Am I too controlling over money?

flossy_splodge

Dinah93 wrote: »

Agree completely with Flossy Splodge (whose name makes me giggle!), he has no hang ups about spending your money on frivolities so why should you worry about spending his on essentials? I think you need legal advice since you seem to be scared of what will happen when the money runs out, and it would be best for you not to still be around him when that happens.

I SO agree!
Hope you like the name as well as having a giggle!!:rotfl:It has sentimental significance and the splodge part made my avatar for me.:T

julliff

Hello All

Still feeling very flat. Doesn't help that the kids have gone back to school now, so I am on my own with OH. I find myself going out a lot!

Flossy-Splodge (great name), I actually want to take my name off bank account where OH has remnants of the redundancy, because, as sure as eggs is eggs, he will send that account overdrawn.

I have not asked again for money, I dont have the will or energy. I know I should, but maybe I am getting a bit depressed, but I cannot be bothered.

OH has told DD1 he can go to Ireland with him to a wedding we have been invited to (as I dont want to go). Wedding is in less than 3 weeks, and as far as I am aware, he has not made any arrangements. He had been looking at hotel sites today, but as for getting there!! I think he will find it difficult without a car, but I am not getting involved.


Anyway, I have now had 3 job offers, and am in areal tizz as to which one to take. contract is VERY attractive financially, and will in all probability be renewed for at least 2 years. One permanent job, but is with a new company, so is a bit of a leap into the unknown. Another permanent job is my old job, which actually I do not have a firm offer for, but they keep texting me. TBH, the reason I would go for this is because the people are great, and I dont want to let them down.

I am finding it really hard to make a decision! I am leaning towards contract, because I should be able to build up some capital for my new life IYSWIM. It is also at my old company, so there will be a lot of familiar faces.

julliff

dianh,

Been watching your Lose a stone running total - you are doing brilliantly - well done!!

flossy_splodge

julliff wrote: »

Hello All

Still feeling very flat. Doesn't help that the kids have gone back to school now, so I am on my own with OH. I find myself going out a lot!

Flossy-Splodge (great name), I actually want to take my name off bank account where OH has remnants of the redundancy, because, as sure as eggs is eggs, he will send that account overdrawn.

I have not asked again for money, I dont have the will or energy. I know I should, but maybe I am getting a bit depressed, but I cannot be bothered.

OH has told DD1 he can go to Ireland with him to a wedding we have been invited to (as I dont want to go). Wedding is in less than 3 weeks, and as far as I am aware, he has not made any arrangements. He had been looking at hotel sites today, but as for getting there!! I think he will find it difficult without a car, but I am not getting involved.


Anyway, I have now had 3 job offers, and am in areal tizz as to which one to take. contract is VERY attractive financially, and will in all probability be renewed for at least 2 years. One permanent job, but is with a new company, so is a bit of a leap into the unknown. Another permanent job is my old job, which actually I do not have a firm offer for, but they keep texting me. TBH, the reason I would go for this is because the people are great, and I dont want to let them down.

I am finding it really hard to make a decision! I am leaning towards contract, because I should be able to build up some capital for my new life IYSWIM. It is also at my old company, so there will be a lot of familiar faces.

Do you already have a bank account solely in your name?
If so, does he know about it?
If not, suggest you get one asap and ensure your salary goes into THAT and not one he knows about.
Don't worry, it's really easy to get depressed at such times but once you decide on your job you will have something else to focus on.
Don't think anyone can help you with the decision about the job as only you know ALL the facts so maybe go with your gut instinct. We usually DO know what to do but allow 'facts' to cloud the issue. Trust yourself!
You'll be fine.
Just look at how far you've got already!
Pat yourself on the back and be proud. Well done you.:T

julliff

Hi All

YEs, flossy-Splodge - I have my business bank account, and all my income goes in thier. I have also just opened a new Nationwide Account in my name only, so that I can put money in there just for my use. I have my new card, just waiting for pin now.

I got a letter from Nationwide confirming that the additional cardholder has been removed. However, they say that I will be liable for any transactions that go through, until the card is destroyed. A bit miffed about this, as it means I will have to ask for card back, which could cause problems. I thought that he would just be blocked if he tried to use it now.

I have decided to take the contract, and have told other agencies, companies etc, so it is a done deal now. I am not going to dwell on it anymore, and just concentrate on getting back on an even keel.

I am also toying with "going public". By this I mean so far, I have only told one sister - I have not told Mum, Dad, or other sisters. It is awkward though, as we arestill living in the same house. And he is the father of my kids. I am nervous about telling my Mum, as she is a bit of a man hater (My Dad was a pig of a man when we were growing up). I dont think it will be helpful if she gets all bitter on my behalf. At the same time, I could do with a bit of support.

