Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

lostinrates

mountainlioness wrote: »

Surely if we're to learn anything about handling teenage sexuality we should look to countries like the Netherlands where parents and kids talk openly about sex but the average age of first sexual encounter is later than the UK and they have one of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in the developed world.

As I understand it along with the openess of discussion in Netherlands is a strong social ''disapproval'' of underage sexual activity and the informed approach is supported with an idea that knowledge is power: but restraint is still called for.

This is purely second hand information and I'd be interested to know from people who have lived or are from the Netherlands and experienced childhood there as to whether this is really so.

pinkshoes

Ohhh, I got caught snogging a boy in my bedroom when I was 13!!! I was asked that in future, would I mind leaving the door open if I had a boy in my room, and that perhaps I'd like to invite him round for dinner so they could get to know him. ARGH - mortified!! Alas my parents' plan worked as I soon went off him!!

Snogging boys doesn't necessarily lead to further bases at that age, as I didn't lose my V until I was 19!

At least in the boy's bedroom it's only likely to be 1st base, whereas in the local park they might move onto groping and fondling!! :rolleyes:

January20

Jakg wrote: »

So you don't think her parents broke their daughters trust by reading her private conversations?

My reply to this comment is not going to be very popular I'm afraid. Sometimes as a parent you have to make difficult decisions and sometimes if you child doesn't talk to you, you have to be sneaky.

The OP and his wife were concerned about their daughter and what she was up to. A few months down the line, if she became pregnant, I am sure the same people who are talking about respecting her privacy would be the first ones to say the parents didn't look properly after their daughter and didn't know what she was up to :rolleyes:

There is no harm done as long as the daughter doesn't suspect anything. When I was 15, my mother read my diary and told me about - well actually she left a note in it telling me what she thought! I was hurt, felt betrayed and for many, many years it affected the way I behaved with her. But now as the mother of a teenager daughter, I understand exactly why she did it, I know she was worried about me because I had changed and wasn't talking to her. I wasn't talking to her because I knew she wouldn't understand and she would judge me.

The mistake she made was to tell me and therefore ruined the use of the information she had gleaned from it, and also prove to me that I couldn't trust her.

Oh and a kiss at 13 is nothing to be worried about!

Mutter_2

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

She is 13 and has kissed a boy... so, she is normal, experiencing normal teenage emotions and interests - its sad that she cant talk to you about this, but I don't expect her mum reading her msn correspondence will do much to engender an attitude of trust and openness, sadly.

I seem to remember you posting a thread about what a dissapointment she was to you ages ago...? - that she was lazy, untidy and not academic - I fully expect she will pick up on your lack of approval for her, and this will make anyone who is kind to her and makes her feel good about herself very appealing.

You need to win her trust and show her you approve of her and tell her she is loved and you are proud of her before she can be open and honest with you, and talk to you about feelings which are ultimately very personal and intimate.

The post quoted is one that you need to read and carefully digest.

I've just seen on a fast search through your previous posts that your daughter was a mistake, ( your words), that you are now finally getting your life back and look forward to being the parent of an adult. I also remember the thread referred to by FC.

I would not have been at all happy if my daughter had a boyfriend at 13, but then she was far too busy and tired from mucking out stables at that age to bother with boys.
Her school was also great in getting the pupils to regard the opposite sex as friends rather than love interest.

So your wife quizzed your daughter over boys and kissing, worried that she showed no interest. Now when she is interested, that too is a problem.

Can this child ever do right?

foreign_correspondent

lostinrates wrote: »

As I understand it along with the openess of discussion in Netherlands is a strong social ''disapproval'' of underage sexual activity and the informed approach is supported with an idea that knowledge is power: but restraint is still called for.

This is purely second hand information and I'd be interested to know from people who have lived or are from the Netherlands and experienced childhood there as to whether this is really so.

Ok, I have lived in the Netherlands, and also work with young people, and was a sexual health worker for several years, so it is a subject I am interested in.

In the NL there is very little dissaproval or judgementalism, but there is a huge amount of openness, honesty and lack of taboo. A couple of years ago UNICEF did some research that concluded that kids in NL were the happiest in Europe, whilst the Brits were the least happy.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6360517.stm
A lot of this was put down to good, open communication about feelings and emotions with parents and other adults.

I also found that family planning services were open and approachable and that nothing makes the Dutch blush - there is none of the 'wink wink, nudge nugde' attitude we see here. As a result, sex is perhaps less interesting to kids. I also saw less sexualised clothing etc aimed at children, and more play and adventure seemed to be accepted - skate parks in the central areas of cities etc...

Young people also seem in no rush to prove their adulthood, or to gain status by being a parent.

This is an interesting article which discusses some of the dutch attitude to teenage sexuality - like it or not, it works-the teenage pregnancy figures pay testament to this fact!
/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/teenage-sex-and-dutch-courage-from-an-early-age-youngsters-in-the-netherlands-talk-openly-with-their-parents-about-sex-we-have-much-to-learn-from-their-approach-says-susan-marling-1401486.html

tiamai_d

Mutter wrote: »

The post quoted is one that you need to read and carefully digest.

I've just seen on a fast search through your previous posts that your daughter was a mistake, ( your words), that you are now finally getting your life back and look forward to being the parent of an adult. I also remember the thread referred to by FC.

I would not have been at all happy if my daughter had a boyfriend at 13, but then she was far too busy and tired from mucking out stables at that age to bother with boys.
Her school was also great in getting the pupils to regard the opposite sex as friends rather than love interest.

So your wife quizzed your daughter over boys and kissing, worried that she showed no interest. Now when she is interested, that too is a problem.

