her, then I dont mind.

MrsAnnie

Pleased to hear that your children are not taking it too, too badly. Sounds like they are coping and being mature about the situation. And yes it is a good thing that DD can talk to others about it and that she is not bottling it up.

I would worry that if you are both still living under the same roof that he will still be reliant on you and get comfortable about having the best of both worlds. But I do see what you are saying, financially it is difficult for either of you to move out, sell up or buy him out.

Not sure which option I would choose, verbal abuse or physical abuse?:eek: Would have to toss a coin because both choices are as bad as eachother!


Good on you for continuing to stand your ground with him :cool:.

PS. Have you cut up the additional CC?

julliff

No, I haven't done the credit card yet.

I am not sure about what to do re the money. He might want access to our savings, and take half, but then if we end up divorcing, will I have to give him half again, making it 75%?

I'm not really money orientated, but I need to secure my childrens future.

BTW, I have been reading a lot about "covert aggression", and if others feel in a similar situation, they may find the following useful and enlightening (I want to get the book now)

http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html

Between this thread, and my other thread, I think OH has got all of these covered!

Dinah93

It's too simplistic to say he'd get half of what was left as it depends on who has custody, who gets the house etc, but the first thing you need to do is clear all joint debts or debts in your name, as you don't want to end up disadvantaged.

If you can show those savings are for your girls college fund, then they might have to be turned into their names, but i doubt either of you would get them. Maybe see if there are any child trusts where the money would mature when they turn 18 or 21 or something.

Any debts in just your name would be down to you only to pay. Any joint debts are jointly liable, HOWEVER as he is not earning, if he refuses to pay they will only come after you as you are easier to get the money from, so please, don't ignore the debts and pay off everything you can so that you are not left with them once solicitors have finished hashing it out.

If he notifies the bank you have split you may well find you do't have access to any funds to pay off bills, debts etc, get your salary moved to an account in just your name, and pay off all the debt he has run up using his redundancy money while you still have access to it.

MrsAnnie

Financial settlements in divorce are never straightforward, each situation is different. Maybe you should seek the advice of CAB or a solicitor so that you know what to expect and how to proceed. Keep your wits about you and try to seperate the financial issues from the emotional issues. Easier said then done, but it will be better in the long run.

julliff

Last night I paid the credit card bill, as it was obvious he had not. This morning he asked me about the bill, and I told him that I had paid it. He said, we will have to go through it. Why now? I told him last week, that it had to be paid by the end of the week!

I stayed upstairs and after a while the kids came to join me. DD2 wanted to play Monopoly. She had asked OH and he didn’t want to. He stayed in front room with DD1 watching TV. After a while she came up too.

I started to worry that OH would say that I was somehow to blame that we were all upstairs and he was not, or at least that is what he would be thinking. But I didn’t call them up, they came up of there own free will. I was just reading on the bed.

Anyway, if I go and sit with him, then I am not getting the space I really need right now. I hope that doesn’t make me a bad person.

I also keep questioning myself – am I being too harsh? I am really, really grateful for all of the support I have had here, but have I made him out to be bad, when really he isn’t? I haven’t said anything that isn’t true, but have I just focussed on the negatives?

My head is all over the place. I swing from feeling quite euphoric because I am not trying to make everything right all the time, to quite wretched as I am breaking up the family. I think OH sees me as hard and heartless now, because I am trying to act so normal.

MrsAnnie

Neither of you are 'bad'. But I feel that you are trying to take on all the responsibility for everyones happiness. You are even analysising the consequences of being upstairs with both your DDs . You should be able to be where you want in the house without the worry of being blamed for it! Is it you OH that is putting this guilt on you or are you placing it on yourself?

Since you say that you have only focused on the negatives. Can you tell us what the positives are?

You are probably 'all over the place' because you are trying to hard to keep you family together instead of looking after yourself and your own needs and letting you OH look after himself. Yes, some men do seem to to need to be catered for and pampered but not at the sacrifice of you own individuality and sanity. You are not bad by choosing where you want to be, with who you want to spend any moment in time with etc.

I read through your other post last night, and I wanted to cry for you. The picture you paint is not a happy one and seemingly hasn't been for a long time. Couple sometimes grow apart and that is life but I think during times of uncertainty we want to hang on to those that are familiar. As the saying goes 'better the devil you know than the one you don't'. Nobody wants to walk away from a marriage and see a family split but sometimes we must.

I walked away from an abusive marriage 10 years ago and it absolutely gutted me, I have my moments where I wish deep down inside that my daughters had a mum and dad that lived happily ever after under one roof, but I know in my head that the relationship would NEVER have turned out that way. I am happy now and my DDs have a calm environment and are happy.


Whatever you choose, whether it is to stay and fight on or leave and be at peace, do it because YOU want to. Don't stay because of how you think others will see you. People on the outside can look in and cast judgement but only you can decide what if best for you and your DDs.