Am I too controlling over money?

Caroline73_2

Give the girls space. Be honest with them if they ask though, they'll hurt now but appreciate it in the long run.

You've done the right thing. Good luck.

julliff

Hi all,

thanks for your lovely messages of support.

I am at work now, so I am a bit more able to type.

I did speak to DD1 before I left the house, as she was going to bed. She said, don’t do this. I want to get away from you both. She also said that Dad has no-one, you have everyone. She sees me as the villain.

DD2 just cried and wouldn’t speak.

My heart is breaking for them.

As before, OH says he can’t move out, but will move downstairs. Initially, he said he hoped we could be amicable about it, but then got angrier, and I got angry back (that is when he said – I am seeing a different side t you, I think you are a c*nt). He knows I hate swearing, so that was designed to hit home.

When I brought up problems, he kept saying “so is that your beef?” in a very hostile way. He also said, he had come to the conclusion that we are no good for each other as the last few days have been hell – me walking out of a room when he came in etc. I wanted to reply that I have had years of feeling like that, but what would be the point.


I told him I knew he had not been looking for jobs, and he said that I had been checking up on him. Another deflection there.


Anyway, he told me he wanted more s*x, so the whole marriage breakdown is my fault. Maybe.

I am worn out with it all

geoffky

i think he is bored and deppressed..

hbloomers

Hello Julliff. Read the thread and I must say that I agree with your decision to leave your OH. My parents split up when I was 11, and I know that if they had stayed together they would not have had a happy relationship, and the mood in the house would've been awful. It might take a while for your girls to come around, but they will eventually. Its hard for kids when parents split up, but given time they will understand why you took the decision and thank you for it. I know I was grateful my parents split up.

Perhaps this seperation is just the thing your OH will need to actually start looking for work? He'll finally get a kick up the behind and start looking for jobs/training etc etc. As for the credit card, I'd pay it off from his redundancy, and then cancel it. You don't need his debt hanging over you, especially as you may be applying for a new mortgage etc in the near future. It might also be worth working out the average amount you spend weekly on your kids, and telling him that he should pay half from the money he has left? I know my parents found it difficult when they split to adjust to having less money in the pot, so splitting the cost of my sister and myself between them really helped.

On a side note... he wanted more s*x, yet when you made advances earlier he would just brush you off? He's just making more excuses for himself, and trying to pin the blame on you. From what I've read, it seems you've done everything possible to save your relationship and it also appears that you've been putting in 90% of the effort. Treat yourself to a night out on the town with a few friends You deserve it!

julliff

Morning.

Raining outside, raining inside too.

Is it a clever trick that your mind plays that suddenly you start to remember all the good times? I feel like someone has died.

Kids so sad this morning, husband non communicative. Girls caught me crying. I don’t know whether that is a good thing, or a bad thing. I don’t want them to think I am a heartless monster, but I don’t want to scare them.

Haven’t told anyone yet, it will make it too real.

On a more positive and practical note, it looks like I am going to be offered a permanent position. This will give me more security, and possibly the chance to buy out OH (it is very difficult to get a mortgage when you are a contractor of less than 3 years I believe).

Trying not to cry, as I am back at work - very tired as I only got in at 3am yesterday.

Dinah93

Crying is natural, if it feels like you want to have a blub, then do. I would say its probably a good thing your DDs saw you, they know you're hurting too.

The reason he has no one is no one wants to hang around with a looser! I respect my OH, and I respect my friends, if I didn't then I don't think we would be friends anymore.

That would be great if you could buy him out. Obviously it will be uncomfortable for a while, but its not your place to keep propping him up financially. He's going to have to get a job, and take care of himself like an adult. Scary stuff for him I bet.

He's deflecting, making you feel like the bad guy, when you've put in effort and he hasn't! As for checking up on him, grrrr that makes me angry! 'Checking up' shouldn't be an issue cos he should have been applying for the jobs anyway! As for the sex thing, you tried earlier in the week, but if he tries this one again I'd be tempted to say 'what am I supposed to find sexy about a man who doesn't support his family, can't be bothered to go out into the real world, and would rather spend his time with ebay than his wife?'

And yes, it's a not so clever trick your mind plays. I kept harking back to the good times wondering if I'd made a mistake when I left my violent ex - he was terrifying when he was down, but when he was up he was really funny. Luckily my OH is funny, kind, gentle, responsible and doesn't resort to violence if he doesn't get his own way, so I can assure you, you will be happy again.

MrsAnnie

I feel so sad for you :grouphug:. You know that you have tried so very hard to make the relationship work - and your OH has seeming been nothing more than a bump on a log. IMO anyone that calls their wife/gf a c*nt has absolutely no respect for them - the word sends a shudder through me. You do derserve so much more than what this man has to offer.

You are grieving, don't hold back the tears. It show your DDs that it is ok to show their emotions. Allow your DDs to be happy, sad, angry, resentful. They are going through this too. Let them know that you are there for them to talk, to offer advice, just to listen, or be a shoulder to cry on.

:Tcongrats on the permanent position. Its come at a good time, at the very least you will have the peace of mind that a steady paycheck is coming in. I think you need to start looking to get your own finances in order i.e. the accounts and cards.

Brighton_belle

For help with kids and divorce, google:Dr Christina Mcghee

An mse friend highly recomend this woman's website - helped her tremdously with her DS when she and ex split last year.
Can't see the harm in DD's seeing that mum is hurting too. I think just being open and honest, yet staying the adult with them, is the best way forward. If your husband is clever enough to make you feel responsible for all your problems, then he will have been able to manipulate your daughters to feel the same and that he's the innocent victim. It will take time for them to see a bigger picture.
You cannot go on as things have been though; that will have done them just as much harm I think.
Have to taken every action you can to prevent his maxing debt that you will be liable for? Please do asap.

Dinah93

One thing though, before he cops on, pay off the credit card in your name that he ran up using his redundnacy, you could find you're left with that if you don't sort it pronto.

scubaangel

Julliff Im absolutely certian your DD's will come around I and my sister were reacted exactly the same way when our parents split up, Mum left because my Dad was constantly condescending, treated her like a skivy, made it more than clear he considered her job to be beneath his wife (he seemed to think his wage alone would pay the bills, clothes for us, activities etc and let him do the things he ''needed'' for work like his golf clubs - all three memberships etc) and paid no attention to her around the house.

Looking back we can see now how bad things were but as she moved out in to a small house initially we had to stay with our Dad who did all he could to make her out to be the bad guy at the same time as expecting us, his two daughters aged 16 and 14 to pick up all her household chores so he didnt have to get off his backside and leave his all important sky sports channel.

Believe me you have done the right thing, its hard but give them time and they will come to understand your reasons for doing this.

Best of luck for your new future!