I think she already knows something is up,so it wont be a huge shock.

Does anyone know, if I want to buy out OH,can he refuse? Can he force a house sale to a third party?

Also, if I put some money in kids accounts, will it be safe from divorce lawyers?

OH has taken kids to town today. Apparently, he has sold some stuff, so he is going to buy them lunch etc. Well, he doesn't have anything else to spend that money on,does he? Grrrrr. Anyway, it is nice to have the house to myself for a while.

A bit worried that the trip to Ireland that DD1 is so excited about will end in tears (for her).

Feeling very anxious about everything. Nowthat the holiday is over, DD2 is getting all excited about her birthday, and organising stuff for it. (End of Oct). Now, this could go on forever, and I could think "I'd better not rock the boat now, as it will spoil xyz". What is life so damned difficult?

Sorry to ramble, but I needed to offload! thanks to you all for being there!:T

Bufger

tell him to sort himself out or you'll leave him. I realise you will want to save your marriage but at any cost?? Will he change without such a drastic altimatum? you have to judge what he'll respond to as we dont know him. One thing i do know is that you sound like the perfect wife and he sounds like a teenager.

Dinah93

julliff wrote: »

I got a letter from Nationwide confirming that the additional cardholder has been removed. However, they say that I will be liable for any transactions that go through, until the card is destroyed. A bit miffed about this, as it means I will have to ask for card back, which could cause problems. I thought that he would just be blocked if he tried to use it now.

Call them back up, tell them the wallet was left on a train with the card in so it needs to be cancelled now.

I have decided to take the contract, and have told other agencies, companies etc, so it is a done deal now. I am not going to dwell on it anymore, and just concentrate on getting back on an even keel.

I was going to say I would take the contract if I was you as it is the one you sound eager about, provided you can get a morgage on a non permanent job?

I am also toying with "going public". By this I mean so far, I have only told one sister - I have not told Mum, Dad, or other sisters. It is awkward though, as we arestill living in the same house. And he is the father of my kids. I am nervous about telling my Mum, as she is a bit of a man hater (My Dad was a pig of a man when we were growing up). I dont think it will be helpful if she gets all bitter on my behalf. At the same time, I could do with a bit of support.

You need the support, and you need to start moving on, tell people.

Does anyone know, if I want to buy out OH,can he refuse? Can he force a house sale to a third party?

You need legal advice on this, I very much doubt he could refuse if you are keeping the kids and you can buy him out of the house as this will enable a clean divorce, which is always the prefered option.

Also, if I put some money in kids accounts, will it be safe from divorce lawyers?

Have asked my fiancee, he says it should be, except he will usually have right to access the accounts of his children so could take it out himself directly. Give some money to your mum, draw it out in small amounts, and get her to keep it for you.

A bit worried that the trip to Ireland that DD1 is so excited about will end in tears (for her).

Feeling very anxious about everything. Nowthat the holiday is over, DD2 is getting all excited about her birthday, and organising stuff for it. (End of Oct). Now, this could go on forever, and I could think "I'd better not rock the boat now, as it will spoil xyz". What is life so damned difficult?

I know its hard, but sit back and let the Ireland thing take its course. If he messes up, this will hurt your DDs I know, but they are going to be angry at him and make you leaving easier.

I know we've all said it before, but you need to stop putting off seeing a solicitor. After your DDs birthday you'll have the excuse of Christmas. So how about a compromise, go see a solicitor, start getting things in order, then the week after your DDs birthday you can actually serve the papers or whatever. Personally though I think hanging around another 2 months is far too long, especially since you'll have gone back to work and he might try to argue he is the primary carer of your DDs which is why he doesn't work, and you'd have to pay him and he could get to stay in the house with your daughters. For all your sakes please go to the solicitor asap as at the moment you are only helping him.

His money will run out soon. Its a pain but only buy what you need for you and your DDs for that day at the supermarket, don't leave any food in the house for him, start making life difficult. He is being a complete pain and because of this you don't want to ask for money, or start the divorce - he's getting his own way! You can't be nice and think he will too, hes already shown hes nasty.

julliff wrote: »

dianh,

Been watching your Lose a stone running total - you are doing brilliantly - well done!!

Thanks hon, hoping to get another 8lbs off then I can go try on my first wedding dress!

julliff wrote: »

Hello All

Still feeling very flat. Doesn't help that the kids have gone back to school now, so I am on my own with OH. I find myself going out a lot!