Can this child ever do right?

Who's posts did you search FC or OP's?

oh it's ok, I get it... pregnancy brain moment....

Spirit_2

To the OP – well done for posting before leaping in with both feet.


Do not pry into her personal correspondence, she is growing up and has an entitlement to privacy.

You do not need a bedroom to have sex in – cars, parks, beaches, woods, sofa’s all perfectly serviceable – I am sure that there are more places but I have had a sheltered life:o.


If she normally entertains friends in her room – then this is her ‘entertaining space’ and may have her tv,music,computer in it and where she may (reasonably expect) to spend time with this new friend. If you can’t provide a separate space sitting space (we have a couple of sofa’s in a sitting room off our kitchen – used to be the dining room)

You will want to Trust her (prepare to be disappointed at times – we learn through mistakes) and her home could be a welcoming and safe meeting place if you encourage her to bring friends home.

You may need a conscious ‘ Glen family approach to dating’ . This is not contrived but an evolving family life – thinking back this is how it was with our daughter:

• When she was small and asked how babies were made – answer – mummy and daddy had a ‘special hug’.
• Sex education – cat had kittens – explained mechanics of special hug sperm+egg = kitten/baby
• What is oral sex :eek:, asked after she had read an article abou Monica Lewinsky – answer - different kind of special hug
• Her sex life –It is her choice, no one else’s – not pressure from peers/boyfriend to do it, not pressure from us to stop her, however not before 16 – explained that there is the law (for her safety) and even if no pregnancy still may have consequences as she( was ) a minor..

We did talk about contraception, staying well and healthy – physically and emotionally, and our own belief that sex can be very good:o, that the feelings got from sex are greatly enhanced by knowing someone well and loving them. That anyone can ‘do’ the sex act but it is not alway special. Again timing in relationships should be her choice/decision.

Then we crossed our fingers and have tried our best to live consistently by our words. I am quite Mumsy and Mr Spirit is pretty square too, so some awkwardness but it worked for us. Good luck.

Spirit

SugarSpun

My mother searched my room when I was a teenager. She didn't tell me at the time, but let it slip recently while inebriated. It's at least 15 years since she did it (judging by what she told me she found) and it's affecting the way I see her.

Snooping for your own insight into how things are with your daughter is something you have to decide for yourself about, but the consequences are further reaching than "you learn what she's up to". You might learn more than you wanted, and if she finds out you might lose the ability to reach her altogether. I'm a great adult daughter, despite whatever indications to the contrary they might have imagined when I was a stroppy teenager, and I turned out fine in spite of the various experimentation I conducted. Even my well-adjusted, settled adult self, however, is devastated by knowing that my mother failed to trust me to the degree that she searched my room for condoms and drugs.

Really. Organise a way she can see the boy and spend alone time with him safely. Make sure she knows that you don't want to interfere and you trust her, but you want her to know that you have her best interests at heart and if she needs anything she can ask you. And stick to it.

theonehere

I haven't read the entire thread, so apologies if this has already been brought up.

When I was 14, I didn't want to tell my parents anything. It wasn't that I was doing anything wrong; I just felt I needed personal space and my own independence. I felt it was a case of "none of your business" when my parents wanted to know stuff. With hindsight, it was totally irrational and I now understand my parents were just concerned for me. But, at the time, it doesn't seem like that.

However....the reason that your daughter doesn't want to tell you anything is obviously because of the way she expects you'll react. In this case, her coyness appears to have been justified and the reason for her reluctance to tell you details of her love life should be obvious...

...You read her private MSN correspondence!

Whether or not she knows this is irrelevant; you clearly have no respect for her privacy and chances are she know this. The reason she doesn't tell you stuff is that she fears you will make the situation awkward or pry into her personal life (which she is [understandably] not comfortable with at the moment).

If you try and control teenagers and pry into everything they do, then they rebel at the first chance and do stupid things. Whatever you may think, you cannot control anything a teenager does. If they want to have sex, they'll have sex. If they want to smoke weed, they'll smoke it. There's nothing you can do about it. What you can do is talk to them, let them know that you're there for them if they want to ask anything and leave it at that.

My parents allowed me a great deal of freedom - as long as they knew where I was and that I was safe, they were pretty happy. I loved that freedom and trust, and valued it. As a result, I never went off the rails. By contrast, the kids with overly controlling parents went nuts as soon as they got some freedom. Dangerously drunk and trying every drug under the sun at weekend house parties. And their parents were none the wiser.

If I'd had any suspicions that my parents were reading my personal messages, or trying to control my personal life to the degree you appear to be doing here, chances are that I'd have rebelled and got myself in trouble. It's an instinctive "screw you, you can't control me" sort of attitude teens have when they've been overly mollycoddled.

I know you want to help and that's great, but she'll open up to you when she's ready. Until then you need to leave her alone, not make it awkward, stop reading her MSN and trust her somewhat. Hard to do, but best thing long term.

I'm 21 for what it's worth.

mspig

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I agree that it comes down to trust but it seems to me that it's the daughter here who's broken the trust by not being honest with her parents.

Why because she said she wasen't interested in boys? ask any female on here and nearly all of them will tell you that they told people that they weren't interested in boys when they were teenagers. Not all females want everyone to know that they like someone and they certainly wouldn't tell their parents about it - its called being a teenager, its natural.
But the parent is old enough to know that prying into her personal things(be it her msn) is taking the step too far, and should have spoke to her about it in a proper manner not snooping.

They also need to look at why their daughter didn't want them to know anything - maybe because she knew that they would react in the over protective manner they have acted.