Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

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bryanb

Show him the above post.

Silverbird

Hi there

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice as such, but I am aware of a fairly similar situation.

My Dad hasn't worked for many years now (at least 6), having been made redundant for the 4th time. He got very down about it and initially did try to get another job, but then gradually got more and more down and decided he had to stay at home in order to help my younger brother get ready for school in the morning. This was all well and good, but younger brother is nearly 17 and no longer needs this!

My mother has been supporting the family in terms of money. Thankfully she has managed to work her way up and has a fairly well-paid job.

My father, not long after this all started, began obsessing about collecting things and buying things from eBay. However, I must state that he does actually buy bulk collectibles and sells them seperately to try to get a profit (he isn't just collecting them and they just sit there). However, none of us feel this is an adequate way of using his time and the profit made is minimal.

Having suffered from depression in the past, I do believe this almost obsessive collecting/buying is a way of dealing with stress/depression. It happened to me as well - I collected memorabilia for my favourite film and had tons of it (all through eBay). It gave me a thrill and made me happy when I won it and when I received it ... but then it just went into a box and nothing was ever done with it. I didn't realise at the time, but it was an addiction and it was, I guess, a way of trying to make myself happier. I honestly believe this is why my father continues to do what he does.

As I say, this is not advice as such, but just a fairly similar experience. From my personal grasp of such a situation I would perhaps consider whether your husband is depressed. If you think this may be the case, then please do talk to him and perhaps see if he will see somebody about it. Just being able to share his problems and hopelessness with somebody else may be all that is needed. There are no quick fixes and it is something he'll need to do entirely himself, but with the right support he could return to the man you fell in love with again.

My apologies if this is totally the wrong end of the stick and I've got it all wrong, but I thought it was worth adding my experience of a similar situation.

All the best to you both x

lrr_2

I find it a bit stange that you give him 'pocket money'. He sounds like he is being treated like a child and acting like a child by not taking any responsibility in his life. Does he want someone to mother him or to be his wife? I think he needs to take more control in his life and you both have to have an equal partnership with equal responsibilites regardless of who earns the most.

Only my personal opinion though and other may say differently....

skintchick

I think he needs a boot up the !!!!! He needs to be finding a job and making himself more employable, not wasting time and money on eBay.

I'd be doing the same in your shoes, and it may be controlling but it sounds like he needs a bit of that right now. I'd probably cut his allowance off completely.

talulahbeige_2

The first Q that springs to mind is "Is he depressed?"

He also needs to take more responsibility for himself, the more you let someone do things for you the easier it is to just let them carrry on.
Show him your budget / bank accounts etc so he can see how bad things actually are. Compare your monthly outgoings on essentials with his spending on luxuries and show him.

He'll aslo soon remember his pin number if you dont bother to get him his spending money out!

chnelomi

lrr wrote: »

I find it a bit stange that you give him 'pocket money'. He sounds like he is being treated like a child and acting like a child by not taking any responsibility in his life. Does he want someone to mother him or to be his wife? I think he needs to take more control in his life and you both have to have an equal partnership with equal responsibilites regardless of who earns the most.

Only my personal opinion though and other may say differently....

Be very cautious of increasing his responsibility with the finances my oh is going through a rough patch right now and i tried on the advice of people meaning well to increase his responsibilities within the house.

What a disaster that was he gave money away to people who were better of than us and said we didn't need it back, got new fishing gear and games for our son. buy the end of 2 weeks my summer/xmas money account(for presents/family days out etc) was overdrawn £25 penalty every 3 days. Main account was in OD and he forgot to sign on, on top of it all he never paid any bills and i had to ask my parents for money till it was sorted.

When they are in this depressive state they just do not understand the consequences of what they do. he was of the opinion it was nothing to worry about as my parents helped us, and i would be able to build the money back up. I don't think it is worth letting them have control of important things if they show no motivation to do what needs done. besides the depression side of thing my OH has never had any money sense even if he could save £50 buy walking 100ft to the next shop he'd just shrug his shoulders and say i'm here now.

OK will give you all one guess why am on mse lol:rotfl:

tori.k

ive ended up taking the responsibility for the family finance... and i hate it
my hubby also doesnt think twice about buying something without thinking about it and Ebay is my nightmare
so we made an agreement between us, we spent a month selling all our unwanted bits (mainly his junk..lol) then we only spend what is in the paypal account, its worked and is on going, he is decluttering the house of old books, dvd's etc and its not costing anything out of our weekly budget, we also agreed to leave our credit cards at home that way the impulse buys have gone,
its working for us,
but then we both do it so its not just one person feeling like they are treated like a child
i thinking giving an adult spending money may be a bit far,

Zara33

lrr wrote: »

I find it a bit stange that you give him 'pocket money'. He sounds like he is being treated like a child and acting like a child by not taking any responsibility in his life. Does he want someone to mother him or to be his wife? I think he needs to take more control in his life and you both have to have an equal partnership with equal responsibilites regardless of who earns the most.

Only my personal opinion though and other may say differently....

agree.......

Dinah93

He's not taking reponsibility, how is he blaming you for being made redundant? He needs to understand that there is less money for treats now, so he has to get a job so he can keep buying them. But if a grown man doesn't get this concept I'd be clattering him around the head with something heavy!

My ex was very similar, honestly in the end I decided life was too short to spend with someone I couldn't respect anymore.

lolababy

Sell his computer lol. Id buy a newspaper everyday and show him the jobs page. Stop giving him money and tell him that every penny has to go to bills and if he wants spending money then he needs a job.