Flossy-Splodge (great name), I actually want to take my name off bank account where OH has remnants of the redundancy, because, as sure as eggs is eggs, he will send that account overdrawn.

If it is in credit you should be able to take your name off the account easily, once its in debt you can't. Unless it's with the Alliance & Leicester, they are complete bstards about it.

I have not asked again for money, I dont have the will or energy. I know I should, but maybe I am getting a bit depressed, but I cannot be bothered.

OH has told DD1 he can go to Ireland with him to a wedding we have been invited to (as I dont want to go). Wedding is in less than 3 weeks, and as far as I am aware, he has not made any arrangements. He had been looking at hotel sites today, but as for getting there!! I think he will find it difficult without a car, but I am not getting involved.

In Ireland unless hes flying directly to where the hotel is he will struggle, their public transport is intermittent at best.

Anyway, I have now had 3 job offers, and am in areal tizz as to which one to take. contract is VERY attractive financially, and will in all probability be renewed for at least 2 years. One permanent job, but is with a new company, so is a bit of a leap into the unknown. Another permanent job is my old job, which actually I do not have a firm offer for, but they keep texting me. TBH, the reason I would go for this is because the people are great, and I dont want to let them down.

I am finding it really hard to make a decision! I am leaning towards contract, because I should be able to build up some capital for my new life IYSWIM. It is also at my old company, so there will be a lot of familiar faces.

You need to have started divorce proceedings for any money from the new contract to be safe, any savings you make now he will get some of, so (please, I know I keep saying it) go and see a solicitor. Telling your family is a good step forward, but legally its not going to help you protect you or your DDs

Brighton_belle

Hi juliffe - sorry I haven't been around since you returned from hols, but some great support andadvice from others as ever.
You have moved on so far and are doing very very well. I not not suprised you are feeling a bit low, but as others are urging - bite the bullet and see a solicitor, get the cc cancelled as 'lost' pronto, and get yourself protected.
It is going to be hard your your DD's when ever you start, but I am heartened by the chance you have had to improve things with DD1. That is very good news, although I appreciate it will not always be plain sailing.
There have been some great posts from people who grew up in similar circs that I hope have helped you know you are doing the right thing by them and well as yourself, though it may not immediately always seem like it. Technically, there should be no reason why dad can plan trips with them when you are divorced, though I can't help but here the slight honking of the pig as it flies past my window...

Well done on making a decdion re the job - indecision is very wearing as I well know, and you were right to weigh everything up, but I hope with that decsion made, that is one more load lightened. ( and wow - so many offers: hope you feel valued and appreciated in that part of your life at least)

I can't reiterate enough how well you are doing: the progress you have made in terms of self believe in your right to be treated well and with respect and to lead a good quality of life is wonderful to read. I can't imagine how hard it must still be for you, but totally understand that it is.
All those little baby steps have made a huge difference: keep going. Plenty of us are cheering you on from the side lines.

julliff

hi all

Just a quick update.

I am now back at work, all going well. I feel like I made the right decision on which job to take.

I was cross when I arrived home after first day - washing up still on the sink, no attempt at dinner. I ended up cooking & cleaning up, while OH and kids watched TV! I dont feel like I can rant at the kids,when OH does zilch! Well, he did do some decking last week.

OH & DD1 are in Ireland at the moment. It is peaceful here with DD2, although she was REALLY upset when they left, as she wanted to go as well. She could not stop crying. Not in a bratty way - she really is a lovely girl. She has cheered up a bit, and we have been playing board games and cooking together.

I rang up my existing mortgage provider today, and asked if it is possible for me to take over mortgage, and increase it to buy out OH. Response was favourable, subject to acceptance (I told them I am a contractor, and it was not a problem). this is good news, as it will be simpler when the time comes to stay with existing provider.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the solicitor. I am not sure how to progress though. Do I let the letter arrive on the mat, or should I tell OH that I have been to solicitor before the letter arrives? I must admit, both ideas are terrifying me. As is teling the kids. I think DD2 thinks we can carry on like this permanently. so sad for her.

OH is getting through redundancy at a rate of knots, so I think it will come to a head soon anyway. I managed to get him to sign form taking me off joint Nationwide account, so if he goes overdrawn, then it is nothing to do with me.

I also snuck onto his paypal account and removed my credit card from it. He will be shocked if he tries to buy anything else.

scubaangel

Fab news about the mortgage provider, and well done for sticking with your course of action this far.

For me I'd prehaps tell him youre going to the solicitors and why so its not a complete shock (I know it shouldnt be but from what you've said and the past events he may still be hoping you'll go back again).

Good luck!