Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hello

thanks for replying.

Have taken advice and texted friend to see if we can meet up.

Also, have got two tickets for a musical to go to with DD2 - tonight!
Its only a local production, but I will enjoy it, and so will DD2.

In the past I have avoided going out, as whenever I did, I would come home to a realy bad atmosphere where DD1 had annoyed OH.


Sorry, cant write much just now, I am at work.

Many, many thanks to you all.

Fitzio

Hi Julliff,

Just read your thread quickly. You have done a great job at holding it together. Your OH is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself.

If I were you I would not give him his full "spending money" each month. His redundancy pay may equate to his wages, but he has to realise he is not earning the same money any more. That money should be saved as a back up for emergencies and in case he still can't get work after 6 months. I guess to him, his income hasn't changed, he just has extra time on his hands for the same money.

And if you are thinking of leaving him, he will have to contribute to your daughters, so don't let him spend the rest as he will be penniless and be off the hook.

You are meant to be a partnership. In our house, our money is ours, and no matter who earns more, we both share it and any significant unneccessery purchases would normally be mentioned to the other one. Your OH may be depressed, but you can't let him drag you down, and you have given him more than enough help to sort himself out. You need to leave him to it and cut his spending and credit cards so he realises he has no money.

Keep posting as you need support from somewhere.
x

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

Also, have got two tickets for a musical to go to with DD2 - tonight!
Its only a local production, but I will enjoy it, and so will DD2.

Hope you have a fab time tonight! Enjoy!

julliff

Hi all,

Well, I didn't get to musical last night, I have rebooked for tomorrow night. I did manage to half paint my toenails!

Have thought a lot about what is going on, and quite honestly, if OH thinks I am too controlling, then it is only because he has got no self control - the last week has proven that.

He has been busy sorting stuff out at home, in between ebaying, so at least he is doing something useful.

I am busy moving money into different accounts. I feel sort of sneaky, but I have this horrible feeling that he will want to dip into savings to fund his "habit"
I have worked long and hard to build up some savings to give us security, and to give kids a chance at University should they want to. I dont want it all blown on a load of old photographs.

In fact, I have some personal money, that I have built up. As well as weekly pocket money, we decided to give ourselves £50 monthly clothing allowance (which he spends on ebay). As I dont really spend mine, I have put it away, and it has built into a tidy sum. OH sometimes pesters me to give him some of that too! I dont think so.

I know that I wont say anything to him until he makes me angry (I have a slow fuse), and maybe he knows that too, so is acting all nice and getting on with jobs. (Maybe I am way too cynical). BUT, he hasn't applied for any jobs, training or driving lessons. Grrr.

I am struggling to do anything at the moment - I just keep staring at things that need doing.

Sorry for rubbish typing, but I dont really have time to proof read, in case anyone comes in.

whitewing

Why don't you see if he'd go on one of those residential driving courses, where you immerse yourself in it for a week, and then take your test.

It may give him confidence, and you can also tell me what it's like - I think DS may want to do one (but he's only 12 at the mo, lol).

julliff

Hi all

whitewing.

Thanks for the suggestion - have already suggested this, didn't really get a favourable response.

Well, I have to say, OH made a really good job of sorting out garage yesterday, he was doing it until about 10pm last night. Today, a friend is coming round to sort out front door, so OH wil be helping him with that.

Maybe its me.

Dinah93

It's not you. He's making a very small effort. Have you suggested he sells some of the stuff hes cleared out from the garage on ebay? About 10 years ago I used to buy a couple of bits a day on there (although at most I spent £20 a day), but in the end I had so much clutter I started selling it all again. I found it a lot more addictive selling, In January I made over £1000 just selling about 60 items of my old clothes.

Clearing out the garage is something people do without it being a big deal, but him just refusing to look for a job is dispicable, he's basically sticking two fingers up at you and saying 'I'd rather stay home, and I know you're not going to stand up to me in a way that will make me have to get a job, so staying at home and spending your money is exactly what I will do'.

julliff

Thanks all

I'n having a really bad day today - on the edge of tears. Things are so distant between us.

He is waiting for his friend to come round - sitting in his room (aka the dining room which he has taken over). Kids at Grandmas house,and me doing jobs in the house. I have said a couple of things to him, - smalltalk, but I just get the feeling that he wants me to leave him alone.

He is still buying on ebay. Thinking on it, the reason I am scared to talk to him, is because he makes me feel like everything is my fault. I keep thinking if I'd done this or that, then we would not have got to this point. (Other post goes into more detail, but it is a bit personal).

It is a mess

Lilith1980

Hi julliff

I've been following the thread but haven't posted anything until now.

I have found through experience with my DH that the reason they get angry is because they know they have done something wrong and feel guilty, but to displace their guilt they push the blame onto you.

I don't have much to say but I can see you are trying so hard with this situation. I think you are wise to keep your savings away from your OH, otherwise it seems like you could end up with nothing.

He is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his situation. Sitting on ebay frittering away money is not going to help this, but he has to see this for himself unfortunately.

Take care hun, things will work out one way or another ((hugs))

xx

glossgal

Sorry to see things haven't improved for you OP.

I suspect your OH is 'off' with you because he senses that your tolerance threshold is dwindling and he is on borrowed time. He is obviously scared or unwilling to change his situation and is probably panicking because he knows deep down that it will come to a head and have to stop. Nobody likes change and it's pretty normal for people to kick out or put the defences up when they sense it approaching-I wouldn't take this personally, it's more likely directed at himself than anything.

I can't really add to the comments I posted earlier in the thread, as I said I have similar experience (albeit to a lesser degree) of this and have had to accept that you can't change other people-you can rant, sulk etc and some may respond-but you can't expect it. You can change your own actions and your own approach though. If you are unhappy then you have to act to change it, be it a trial separation if need be. Please don't try to be your husbands keeper, you will fail miserably and he will drag you down with him in the long run.