Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hi All

It isn’t just for DD1. It is also for DD2. When she said she just wanted to be happy, she said she wanted us all to be happy as a family. She cried so hard, I could not bear it. We promised each other we would forget everything and be happy. Then we went to watch a film (I invited DD1 but she said no, and stayed in the other room).

The thing is, I thought that kids would be happier without OH. I detailed some examples in my other thread:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1580793

I was wrong, they still want their Dad around,

The peace and happiness I thought I would find will never be mine. I can pretend to be happy. I have done it for years, even fooling myself.

DD1 may be using tactics, but she is also hurting. I tried to hug her this morning, but she would not hug me back. She said I upset her too much the night before. I don’t know if she is discussing things with her Dad.

How I wish I were a “Troll” and none of this were real.

msb5262

You sound as if it's all very difficult. Don't take any big decisions at the moment but please find someone to talk to - go to the GP or call the Samaritans or make an appointment through Relate. You need some help and support face to face or on the phone.
Best wishes,
MsB

Dinah93

But you are not going to be this happy family she wants, he's spending money you don't have, you're going to stay stressed, you don't respect him and he has physically rejected you. This really is not the stuff the Waltons are made of. I'd love to have my house deposit just appear in the bank, but it isn't going to happen, sometimes we have to be realistic.

They're also not about to forget you want to divorce him just because you watch a few films together. A healthy, happy family structure is their template for their own family. Do you want your daughters to settle like this?

DD1 is understandably upset, but also using tactics. And this kind of illustrates my point. Shes seen it work for her dad, so shes doing the only thing she knows how to. And you're showing her that in fact, it works.

Ask yourself, if one of your friends, or your sister said they were so unhappy at home they wished they were dead, would you ever, EVER advise them to stay for the sake of the family? To live a life of pretense, when they only get one go at it? Life is too short. Your DDs get to make theirs soon, you're throwing away yours.

I don't honestly think you're going to listen anymore, as you've already made the decision your life isn't worth fighting for. As we've all said, speak to someone else before deciding on this.

I've tried to offer advice from the beginning of this thread, but I can't help but feel this is going to devastate you and you're going to look back on your life with regret, especially when you see your DDs being walked all over too. Myself and many other people have made this viewpoint repeatedly, so I'm now going to try to duck out because I honestly can't bear to see someone knowingly hurting herself under the flimsy belief it is best for her family.

julliff

Really Sorry dinah. You have been good to me, and I wont forget it. I wish you all the best.

Many thanks to you all. You are all awesome.

Seraphseven

julliff wrote: »

Really Sorry dinah. You have been good to me, and I wont forget it. I wish you all the best.

Many thanks to you all. You are all awesome.

Juliff, This is really not the right move, I strongly advise you to reread this thread from start to finish,

You are not just leaving him for yourself, Your job as a parent is to teach your kids how to live their lives, unless you want them to end up in unhappy or even abusive marriages too then it's tough love time.

It's just like ripping a plaster off the longer you drag it out the more it's going to hurt everyone, Rip it off now Juliff and start rebuilding your own happiness. This fella has destroyed your self esteem and honestly, It makes me so angry that he better hope he never meets me. :mad:

I implore you not to stay in a situation in which you are unhappy, it's soul destroying and you will only end up regretting all the wasted years when you do finally get to the end of your tether and leave.

All of us that have read your story have been gunning for you to leave and start your newer, happier life with your two DD's! They will come around i guarantee you but if you don't leave you will all grow to resent each other (you will resent them for being the reason you stayed and they will resent you for making yourself unhappy for their sake)

As Dinah says, Life is far too short to be unhappy, You may be scared about starting a new life but i've got a feeling that underneath you are a survivor and will do whatever it takes to make a happier, healthier life for yourself and your two DD's :A

msb5262

I'm with Dinah.
I've tried to offer advice from the beginning of this thread, but I can't help but feel this is going to devastate you and you're going to look back on your life with regret, especially when you see your DDs being walked all over too. Myself and many other people have made this viewpoint repeatedly, so I'm now going to try to duck out because I honestly can't bear to see someone knowingly hurting herself under the flimsy belief it is best for her family.
Wishing you all the best.
MsB x

dinkytwostep

Hi Julliff
I've read and re-read the thread and to be honest I think you definitely should not go on the holiday in August. You need peace and quiet and you won't enjoy being away. Trust me your DD's will see this too and it will affect them. Let them go with OH - but only give OH a prepaid card with his redundancy money on it and make sure he has no other access to cash. Let your family know he has enough money for the hols and doesn't need extra help (that way he can't scrounge off them).
At the moment the holiday will not do you any good. you need space for yourself. Take the time and maybe book yourself in for a massage or a retreat for a day or two - just to get your head around it. You could just tell the girls you aren't feeling very well and the doctor has told you to have complete rest . You have decided to drop out of it this year but they are to enjoy themselves. Let them know it's only because you can't do all the activities and don't want to be holding them back while they are away.
If the girls can be trusted with their own holiday money now may be a good time to introduce them to 'budgeting'... DD1 will soon find out OH won't give her more when hers runs out. DD2 will learn too.

dinkytwostep

Re the driving and arrangements let your OH and daughters work out what to do. Trains/buses all add to the excitement. It will stand you in good stead for next year. They can plan the holiday better

dinkytwostep

and you will get a break from all the driving next time
(sorry hit post by mistake)

seven-day-weekend

I feel so sorry for both the OP and her daughters and can understand that it isn't that easy just to 'walk away' when her daughters want their father in their lives.

What a terrribly sad situation and I wish the OP well, whatever she decides to do. In or out of her marriage she will need a lot of help and support, it's not right to abandon her just because she has chosen to take a certain path. She needs friends whatever she decides to do.

In a way I admire her, there are far too many people just 'walking away', she has chosen a different path and maybe she can make it work.

Let this forum offer help and support WHATEVER her decision, if that is what she wants.